Reflection

I was driving home from an evening out alone tonight, fully refreshed and relaxed after what I can only describe as being a very stressful, harrowing few weeks. Making last minute decisions on menus and wine and picking up supplies and clothing and getting things tailored...plus sky high paperwork for the three kids starting school again. I've also had to get used to waking up at 6:30am again and making sure everyone is dressed, fed, and at one of their three schools. Soccer has started, dance has started, EVERYTHING HAS STARTED.

But tonight I did what I used to do best, I took myself out on a date. I needed a break. I needed not to hear people speaking to me for awhile, asking me questions, needing of me. I needed not to be running around getting things ready, finished, bought, packed, signed.

So it was with a clear head as I was driving home alone that I had the most overwhelming feeling of peace. I felt totally settled. I thought about my trainwreck of a life, just a few short years ago. Rock freaking bottom, the deepest levels ever imaginable.

And yet I met this man. And I never thought it would work. I never thought I could trust again. I never thought anyone would want this baggage, this situation. I had nothing left to give. And he loved me too, and for some reason it all worked, and I have a healthy, authentic, growing relationship for the first time in my life, and now we are 11 days away from marriage.

My children recovered, from it all. From their father moving out, to virtually losing their grandfather...they are thriving, they are happy, they love Mr. Wonderful, they even seem to still love me.

My business is the best it has ever been. I am working the exact amount I want, and making enough to be comfortable. I have time for my family, my future husband, my friends, and I am doing well.

My circle of friends is a small one, but a sacred, solid ring of trust. All toxicity has been alleviated. Last week I lost two friends (sisters) that I have had since I was a child, and after initially being very upset, I feel so relieved now. It was meant to be. I have learned to keep negativity, immaturity, and obsessiveness away from me. I have enough drama with my daughters. Grown people around me should bring support, encouragement, honesty and trustworthiness. Period.

I'm in total control of my body for the first time in my adult life. I keep myself healthy and strong, I have pushed myself to levels that I never thought I could reach, and on my wedding day I can say I have the body I have always wanted. I feel amazing, rested, and healthy.

My home has been transformed into a place I love, that I'm proud to bring guests to, that brings me great joy everyday.

I even sat with my father last weekend and had what is essentially the first two sided conversation we have had in 2 1/2 years. He has been unable to speak and suddenly is making great strides in his speech, and he was TALKING to us. You don't realize how vital speech and communication is to a relationship until it is taken away. Hearing his voice and his opinions and his jokes again after all this time...unbelievably beautiful.

I walked through the darkness for so long, blind, not knowing if I would ever find light. And now it shines so brightly and beautifully on me that I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am not naive enough to think that more hard times won't be ahead. But with this struggle came strength and perspective that I would not have found otherwise, necessary to face anything. ANYTHING.

In the meantime I will bask in the glory of this awesome light that is shining on me right now. I am surrounded by love, by the exact people I want near me, doing exactly what I want to be doing.

And I will not deny myself that I had a hand in it. I made a lot of this happen through faith, hard work, and determination.

One month

So much to write about, as always, so little time.

First of all, if you were to ask me ANY year what month I despise the most, it is August. Poor little August, the last month before my favorite season and time of year. August brings endless paperwork and doctors visits and school supply trips and meet the teacher, times three kids. Add in the beginning of sports season, two soccer practices beginning and uniforms to be bought, a physical due for the oldest who is beginning athletics in middle school. School clothes shopping, haircuts, last weekday sleepovers with friends, last mornings of sleeping in, last trips to the pool.

So there's the mom perspective.

On another hand, August do-or-die time for my business. It's the last chance to get everything in order, get supplies, get caught up, make decisions, set a schedule before the busiest time of year begins for me.

So there's the business owner perspective. Which is usually where it is, and isn't that enough??

Then this year, I did something SUPER FUN and decided I could handle throwing a wedding right into the mix of all that. So yeah, that has been....interesting.

[ker-thunk]

In all seriousness, tomorrow marks 1 month til our wedding day in San Francisco, and we leave a month from yesterday. A month until what feels like the longest engagement of all time (only a year) is over. A month until my last name changes and the first time I will ever have a different last name from my kids. A month til I once again can claim a husband, can file taxes and check boxes as "married". A month til I once again commit myself til death do us part. This time, I know we *both* mean it.

I have absolutely no regrets. No fears. I am at total peace and other than wondering how it will all get done, I'm so happy that the day is finally arriving.

Even after spending the morning with my best friend finalizing her divorce, in the same courthouse and courtroom where I finalized my divorce so long ago, shaking from tears at the pain of it all, all over again. That experience traumatized me so deeply. I would rather die than stand up there before that smug judge all over again, crying my heart out and shaking uncontrollably as I pronounce to the legal system that my marriage is dead, and that it affects the three children I produced. No. Not doing it again. EVER.

And still, moving forward with confidence and peace. Mr. Wonderful and I may not have a perfect relationship. But we are stubborn as anyone I know in working towards getting it right. We'll never give up on each other. It's not going to be beautiful all the time, and we know that. But we know not to ever give up and to keep trying until it's back on track. That much I know.

As far as wedding plans, they're winding down. I still don't have flowers, or clothes for the kids (or Mr. Wonderful), and my dress was too big when I tried it on today. But the big details are coming together and it's going to be the most beautiful wedding, ever. And so meaningful.

A friend asked me a few days ago if it would really be all that different, being married, since we've lived together since June. Lord, yes!!! I haven't let my head go there yet...married...my husband...my new last name...vowing my commitment until my last breath...being stepdad....making the vow to the children...officially a family...

Yes, talk about a different life. I'm sure once we all get used to the new feeling and titles things will fall right back into this same groove we're in now, but is it different?

God yes.