Pardon this Rage

UGH.

It's 11pm, I have just been awoken from sleeping curled up next to my youngest in her tiny bed, happily uncomfortable just to have the extra cuddle time with her.

My phone woke me up, I can hear a text message come in. I jump up to see what's going on and see my ex husband's name "Call me, we need to talk".

Great.

His lovely sister, who for some reason is (WAS) one of my friends on Facebook (stupid me for wanting to maintain a relationship with my children's aunt), has called him and has him all up in a tizzy about a picture I posted of my youngest daughter, hanging onto Mr. Wonderful's leg with the caption, "Don't go, T-Daddy" (the nickname that she has come up with for him).

He tells me that I must set our four year old straight, that there is only one Daddy. I agree with him, yes there IS only one Daddy and no one will ever replace you, he is her T-Daddy and she loves him in a different but meaningful way that she expresses by endearing him with this term. He is without a doubt, threatened and insecure that one of the children would actually place their future stepfather in a "father" category.

I know my ex husband very well. His own father is absent, only calling on birthdays and maybe sometimes holidays, and even then usually drunk. His mother moved him around from place to place, husband to husband, without a care in the world for her children or their best interests. He has no concept of unselfish love, which is a very big reason for our breakup. He cannot see that it is a GOOD thing for his children to actually LOVE the man that will be living in their house with them. That we have no plans to replace him as their father, but to supplement him. That the more people loving these children the better off they are. How LUCKY his children are to have a man that wants to love them as if they were his own.

Insecurity, jealousy make him blind to what is best for them in this situation.

And the truth that he never wants to accept: had he kept it in his pants throughout our marriage, instead of the constant lies and cheating and betrayal even with second and third chances...we wouldn't even be having this discussion. He created a new path and now he doesn't like where it has led and wants to control it. It doesn't work that way.

In the meantime, I'm still driving the kids everywhere because he still doesn't have a car. I've paid for every birthday party, every school need, everything myself. He is *this* close to being evicted from his apartment and will then have nowhere to live and even have the kids over. But yet he has money every weekend to go out with friends and drink, even on his weekends with the kids. I'm the grown-up. He's the child. As always.

It's so hard on nights like this not to be furious at myself for having married such a loser in the first place. I do know that without him I would never have my perfect children, and I would never ever change who they are. But to have this negative energy surrounding me constantly....I try so hard to let his childish behavior slide off of me but it does take ALL of my energy. I'm so sick of it all.

We left the conversation with him saying he would be correcting our youngest if he heard her call him T-Daddy again. That he's already done it once, "I'M your daddy". It enrages me to think of how that must have made my daughter feel...having been put in the middle of my own parent's divorce as an adult, it absolutely makes me want to scream...

It infuriates me that I can't stop him from doing this to her. That someone has that much control over my child and is essentially changing who she is and how she views the world with his selfish actions and insecurity. That he would put his own needs before hers. But what can I do. I can only do my best. Mr. Wonderful and I can only make sure that when they are with us, they are free and safe to say anything about their Dad. That their love for him isn't threatening to us. Someday they will resent him for putting them in this position. But try telling him that...

Where is this going?

I don't have anything to write about.

I have such a great life. I really sit back every single loving day in total awe, marveling at how this fairytale became reality.

My kids love Mr. Wonderful so much. My youngest is already telling her teachers that he is her stepdad. She asked him if he would go ahead and be her stepdad now, and lord, how could he refuse that.

Mr. Wonderful LOVES ME. I don't know why this is so damn hard for me to believe. It's not that I don't think I'm worth loving. I just never thought I'd find anyone who would recognize it. This man would do anything for me, for us.

Somehow, my business continues to thrive, even though I pay it so very little attention. I am supporting myself completely with no debts and no help besides the most measly little child support checks from the ex that don't even pay for 1 week of groceries.

These three kiddos seem to be doing great. Good grades, thriving at school, lots of friends, well-adjusted. Aside from wanting my pulled-too-many-directions-attention, they are just doing SO GREAT.

I even have a brand new kitchen. Mr. Wonderful decided he wanted to invest in the home that he'd be living in soon, and we gave it a facelift this weekend. I say we, but all I really did was make decisions and watch tv while he did all the work. I know. If I were you I'd hate me too.

I only write this because I've only ever written out of misery before. I kind of don't know what to write about anymore. I've found myself, I've found my kids, I've found my soulmate, and other than having the typical complaints of a single mom (who really has some help now), I've got nothin.

My greatest hope is that this blog has and will serve as a road map for others in similar situations (like my close friend is right now) and provide some sort of insight into a journey that is so scary but the best you'll ever travel.

I guess I'll be focusing upcoming posts on things like wedding plans and step-parenting as well as continue to write about myself and my continuing journey to bettering myself, as that is a journey I want to continue until my final days.

If anyone out there needs help or has questions about divorce or single motherhood, I encourage you to leave a comment and I can answer it to my best ability for you. I'm only an expert by experience but I would love to help or offer encouragement where I can.

Engagement Reflection

Last night was our tiny, casual engagement party. Just a few friends and my parents stopped by for a few minutes. The way I like to do things. Simple.

There was an amazing toast made by my friend, that brought me to tears and almost to my knees. I looked around at my fantastic group of friends, our children who now think of Mr. W as a father and love him with all their heart, my mother who has seen me through hell, and last but certainly not least, my sweet, loving man with his arms around me. How did this happen? How did I get so damn lucky?

I began to cry with humble gratitude. I am so INCREDIBLY grateful to have these people in my life. I love them all so much.

I am so grateful to have 3 amazing children who have survived right along with me through the hell that was our lives for awhile. Not only survived, but thrived. They are so awesome.

I am so grateful for my friends, who rally around each of us when terrible things happen. Who celebrate our triumphs and support us through our defeats. Who make me laugh so much that my abs are always sore the day after I see them.

I am so grateful to have this man by my side who adores me, hunts down the very last yellow balloon at an event to give to our youngest when she is crying over letting hers go, picks up nightlights for my daughter who is lately terrified of the dark, helps my oldest with math homework, helps me EVERY NIGHT with housework and bedtimes. Who at our engagement party, let 6 little girls tackle him over and over again because it made them happy. Who already calls my three kids OUR kids. I just love him SO. DAMN. MUCH.

I'm even grateful to my ex husband. Thank you ex for screwing up and opening up the door to this amazing life waiting for me. :)

It's still such a new thing for me to feel happy every single day. But I do. Without fail.

The Next Phase

I have sat down at this computer a hundred times to write this post, but my frustration at not being able to do the story justice with my words and writing has kept me from actually saying anything.

Because the story isn't just the one I'm about to tell. But an entire story about a sad, lonely suddenly single mom of three who worked her ass off to make her life better. How she dreamt of happiness and freedom and yes, even love, and never thought in her wildest dreams she'd ever be here.

A few years ago I found myself flying on a plane home from NYC after a vacation with my girlfriend. We had decided to get away for several days. My husband had moved out several months earlier and she was also going through a divorce. While I was in NYC, my husband was in our hometown, moving his things from his mothers place and into an apartment, permanently. My life, which had been in limbo, was changing. I sat on that plane thinking about the life I was flying home to. I pictured single motherhood- Loneliness. Exhaustion. Sadness. A gaping hole in our family. I decided at that point that I was not going to let that happen. This could not be my life. And I came here and began writing, seeking my own answers and path to happiness and completion.

I went to support groups. I read books on healing and divorce. I went to therapy. I learned how to take out the trash and unclog toilets myself. I learned that it feels better to be alone in a tension free home than to be with someone who makes you miserable. I learned to LOVE MYSELF. I learned that taking myself out and spoiling myself was more fun than someone else doing it. I learned to treasure my independence and freedom. I learned that taking care of myself made my children happier. I made the most valuable friendships of my life. I bonded with other single moms and began identifying with them. I was just fine being alone. But in the back of my mind I still dreamt of companionship, with someone who liked me like THIS. Independent, healthy, strong, and would never dream of trying to take any of those things from me. I never thought it was possible.

And then I met Mr. Wonderful. Right at the moment when I knew I didn't need a man anymore. When I had decided that I was fine being alone. I walked into that concert and there he was, as if he had been waiting for me.

And now, a year and a few months later, I found myself on a plane again. Mr. W had surprised me with yet another trip over Labor Day weekend. I didn't find out that it was to San Francisco until he handed me my ticket at the airport. We were flying through the sky at sunset, he was sleeping next to me, and I felt that same uncertain feeling that things were about to change. Am I really ready to move on to the next phase? Do I want to try this marriage thing on again? Certainly it will all end the same way...what a huge risk...

And then I looked over at him sleeping and all my fears melted away. Yes. I am ready. This man next to me knows what he has. He would never do anything to risk losing me. I have found The One.

We landed in San Francisco. I could tell he was "different" from the minute we landed. I caught many long, loving, contemplating glances from him at different times. And he seemed nervous.

On Saturday we went for a bike ride from the marina, across the Golden Gate Bridge, and into Sausalito. We'd stop at various points and he'd hold me and stare into my eyes, I held my breath each time. And then our bike ride would continue. I began to doubt my suspicions...maybe he's still not ready...

We had dinner at an amazing restaurant. He didn't talk much and seemed so nervous. I was convinced it wasn't happening that day (he would never propose in front of anyone at a restaurant) and just chalked it up to exhaustion. And then he requested that after dinner, we take a walk around Union Square.

Our cab pulled up, we got out and walked around a bit. He seemed to be looking for something, a spot perhaps...the perfect spot, I would find out soon. He pulled me into a corner garden, with beautiful purple flowers everywhere and overhead, and to my right I could see one of the heart statues. He pulled me close and I could feel his heart beating through his chest hard, like it might explode. And before I knew it, he was saying he loved me, and that I made him happy, and the kids made him happy, and he wanted that happiness to last forever (cue tears)...

And he was down on one knee with my hands in his hands, asking me to marry him. All I could get out was "Are you kidding?? Are you serious??? Are you kidding??" before finally saying yes. He stood up and pulled the most gorgeous, perfect ring from his pocket and put it on my ring finger.

And then a few days after we return from the trip, we went to our therapy appointment and talked a little bit about plans to get married. He told the therapist he wanted to give my children time to adjust, that he didn't want to rush them into anything or have them resenting him for moving in so soon. The therapist was taken back for a moment. She said that in the 20 years of her practice, she has only 2 or 3 times seen someone with that much care and understanding of stepchildren. That he is to be commended for the work he has done and for the way he is handling the kids.

In the car I began to cry and couldn't stop. A close friend is going through a separation and likely divorce with her husband, and seeing that happen for her and then watching the way my story is going...it brought it all full circle for me. I remembered being alone in my bed, completely dependent on Xanax and anti-depressants and sleeping pills, crying alone that my life was so horrible, my kids would be damaged, and WHY was life so bad for me???? I put myself there again and then looked at my life today. I'm happy. Healthy. Successful. I've got the independence thing down. My kids are happy. And now, I have a man who loves me. Like, REALLY loves me. And loves my kids like they were his own. And cares about their feelings and puts them before his own (their own FATHER doesn't do that!) And I was so incredibly overwhelmed with how wonderful things have turned out.

And not because it just happened. My God. I worked so hard for this. The therapy and the support groups and the alone time and the play therapy for the kids and the reflection and self awareness. I dared to dream of this life and it is more amazing than I ever could have imagined.

The wedding will be about a year from now, a destination wedding with just immediate family. I want this time to be about he and I, just a celebration of how far we've come and what we've accomplished together. Not about details and dresses and flowers. Just the essentials of us and those we love.

Perspective, Belief

Pardon me for being so introspective and philosophical lately. With Mr. W gone for 12 days I have had plenty of nights to just think, and some of it has been pretty good stuff.

I'm reading a great book that I bought to help me get further in my business, called Simpleology. The basis of this book is that there is no reality, no one truth, that the world in front of us is only what our brain interprets it as, based on our beliefs and perceptions that we have developed since childhood.

This is a concept that I think I've always had a grasp of, but the author takes it further than I've ever conceptualized.

So if this is true, then we may grow up with certain beliefs about ourselves. We can't do this or we can't do that, or we have to be a certain way. For example, if you constantly think "I'm never going to have any money", then your world will morph to support this belief. Every tiny little decision you make will reflect that "reality".

It made me think hard about my own beliefs. What do I hold to be true? I know that I can run a successful business, but sometimes I think I put limits on myself as to how far I can take it or how much money could be made. Since my parents' divorce and my own divorce, I have struggled with the belief that no marriage is good, that there is something genetically wrong with me that attracts liars and cheaters, that relationships are doomed. And over and over I have found that if I am not working on changing that belief, I can cause that very situation to occur, all of my own doing.

I see the people all around me and the problems they create in their lives. My ex husband for example. He makes the same amount of money as me, yet recently had his car repossessed. He lives in a small apartment and his car payment was half what mine is. So why am I doing fine and he is in a huge financial hole? He watched his mother be financially irresponsible his entire life. Cars repossessed, credit cards maxed and never paid. He learned all of his life's beliefs from her and is now making all the same decisions she made. And cannot for the life of him understand why (the author of Simpleology calls this phenomenon insanity)

We all have that something in our lives that frustrates us that we can't figure out how to change. The secret is to look at the world as an open book with endless possibilities. It's so true that life is exactly what you make of it. There is no "can't". You are not genetically pre-disposed to being obese. You choose to make the same decisions about food that you probably watched your parents make and you believe this to be your truth. I am not genetically pre-disposed to being in bad relationships. If I'm constantly afraid that my relationship is doomed, I will see every fight, every bump in the road as THE END, all left up to my interpretation. And then I will run away before I ever give it a chance to work out.

What else do I believe about myself? I believe I should be living in a house, not an apartment, because I grew up in one. Oddly enough, the house I live in resembles my childhood home almost exactly. I believe I should be doing certain things for my children, because my mom did them. The problem there? She was a stay at home mother (amazing also at how close I am to being a stay at home mom considering I'm a single mom. But this belief causes me so much guilt.) I believe I should work out every single day so that I feel good. This belief I developed just after my divorce, and is something I was able to change myself.

So it's possible, you see, to change reality. All of us are not just assigned a place in life and doomed to follow. There are certain steps that can always be made to create a new reality, and with enough dedication, research and yes, work, we can achieve exactly what we want. We do not have to get up and go to a job we hate every single day because we think it's all we can do. We don't have to be stuck in an abusive relationship because we believe we're not worth more, or that children shouldn't have divorced parents. We don't have to be miserable or even just content. Life is just too short for that.

I work constantly to make my life better. What do I want? I want to do my job but only part of it, I'd love to have employees to do the parts I don't like. I want more money, a bigger house. I want to see the world. I want to spend the rest of my life with Mr. Wonderful, and have the happiest of relationships. I want friends around me who are honest, good, and real. I want to be an honest, good, and real friend and lover. I want to be surrounded by music and laughter and happiness. I want to live somewhere other than here, like in New York or even somewhere abroad (but don't want to uproot my children, so I'm still thinking about that). I want to be close with my children and have them never be disappointed in me.

Think about what is holding you back from what you want and what beliefs you may hold about "reality" that might be keeping you from it. It's a pretty eye opening experience.

Peace, and what it feels like.

I was driving this evening towards the sunset, the light was hitting everything in that gorgeous golden way that it does in the summer evenings, and I took a deep sigh and felt it....peace.

It seems to be coming to me much more often these days.

But this was the first time I could really put a finger on it, really see exactly the source of my peace, as clear as the sun was setting in front of me.

Mr. Wonderful is still away on his trip, 10 days away from each other. He emails when he has access to wifi, but we've had pretty limited communication on his trip. The pictures I see from him are of him having a great time, taking in the view, eating melt-in-your-mouth food, bonding with his brother. And yes, missing me too. While I miss him as well, terribly, I am truly SO excited for him to have this experience.

While he has been gone, I dove into my work. I made a list of what had to be done, and while it's taken 45 hours of work in just 3 days, I'm getting there. And it feels really good.

Tonight, after 3 days of work and the kids and more crap from the ex, I decided I deserved some "me" time. I went to my favorite sushi restaurant, sat at the sushi bar, indulged in a martini and a spicy tuna roll. Read a book, texted friends, and just let my mind and my mouth just be quiet for awhile. Ahhhhh.

It was on the drive from sushi to the movie theater that I felt the overwhelming peace. And I realized that my life is now truly in balance. That I am me, I know how to take care of myself, who I am, what I like...AND I'm in love.

AND I HAVE LOVE.

There is something so powerful about knowing that you can take care of yourself, not only that but actually be happy alone with oneself. That no one else's love for you could ever compare to the love you can give yourself. And then to realize that you can have all this....and a partner to share it with...mindblowing.

Before this experience of "desperately seeking me", alone I was a mess, I felt incomplete, I felt anxious. Even if alone meant my husband going out without me. Now my lover can leave me for 10 days across the world and not only can I be ok, I have a full life of things that make me very happy.

It just so happens that the movie I was going to see was Eat, Pray, Love. (spoiler alert) I never read the book so I wasn't expecting much, just a typical chick flick. It was like watching myself on the screen, the scared, lost, jaded woman who emerges and finds herself and thinks that she is finished, that there couldn't possibly be more. And when love comes along, she feels she has to choose between this new version of herself or love, because they can't possibly coexist. The fear in her eyes when she comes to that crossroads is so completely recognizable that I began to cry and couldn't stop until everyone had emptied the theater and the lights came back on. Is it possible that I have figured out how to find me, AND find love?

I think it is. Mr. W is a piece of my life, a big one. He brings me happiness and joy and affection and support everyday of my life. As humans, this is something we naturally desire. We CAN have it all. It IS possible to live a full life and have complete balance, peace, and love.

Best quote from the movie-The key to balance is to never let anyone love you less than you love yourself.

That's Me at the Bottom of that Pile of Laundry

I'm checking in because I'm not sure when the next time is that I'll be able to write. This happens to be the last week before school starts, and not only do I face shopping for school supplies, school clothes, getting haircuts and pediatrician checkups and eye exams and orchestra supplies COMPLETELY without help (my ex is officially broke, won't help with a penny, and had his car repossessed and can't drive them anywhere anymore), but business suddenly went from zero to 100 which I was SO not expecting and SO not ready for. Mr. W is out of the country again on another amazing trip, this time with his brother, and I'm so overwhelmed that I can't see straight.

I sat down tonight in front of my tv, turned on HBO, found every single piece of laundry in the house I could find, dumped it in the middle of the living room, and sorted through it all. I threw away an entire trashbag full of holey clothes, and another trashbag of clothes is going to GoodWill. It took almost 3 hours. But now the laundry room is organized and even though I didn't actually wash anything, I don't feel as overwhelmed to start it as I did before.
I'm trying to take the "organizer's" approach to this to do list that seems to lengthen by 3 things everytime I cross of one. Focus on getting one thing done at a time (but my GOD this list is like staring up at Everest from the bottom.)

Today I took my younger two with me grocery shopping. Almost 2 hours of trying to keep my 3 year old a)in the basket, b)to keep her shoes on, c)to not scream and touch my face with cereal boxes while I'm trying to shop, while also trying to keep my 7 year old from a)lifting up the back of my dress to expose my ass (WHY she thought this was so hilarious today I have no idea!!), b)begging me for every free sample, every item in the store, c)stop whining everytime her sister looked at her funny. At the end I was checking out, one hand keeping my youngest from knocking me in the head with the box and one hand holding my other daughter away from the back of my dress. The checker looked at me and asked if I had any big plans today. Umm ya. THEIR BEDTIME. We started talking a bit while she checked me out and I told her I was a single mom. She had "mad respect" for that and told me all about how she was raised by a single father, and how much she appreciated him now. It was the first spark of hope I've had in a long time. Everyone says "someday they'll appreciate what you went through", but it never feels like that could actually happen.

In the meantime I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I'm definetly proud of what I'm accomplishing, even if it feels like it's just one tiny thing a day, and I am SO proud of my kids.

Wish me luck!