Here I am.

I'm here, too busy to write much, but here.

So much has gone on, I wouldn't even know where to begin, but here are the highlights.

Mr. Wonderful and I decided that if he was going to be moving in here, we needed to have a working bathroom. My master bathroom hasn't worked in two years. I got an estimate to fix it when it broke, but couldn't afford to on my single mom budget. He was set to move in at the end of July and wanted to take care of it before he settled in.

What started as fixing the bathroom plumbing quickly became a bathroom remodel. And then that turned out so gorgeous, we decided to convert the garage into a second living area/theater room so that he and I would have our own space to relax. And then that turned out so great, that we had the entire interior painted and re-textured. And then a brand new patio/outdoor living area. Whole new exterior. Guest bathroom remodel. All new hardwoods. All new landscaping.

Basically, there is a brand new and improved home that where my old 70's one stood.

This has been the perfect compromise for us. It is not easy for him to concieve of moving into the home where I raised my children with my ex, even if it was only a couple of years. But the kids love this home, all their friends and their schools are in this neighborhood, and it's truly a great house.

But now, it has plenty of living space for us all, the concepts all have his input. A fresh start with the convenience of not having to move or uproot the kids.

And, they LOVE having a theater in their own house :)

Everything is falling into place so well, that we have decided that Mr. Wonderful will go ahead and move in 2 months early, in just 2 weeks.

I'm so ready. But I'm a little nervous. We tend to go through rough spells when there is big change. I think we're both prepared this time and our communication skills have come leaps and bounds from a year ago.

As I write, I can see Mr. Wonderful out the window, in the 90 degree heat, digging a flower bed and making a walkway for us. I know that I shoudn't compare, but it is such a different life having a man around who takes pride in taking care of his house, his family, and his wife. As a single mom, I could get by, but I couldn't do it all. Now, I do feel like I have it all. So much happiness under one awesome roof, it just doesn't get any better.

The wedding is in about 3 months, and I feel nowhere near prepared. We've been so focused on getting the house in order and ready for his impending move that we haven't been thinking much about it. I dream about it almost nightly, usually panicked dreams of showing up in the wrong dress, or without makeup, or a minister, the wrong place, or even to the wrong groom. So I guess somewhere in my subconscious I'm worried about getting it all done, but my conscious mind doesn't even have time to entertain the thoughts :) We are taking a vacation in a couple of weeks as a family, and our house should be finished while we are gone, so after we return, we'll get serious about getting everything finished up.

Thanks for the emails and comments asking about me. Life has been crazy.

Lately

I haven't had much to write about, there's really nothing to say that hasn't already been said. It's nice that my life has stabilized somewhat but it makes for a very boring blog.

Wedding planning is coming along, I find myself annoyed that I have to waste time on things like picking flowers and cakes and music, and more annoyed that the wedding planner wants us to spend ridiculous amounts of money on such things that I know from experience no one remembers anyways. I care about my dress, having a great minister, having family there, a vacation to remember not only with the kids but on our honeymoon, eating amazing food, and all the other normal things we would invest in. When she asks me about flowers for a table centerpiece, all I think of is that it will be in the way of my family's faces at dinner. Cake? Why can't we pick one up from the grocery store? Why does a cake for 15 people have to cost over $200 minimum?? Something we will DIGEST AND NEVER SEE AGAIN. Decor? I just want soft candles and white lights and lanterns, $50 max. For Christ's sake, we will be overlooking the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, isn't that decor enough?

I just want to have a nice time with my family and marry the man of my dreams and get this party started. Having two places is old. Not sleeping together every night is old. Calling him my fiance is old. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we took a year engagement to adjust everyone and ourselves to the idea, it just gives me time to put it all in perspective; and nothing matters except that he and I spend the rest of our lives together.

Attack of the Exes

Sorry to have been MIA lately. Life, ya know?

Lately Mr. Wonderful and I have been working a lot on the dynamic and boundaries with the ex, which are both two totally opposite things. I've made it my goal since Day 1 to try and have a good relationship with my ex husband so that my children are comfortable around us and never feel tension. I was an adult when my parents divorced and good lord, they made it SO incredibly impossible to be around the both of them at the same time. The guilt and the silence and the snide remarks and the tension you could cut with a knife. It never got easier and I was an adult who should be able to handle it, so I am in no way ever going to be responsible for putting my kids through the same thing.

My ex has been cold to me since he found out that I was dating Mr. W a year and a half ago. Yes, he's the one who cheated on me, then I took him back, then he did it again...I gave him every opportunity and chance and grace one could give another human and he fucked me over anyways. So why *he* was so shocked that I would move on well over a year after him leaving is beyond me, and why *he* would be so angry at *ME* for moving on at all is even further beyond my realm of comprehension. But he always is and is always cold in front of them. With my therapist's help we've made several strides towards being cordial but good God, it has not been easy.

On the other hand, Mr. Wonderful is in the intense process of bonding with these three children whom he is step-parenting, and we have been also working on setting up boundaries with my ex. Issues like, should their Dad be able to pick them up on nights that aren't his just because? Should he still be taking the kids to school everyday when Mr. Wonderful would like the chance to take them on our mornings?

And just when I think that it all can't get anymore intense, my son had a concert at his school tonight that every single parent and grandparent ended up coming to. So all at once, I had my mom and dad in the same room, their current spouses who both hate the exes, my mother desperate for my attention over my stepmother, my stepmother who always makes me feel like she's mad at me no matter what I do and also hates my mother, my Dad who is now in a wheelchair and completely disabled and not speaking after his brain tumor operation 2 years ago, my kids who are terrified of my dad and the situation, my fiance and my ex husband, my fiance's mother who is trying to set up a relationship with the kids and my fiance who is worried about her, my ex husband coming over to speak to my parents before my fiance is able to and making a big show about hugging them, and then my fiance who has just learned that he'll be introduced to our son's teachers for the first time along with my ex as a parent. Gah my heart races just typing it all down again. I don't think I took one breath through the entire concert.

When I get really stressed out, like Dad-in-hospital or marriage-falling-apart type stress I get low grade fevers and chills. I always think I'm coming down with something. Tonight this happened and when I got to the event it wasn't hard to figure out why. I feel like I've got every single one of these balls in the air and it is my job to keep them all going. The kids need me to keep everything smooth between their dad and stepdad, to keep them reassured about my dad, to keep everything smooth between my parents and their spouses. My future husband needs me to reassure him that he will be treated equally as a parent, that his mom will feel included as a grandparent. My family needs me and I need for all of them to be happy so that *I* can be happy.

I just wish that everyone being happy didn't involve me constantly walking a balance beam with a hundred balls in the air.

*Shrug* Such is life, I suppose.

Patience

I don't have patience. I'm really. really. really bad at being patient.

Mr. Wonderful has been in my life for 19 months now, and I have known that we were meant to be together forever for 18 months 2 weeks.

Those of you who have met your "soulmate" know what I'm talking about. You know, right away. A way I never knew with my ex-husband and really didn't think existed.

Something about the two of us together is just perfection. He brings out my best, I bring out his. His mother recently marveled to me about his transformation since meeting me, saying she hardly recognizes him. He has become softer, more sensitive, more patient and loving and secure. He credits that to our relationship, and to becoming a father. I know that since I met him I have become a better parent by a million percent. He is such a natural at it, and seriously pushes me to always do what's right and healthy.

To be completely honest, if it were up to me, he'd probably be living here now. But he was the one who assessed the situation and decided that our kids just weren't ready and needed more time. At the time of his proposal, he was right. But now that the decision has been made and it's 6 months later, GOOD GOD WE'RE SO READY AND I JUST WANT HIM HERE.

The kids beg him not to leave every night. They all ask every day how much longer 'til he lives here. They consider him a Dad and love having him here as much as I do.

It feels wrong not to have him sleeping next to me in bed. We've become so close over the year and a half, and aside from the fun we always have when we're together, his thoughts and opinions and support have become a lifeline for me. I finally know what it feels like to be in a healthy, authentic relationship. I am now so ridiculously impatient to know what a healthy, authentic marriage feels like.

The fears of the wedding and ceremony have been washed away by this restlessness I feel to be married to the man of my dreams. It went from "WHY am I doing this" to "WHEN ARE WE DOING THIS!" Who knew.

Many of my fears about being married had to do with my kids. What would happen if it didn't work out and they had to go through another divorce? And yet, he continues to show me every single day that he is just as committed to these three as he is to me. Last week he wrote the kids the most beautiful, heart-wrenching letter I've ever read. Telling them of his intentions, that he loved them as if they were his, that he would love and protect them, always. Our therapist is so impressed by him that after I told her that he had read a step-parenting book that he disagreed with, she quipped that "he should be the one writing the book". How could I be afraid after hearing that...honestly....

I love telling the story of his practical promise to me. I was once whining about how could I know that he'd never cheat on me, that promises had been made to me before and promises have been broken. He thought about it for a moment, and then in his matter-of-fact way, stated that he would never cheat on me, because if he did and I left him, he wouldn't have any legal rights to see the kids. Knowing how much he loves them and has worked SO HARD on his relationships with them, this was enough to quiet the voices forever. I needed facts, evidence, not whimsical promises.

But this is why I love him. Practical, methodical, analytical, real.

Patient.

From Breakdown to Breakthrough

Last week, I met my mom, my future mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and my closest friends for brunch and then for an appointment at the bridal boutique. Yes, brunch did require mimosas and yes, I needed more champagne for the actual appointment. The thought of what I was about to do sat on my mind the entire morning. I heard my friends talking but wasn't really hearing what was being said. I did my best to push down the panic that kept rising up inside of me and to breathe away the anxiety.

Earlier in the week I had an actual breakDOWN. I had an entire day of crying and anxiety attacks and just sheer terror, probably brought on by all the wedding talk and dress obsessing. All the "what-ifs" began taking over and then before I knew it I had convinced myself that getting married is a huge mistake and I was a horrible mother and doomed to live my life alone, not healthy enough to be ever be with anyone. I was a disaster.

I'm lucky enough to have a support system of friends to turn to, one for every aspect of my life. One friend has gone through my situation and is the one I turn to when I have these attacks (and she to me). We have somewhat of a pact to talk each other down, and when she talks I believe her because she knows exactly what I'm thinking and what I'm going through at the moment, yet is in the sane, calm place where I need to be. She helps me recognize that this is just the fear talking. That I love Mr. Wonderful and couldn't live without him. Slowly I calm down enough to get through the rest of the week until therapy.

Once I'm with my therapist, I decide to just unleash it all on her. Here's EVERYTHING I think during a panic attack, and I know it sounds crazy and makes no sense but in the moment it has total control over me. She listens and then says this:

"No relationship is perfect. You guys are going to have problems. There will be personality clashes and issues. But you love him for his character. You KNOW his character and that he is a good man, and you wouldn't have let him into your lives if that weren't the case. All the problems can be worked through, brought here."

It was really all I needed.

So while wedding dress shopping was a little anxious for me, I held tightly onto her words. They really were all I could think about. And when I went into the dressing room with my friend who talked me through the freakout, and she zipped the side of the dress I'd been eyeing, it was tears of joy, relief, happiness, hope, and love that immediately came to my eyes when I saw myself in the mirror as a bride. We looked at each other, tears in her own eyes as well, said "This is it!", and I walked out to face my friends and family as a bride for the second time without any fear or trepidation whatsoever.

I know him, I love him, and the rest can be worked out. That is all that matters.

Saying Yes to the Dress

Friday I had a phone meeting with my wedding planner. This wedding has been so far in the back of my mind that even though I put two pop up screeching alarms in my phone to remind me of her phone call, I still managed to get stuck in the middle of the grocery store when she called exactly on time. It went something like this:

Planner: "So have you thought about flowers?"

Me: "No, I don't really care about flowers."

Planner: "What kind do you like?"

Me: "I don't know."

Planner: "What kinds of colors were you thinking for your decor?"

Me: "Do we really need decor?"

Planner: "Ok. What about your wedding dress, have you started looking?"

Me: "Um. No. should I?"

Planner: "It can take up to 6 months once you've ordered it. So I'd say yes."

Me: "Ok I'll get right on that"

Planner: "Cake? Lighting? Officiant? Have you thought about any of this?"

Me: "I'm thinking about it now."

Planner: "You know, I have this giant binder for you that is supposed to be filled with pictures and pages of things you are looking for, and it is completely empty."

I then stopped the conversation and had to explain to her why in 3 months of having hired her, I've only decided on the location of the venue. I explained to her what I've told all of you here. The wedding freaks me out a bit. I've done this before and I'm petrified to do it again. It feels like I know the end to this story because I've lived it before, and it's taking everything in me to tell myself that this one ends differently. Every effort, every stitch of hope and faith that I have inside.

Lucky for me, the wedding planner then admits that she too has been married twice and totally understands how I am feeling. Phew.

I promise her that I am beginning therapy on it this week and that I will concentrate on looking for the dress. I tell my friends the story and one of them takes charge and sets a date of 2/12 to go try on dresses with my mom, sister-in-law, future mother-in-law, and my 4 best friends (to provide Xanax and hold the paper bag when I hypervenilate).

I do hang up the phone and start feeling like I'd better tackle these things. Once home, I decided to google wedding dresses. The images popped up on the screen and for a second I pictured myself in one, and then for some reason remember the old Sex and The City episode where Carrie tries on a wedding dress and instantly breaks out in a rash and can't breathe. Ugh.

I started looking through bridal blogs and online magazines that before, had my stomach in knots and made me feel overwhelmed. And then something clicked and I became OBSESSED. I researched the different wedding boutiques in town, and this lead me to researching the different designers and price points, and then before you know it I see a dress that I think might be THE DRESS:


It couldn't be more different than my "other one". It's stylish, it's short, it's ivory, perfect for a west coast destination wedding and for what Mr. Wonderful is planning on wearing. I can wear it out to party after the wedding and dinner, and I can wear it again to the wedding reception two weeks later back home. And it's $1100 cheaper than my budget ($395!)

Did I just do this? Did I just find a dress and not break out in a rash and hyperventilate? Well, we have yet to see really, I still have to try it on and look in the mirror and see *me* as a bride again.

And that's what it boils down to. I have to see me as a bride again. After my mom asked to go bridal gown shopping with me I started thinking about how it must feel as a mother to take your daughter wedding dress shopping twice. Will she cry this time too, overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of me as a bride, or is that old hat by now? I remember finding the "perfect" dress last go around with her, and how we both were overwhelmed with emotions...so different than what I will be feeling this time I'm sure. Last time I felt as though I were riding off into the sunset. I had found my Prince Charming and life would finally be easy. Now I have absolutely no delusions of what marriage is, what it entails, and how fragile it can be. What emotions will I have as I slip the dress on and peer into the mirror at a 34 year old bride and mother of three? I'm almost afraid of what might come up. This is the closest one can get to literally "trying on" marriage again.

Through my researching I heard about the TLC show "Say Yes to the Dress". I decided to watch a couple of episodes on my ipad while I worked out and within a day I was completely hooked. Last night I watched it on Netflix until 2am. Every single episode I cry. When I first separated from my husband and would go out with friends we'd occasionally come across bachelorette parties. If I'd had enough to drink I might warn the poor, unsuspecting girl "DON'T DO IT!" I'd see tv shows like Say Yes to the Dress and think to myself "pigs running to a slaughter house". I convinced myself that marriage itself was the problem.

I've been hurt so badly. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to be abandoned again.

But I have chosen to face all these fears and make the conscious effort to move forward and try. And when I think of *after* the wedding, I am ok. I know that Mr. W and I will work anything out that comes up because we do have a love and respect for each other that I know many marriages and couples do not have. It's just the act of getting there, the touchstone that I've touched before.

But this one *will* be different in so many ways, including the man who will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I've got to keep my eye on that prize...him.

2011

I'm a little late getting this done, I've been formulating in my mind what I wanted my "resolutions" for 2011 to be plus I'm on vacation from my job so sitting at this computer feels like work :)

I say "resolutions" in quotes because I really prefer to think of them as goals. Resolutions infers that I want to change something about myself or my past, and I've learned that no experience, good or bad, comes in vain but with a lesson needed to be learned. Goals are much more attainable and realistic to me. Once I set my mind to something it gets done.

1. Working through more fears- I'm doing really well on my fears on so many fronts. I've learned to trust Mr. W completely, through both my own work and with time and experience showing me he can be trusted. But for some reason I do have one fear remaining and it's a big one: the wedding.

You know how when you've done something before, and you're doing it again, your mind automatically draws back on the experiences of the last time? Yeah. That.

No matter how hard I try and pretend like this is the first wedding "that means anything" or this is "the real deal" it's still not my first wedding. And preparing for it just brings back bad memories, I really don't know how to explain it other than that. I want to be married to Mr. Wonderful, want to be his wife and he my husband....no question. I would do it tonight if he said ok. But he wants a wedding, thank God a small one with family only, and he deserves it. For some reason that I just don't fully understand yet, I have a mental block. I'm going to be working on this in individual therapy over the next few months while at the same time trying to really begin pulling this wedding together. And in the meantime just hope that he is understanding of this and won't take it personally, cuz really....I would.

2. Fitness and health- my fitness and nutrition has become an increasingly important priority to me over the past few years. Every new year I used to make resolutions to "lose weight" until finally a few years ago, I decided I'd had enough beating myself up for the way I looked and was just sick of feeling blah and unhealthy all the time. I changed my eating to feel better and this mentality has kept me working out and eating well for years now, and has kept "lose weight" off my new year's resolutions list. It's a great feeling. But I'm always pushing myself to be the best I can be, and this year I'm working on getting even leaner while sculpting my muscles. I want to seriously be in top shape. While I really started working on this goal back in November, I'm really pushing it over the next several months to see what I can do. Lean meats and fruits and veggies. No sugar, pasta, or bread or cheese. Intense bodyweight workouts. This is my new lifestyle and while a few months ago it sounded impossible, it has become my reality and I LOVE THAT FEELING!

3. My ex- like hitting my head against a brick wall over and over, I keep coming back to this situation. Although I don't understand why, my ex is cold and rude to me in front of my children. I guess in his head he has turned the whole situation around. He can't get past me moving on, or another man becoming a father figure in his kids' lives. I don't know. But my goal from the beginning was always to have an amicable relationship with him for the sake of the kids. And that will never change. I know the feeling of anxiety of being around my parents, who hate each other, as a grown adult...I can't imagine how that translates for a child. I worry everyday how this is affecting them and who they will become. I owe it to them to keep giving it my best and to try and find a way for things to be more comfortable for them.

I'll add more as I think of them. I've sat at this computer for just about as long as I can take :)