My husband is adorable these days, constantly in a state of wonder and bliss.
He wanders into the baby's room to wash all of the new clothes, towels, blankets, hats, and tiny socks in preparation of the big arrival. As he piles it all into his arms, huge smile on his face, he grins and says "This is actually real. These are my baby's clothes. These don't belong to someone else. I'm having a baby." I am giddy watching it all sink in for him.
He practices our natural labor techniques with patience and perfectionism. He is so reassuring and calming during our "practice" labor that I don't want to stop practicing and make my "contractions" last just a little bit longer than they should.
This pregnancy hasn't been easy. I spent the first trimester on crutches or in a boot. I've been pretty uncomfortable and frustrated with the whole process, a much more selfish 37 years old compared to my last pregnancies, all in my twenties. I miss vodka, a lot, and daydream often about my first cosmopolitan.
But here with less than 3 weeks to go until our due date, I'm more sure than ever that this was the best decision I've made in a long time. Besides the one to marry my husband.
Soon we will be locking eyes over the first cries of our newborn son, a human being that our incredible love made. It will be a first for me.
And then our children will join us, the family he chose, and they will have a new brother, one they already adore and that joins us all together by blood and love.
Soon, so soon.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
The Knife
I sit at the head of the bed, as far away from him as I can possibly get and still hear his bullshit.
I stare straight down at my contracting belly, my chronic pre-term labor set into motion once again by the trauma that has just come crashing down on me like a boulder off a cliff.
As I watch my baby and beg my body to relax, I listen to his calm, emotion-less answers, that seem to float from his mouth and painfully slowly to my ears.
"I'm not a monster. I tried not to. You never want to have sex with me. I had to." His answers drip of deferred blame but he does not dare to actually say it was my fault.
One by one my questions are answered. Different women. Different places. Over a year now. Sexual addiction. Compulsive behavior. Internet hook-ups. Lunch breaks at work. Missing savings account funds explained.
I watch him then turn from a stone-cold bearer of my worst nightmare into a little, crying child. He begs me, what are you going to do? Who are you going to tell? Are you going to make me leave? Will you make me leave my children?
I am now the one who is cold and unemotional. It's as though my entire body and mind has shut down to protect myself and my unborn daughter from the unbearable pain. My world, my marriage, has fallen apart, just 3 weeks before I am to welcome this new life into our home. We have failed her. I have failed her. How could this actually be happening to me...
"Just....get out of here."
He leaves the bedroom to make a bed on the couch, and has no trouble falling asleep, as I can hear his disgusting snoring from the bedroom. I crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to suppress the scream that wants to make it's way from my chest, through my throat and out of my mouth. But there are two more children in the house who have no idea that their worlds just fell apart too. And I can't handle trying to figure out what to tell them, not now. I have to give birth in 3 weeks. A newborn to care for. I have a business to run. I have a cheating husband.
I am suddenly overtaken by a rage that I have never felt before. I hear him blaming me. I see visions of him performing the unspeakable acts with the complete strangers, women I don't know who have now touched the man who swore to touch only me. My body quivers with anger, and I can't lay there one more minute. As if overtaken my a force, I rise out of bed and float to the kitchen, where I am drawn to the knife block, as if it is calling me. I stare at it for a minute, gripping my hands into a fist so tight that there will be broken skin tomorrow. His peaceful snoring is mocking me, laughing at me, rubbing it in that I mean so little and his family means so little that he is capable of not only this disloyalty, but of sleeping right now.
I grab a butcher knife, and I walk methodically over to him on the sofa.
I stand there, holding the knife in my hand, staring at his face, deep in slumber. I feel the power and I relish in it, I take some sort of sick comfort in it, and I bask in it for just a few moments.
Of course, I do nothing. Somewhere inside my sanity seeps in, and I begin to softly cry, defeated again, powerless again, because I could never hurt anyone the way he has hurt me.
I return the knife to it's home, and I slink back into my bed, where I await sleep to take me away from this life, even just for a little while.
The morning would bring the hospital and monitoring. The week would bring his exit. The month would bring the birth of my precious daughter. The years would bring separation, divorce, and therapy for me and the kids.
These memories are the knives that stab me awake in the middle of the night, now in the present. Memories I thought were processed, filed, and stored away in the past, seemingly triggered now by the growing belly I possess once again.
Eyes fly open, head spins to where my soulmate now sleeps next to me, his hand unconsciously and lovingly resting on my stomach, protecting his son, and I remember that this one will never. We mean everything to him, and he would never.
He hears my wincing, opens his eyes, pulls me to his chest, and reminds me of this in a whisper. "I love you."
And it's enough to keep the anxiety, the memories, the flashbacks away for tonight. I draw in a deep breath, blow it out, and close my eyes.
Better things are to come.
I stare straight down at my contracting belly, my chronic pre-term labor set into motion once again by the trauma that has just come crashing down on me like a boulder off a cliff.
As I watch my baby and beg my body to relax, I listen to his calm, emotion-less answers, that seem to float from his mouth and painfully slowly to my ears.
"I'm not a monster. I tried not to. You never want to have sex with me. I had to." His answers drip of deferred blame but he does not dare to actually say it was my fault.
One by one my questions are answered. Different women. Different places. Over a year now. Sexual addiction. Compulsive behavior. Internet hook-ups. Lunch breaks at work. Missing savings account funds explained.
I watch him then turn from a stone-cold bearer of my worst nightmare into a little, crying child. He begs me, what are you going to do? Who are you going to tell? Are you going to make me leave? Will you make me leave my children?
I am now the one who is cold and unemotional. It's as though my entire body and mind has shut down to protect myself and my unborn daughter from the unbearable pain. My world, my marriage, has fallen apart, just 3 weeks before I am to welcome this new life into our home. We have failed her. I have failed her. How could this actually be happening to me...
"Just....get out of here."
He leaves the bedroom to make a bed on the couch, and has no trouble falling asleep, as I can hear his disgusting snoring from the bedroom. I crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to suppress the scream that wants to make it's way from my chest, through my throat and out of my mouth. But there are two more children in the house who have no idea that their worlds just fell apart too. And I can't handle trying to figure out what to tell them, not now. I have to give birth in 3 weeks. A newborn to care for. I have a business to run. I have a cheating husband.
I am suddenly overtaken by a rage that I have never felt before. I hear him blaming me. I see visions of him performing the unspeakable acts with the complete strangers, women I don't know who have now touched the man who swore to touch only me. My body quivers with anger, and I can't lay there one more minute. As if overtaken my a force, I rise out of bed and float to the kitchen, where I am drawn to the knife block, as if it is calling me. I stare at it for a minute, gripping my hands into a fist so tight that there will be broken skin tomorrow. His peaceful snoring is mocking me, laughing at me, rubbing it in that I mean so little and his family means so little that he is capable of not only this disloyalty, but of sleeping right now.
I grab a butcher knife, and I walk methodically over to him on the sofa.
I stand there, holding the knife in my hand, staring at his face, deep in slumber. I feel the power and I relish in it, I take some sort of sick comfort in it, and I bask in it for just a few moments.
Of course, I do nothing. Somewhere inside my sanity seeps in, and I begin to softly cry, defeated again, powerless again, because I could never hurt anyone the way he has hurt me.
I return the knife to it's home, and I slink back into my bed, where I await sleep to take me away from this life, even just for a little while.
The morning would bring the hospital and monitoring. The week would bring his exit. The month would bring the birth of my precious daughter. The years would bring separation, divorce, and therapy for me and the kids.
These memories are the knives that stab me awake in the middle of the night, now in the present. Memories I thought were processed, filed, and stored away in the past, seemingly triggered now by the growing belly I possess once again.
Eyes fly open, head spins to where my soulmate now sleeps next to me, his hand unconsciously and lovingly resting on my stomach, protecting his son, and I remember that this one will never. We mean everything to him, and he would never.
He hears my wincing, opens his eyes, pulls me to his chest, and reminds me of this in a whisper. "I love you."
And it's enough to keep the anxiety, the memories, the flashbacks away for tonight. I draw in a deep breath, blow it out, and close my eyes.
Better things are to come.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Another chance
When my husband and I first met, and all throughout our courtship, whenever the question of children came up, I made it clear to him that I. Was. Done.
I had the three most wonderful, amazing children. They were at great ages and I felt complete. However, I promised him then that I wouldn't make any permanent decisions, leading myself open to possibilities in the future if I (laughing inside) changed my mind.
Years go by and my husband supports me through the begging of my ex for not only child support but to make responsible decisions for the kids. He holds my hand as I fret over the care they are given at their father's, he misses them when they're gone right along with me, and he loves them as if they were his own.
I have marveled so many times at how I got to have a second chance at marriage. I got a real marriage proposal, a wedding that I loved, a husband who adores me and shares the sames dreams as me, everything I always dreamt of but had given up on.
So when circumstances in our lives began to change: our business took off, my husband began working with me at home, our free time increased, our youngest started kindergarten and the house became too quiet, it suddenly dawned on me, why not give myself the one experience I never got to have, a pregnancy and baby with a man who loves and supports me? What is that even like?
My ex husband was present for all of my children's births, and stood by my side as I labored, but we had no connection. I couldn't look into his eyes and ask for help, I put my head down and got through my emotions alone. Asking him for anything was met with immediate resistance and passive aggression. Instead of encouraging me, his words came across as yelling or teasing or taunting.
At the birth of my very youngest six years ago, I had just learned 3 weeks prior that he had been cheating on me with various women for at least the past year, and our marriage was likely over. I hated him. My entire pregnancy was wrought with suspicion, nightmares, and stress that I couldn't understand until I caught him, 35 weeks pregnant and unable to confide in anyone but a therapist, because my family and friends would all have to deal with him as the baby arrived. I hate that this is my last memory of childbirth.
My husband, on the other hand, came into this family a bachelor and became an instant father to three children that he is forced to share with another man, no matter how hard that is. No matter how much he loves them, sacrifices for them, or thinks of them as his, he must take second place as "just the stepfather" in so many situations. Were I to die, he would have zero rights to visit with them, even though he spends more time caring for them than their father because of our custody arrangement.
So back in September, we were sitting at the State Fair together just the two of us, sipping wine and cuddling under the lights of the Midway as families strolled by. A woman with a baby in her arms and her husband with his loving arms around them both went by, and I just knew. I knew I wanted this. I didn't know how we would do it, if we could do it, I didn't know anything except that I wanted to have a baby with this man by my side, my soul mate whom I love more and more every day.
I told him this, and he grinned, because he knew it too.
As has always happened when you make the decision to follow the signs of the universe, everything fell into place one by one. Doors opened where there were only walls before. The impossible became possible.
And then, this April 3rd, a positive test.
And then a few weeks ago, a tiny beating heart flickered on an ultrasound, as our 10 week old baby danced and waved at us, and my husband reached out and held onto me as I sobbed with joy. I looked into his eyes and was met with a knowing look, a connection that this incredible love we share created this life.
It feels like the first time in so many ways.
Our children are beyond thrilled and already fighting over who will hold the baby first. This baby will connect all of us in a way that is beyond words, a mutual love and blood that takes us all one step closer together.
I can't even come close to describing how gratifying it has been watching my husband be able to have this experience, the one he missed with our three older children. His giant grin the first time he noticed my belly growing, his emotions at hearing the heartbeat for the first time, watching him tell his family, and just a general softening of his whole being.
He deserves this more than anyone, and you know what? I deserve it, too.
I had the three most wonderful, amazing children. They were at great ages and I felt complete. However, I promised him then that I wouldn't make any permanent decisions, leading myself open to possibilities in the future if I (laughing inside) changed my mind.
Years go by and my husband supports me through the begging of my ex for not only child support but to make responsible decisions for the kids. He holds my hand as I fret over the care they are given at their father's, he misses them when they're gone right along with me, and he loves them as if they were his own.
I have marveled so many times at how I got to have a second chance at marriage. I got a real marriage proposal, a wedding that I loved, a husband who adores me and shares the sames dreams as me, everything I always dreamt of but had given up on.
So when circumstances in our lives began to change: our business took off, my husband began working with me at home, our free time increased, our youngest started kindergarten and the house became too quiet, it suddenly dawned on me, why not give myself the one experience I never got to have, a pregnancy and baby with a man who loves and supports me? What is that even like?
My ex husband was present for all of my children's births, and stood by my side as I labored, but we had no connection. I couldn't look into his eyes and ask for help, I put my head down and got through my emotions alone. Asking him for anything was met with immediate resistance and passive aggression. Instead of encouraging me, his words came across as yelling or teasing or taunting.
At the birth of my very youngest six years ago, I had just learned 3 weeks prior that he had been cheating on me with various women for at least the past year, and our marriage was likely over. I hated him. My entire pregnancy was wrought with suspicion, nightmares, and stress that I couldn't understand until I caught him, 35 weeks pregnant and unable to confide in anyone but a therapist, because my family and friends would all have to deal with him as the baby arrived. I hate that this is my last memory of childbirth.
My husband, on the other hand, came into this family a bachelor and became an instant father to three children that he is forced to share with another man, no matter how hard that is. No matter how much he loves them, sacrifices for them, or thinks of them as his, he must take second place as "just the stepfather" in so many situations. Were I to die, he would have zero rights to visit with them, even though he spends more time caring for them than their father because of our custody arrangement.
So back in September, we were sitting at the State Fair together just the two of us, sipping wine and cuddling under the lights of the Midway as families strolled by. A woman with a baby in her arms and her husband with his loving arms around them both went by, and I just knew. I knew I wanted this. I didn't know how we would do it, if we could do it, I didn't know anything except that I wanted to have a baby with this man by my side, my soul mate whom I love more and more every day.
I told him this, and he grinned, because he knew it too.
As has always happened when you make the decision to follow the signs of the universe, everything fell into place one by one. Doors opened where there were only walls before. The impossible became possible.
And then, this April 3rd, a positive test.
And then a few weeks ago, a tiny beating heart flickered on an ultrasound, as our 10 week old baby danced and waved at us, and my husband reached out and held onto me as I sobbed with joy. I looked into his eyes and was met with a knowing look, a connection that this incredible love we share created this life.
It feels like the first time in so many ways.
Our children are beyond thrilled and already fighting over who will hold the baby first. This baby will connect all of us in a way that is beyond words, a mutual love and blood that takes us all one step closer together.
I can't even come close to describing how gratifying it has been watching my husband be able to have this experience, the one he missed with our three older children. His giant grin the first time he noticed my belly growing, his emotions at hearing the heartbeat for the first time, watching him tell his family, and just a general softening of his whole being.
He deserves this more than anyone, and you know what? I deserve it, too.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thoughts on True Love
I've been married for about a year and a half now, and met my husband almost 4 years ago. My mind often compares and contrasts the differences in my two marriages. I reflect often on how close I came to never knowing what true love actually felt like.
The more distance I get from my ex husband, the more I am absolutely amazed that I ended up married to him. And this is not in a judgmental sort of way, but just...wow are we different, and in every single way you can imagine. But, this is what happens when you marry your boyfriend at 20 years old.
It took my twenties and half of my thirties, really, to get me here, to knowing exactly who I am, what I want from life, what I really BELIEVE in, and what makes me happy. At twenty, I loved junk food and watching tv and Jesus/God/church, and had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. Over the past 16 years, I've discovered that I love nutrition and exercise, that I'm artistic and creative, that I believe in the power of thoughts and that I don't believe in most religions, but a universal "God". I'm sort of a hippie, I adore the outdoors, and want to see the world, not watch it on tv. Being with him was confusing to say the least as I grew into these parts of myself. It was a constant battle as I grew and changed in one direction and he planted his feet firmly in the same spot. To this day, he is still the man he was at 21 when we married, from what I can tell. The kids come home from his house describing the exact former life I used to live with him. It just, wasn't right...and no amount of therapy and trying could make it right. I desperately tried to flex my budding self in his direction for the 11 years that we were married, to accommodate both of us and our needs, but I just. can't. imagine. how that could have gone on, forever. It's frustrating enough just trying to co-parent from a distance with someone who believes in absolutely the opposite of everything you believe.
It was liberating enough to become a single woman and begin to live exactly as I wanted, every day. To raise my children the way I wanted to, at least under my roof. It was as if my wings suddenly reached across the sky and I was free to fly as I pleased.
But the picture wasn't complete. Before I met my husband, I felt that knowing and loving yourself was the end of it, and finding love would be a happy bonus.
I don't believe that anymore.
Being with the right person has been a spiritual experience that I'm not sure I can even begin to do justice with mere words.
My now understanding of true love with your spouse is actually pretty close to my understanding of my love for my children. My desire is to bring out their best, to watch them flourish, and that the dynamic of our relationship brings out MY best.
I'm not saying that single folks can't be happy or complete, not at all. I'm just saying that there is another level beyond that I've been so incredibly lucky to be able to find.
True love with my husband has meant that we have engaged in a spiritual partnership, the sum of the two of us together being greater than the sum of us individually. He sparks inspiration and ideas in me, and I in him. Our relationship is powerful in that we can accomplish things together that we wouldn't have been able to alone.
I am certainly not saying that our relationship is perfect by any means. When two people have so much passion for life and each other, there are plenty of times that we lose our footing, and the passion can turn negative. We don't fight as much these days, but when we do, it's intense.
But for the most part and learning how to do this more and more each day, we have been able to lift each other up to new heights that we never even knew existed.
I loved my ex husband, I did. But love in itself is not enough, this is something I know now.
Relationships need to develop into something more than just love. It takes WORK. Dedication. Passion. Open-mindedness. Adventure. Humbleness.
I truly believe that without my husband, I wouldn't be the woman I am today--extremely happy, loving every minute of life no matter what it brings, exploring my spirituality and the world, trying new things, learning from those around me. But I also believe that I've helped him along his own journey and I absolutely adore watching this unfold every day. It's so exciting to partake in this kind of relationship, and I am so, so grateful that I didn't miss the chance.
The more distance I get from my ex husband, the more I am absolutely amazed that I ended up married to him. And this is not in a judgmental sort of way, but just...wow are we different, and in every single way you can imagine. But, this is what happens when you marry your boyfriend at 20 years old.
It took my twenties and half of my thirties, really, to get me here, to knowing exactly who I am, what I want from life, what I really BELIEVE in, and what makes me happy. At twenty, I loved junk food and watching tv and Jesus/God/church, and had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. Over the past 16 years, I've discovered that I love nutrition and exercise, that I'm artistic and creative, that I believe in the power of thoughts and that I don't believe in most religions, but a universal "God". I'm sort of a hippie, I adore the outdoors, and want to see the world, not watch it on tv. Being with him was confusing to say the least as I grew into these parts of myself. It was a constant battle as I grew and changed in one direction and he planted his feet firmly in the same spot. To this day, he is still the man he was at 21 when we married, from what I can tell. The kids come home from his house describing the exact former life I used to live with him. It just, wasn't right...and no amount of therapy and trying could make it right. I desperately tried to flex my budding self in his direction for the 11 years that we were married, to accommodate both of us and our needs, but I just. can't. imagine. how that could have gone on, forever. It's frustrating enough just trying to co-parent from a distance with someone who believes in absolutely the opposite of everything you believe.
It was liberating enough to become a single woman and begin to live exactly as I wanted, every day. To raise my children the way I wanted to, at least under my roof. It was as if my wings suddenly reached across the sky and I was free to fly as I pleased.
But the picture wasn't complete. Before I met my husband, I felt that knowing and loving yourself was the end of it, and finding love would be a happy bonus.
I don't believe that anymore.
Being with the right person has been a spiritual experience that I'm not sure I can even begin to do justice with mere words.
My now understanding of true love with your spouse is actually pretty close to my understanding of my love for my children. My desire is to bring out their best, to watch them flourish, and that the dynamic of our relationship brings out MY best.
“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”- Robert Heinlein
I'm not saying that single folks can't be happy or complete, not at all. I'm just saying that there is another level beyond that I've been so incredibly lucky to be able to find.
True love with my husband has meant that we have engaged in a spiritual partnership, the sum of the two of us together being greater than the sum of us individually. He sparks inspiration and ideas in me, and I in him. Our relationship is powerful in that we can accomplish things together that we wouldn't have been able to alone.
I am certainly not saying that our relationship is perfect by any means. When two people have so much passion for life and each other, there are plenty of times that we lose our footing, and the passion can turn negative. We don't fight as much these days, but when we do, it's intense.
But for the most part and learning how to do this more and more each day, we have been able to lift each other up to new heights that we never even knew existed.
I loved my ex husband, I did. But love in itself is not enough, this is something I know now.
Relationships need to develop into something more than just love. It takes WORK. Dedication. Passion. Open-mindedness. Adventure. Humbleness.
I truly believe that without my husband, I wouldn't be the woman I am today--extremely happy, loving every minute of life no matter what it brings, exploring my spirituality and the world, trying new things, learning from those around me. But I also believe that I've helped him along his own journey and I absolutely adore watching this unfold every day. It's so exciting to partake in this kind of relationship, and I am so, so grateful that I didn't miss the chance.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Clarity
Over the past six months I've been trying to live and grow in the philosophies of the great spiritual teachers to find enlightenment and peace.
This past week, we met my husband at a campsite in a state park that is quite literally in the middle of nowhere.
There is no 4G, barely any cel phone reception, and if you want wireless internet, you have to drive to it.
He stayed for a week on his own to gather his own thoughts about an upcoming project and to find his own clarity. He found it, and was so inspired by the time we met him there that I think his whole demeanor actually changed.
How could camping do this to a person? We'd been camping a number of times before, it's not like this was new.
But we've both been on this spiritual journey together, and this time maybe it was just the right time for us.
We disconnected from the internet and our phones, and therefore, the world. Nothing was reality and nothing mattered except what was right in front of us, and that was gorgeous scenery, the elements, and our children.
There were no problems except how cold it was, if our business was holding up ok back home on its own with just a few quick 15 minute check-ins each morning, how the kids were doing, did we have enough food, and what could we explore next?
My teen son didn't check Facebook or his cel-phone once. We sat across a campfire together and laughed. We challenged each other to push-up contests. I carried my 6 year old daughter down a mountain after she so bravely climbed to the top herself.
During the course of the trip, I answered one phone call, and one text - from my 83 year old grandmother and from my mom.
I evaluated my relationship with my husband and determined that we have created so much more than a marriage, but a spiritual partnership that is a force of nature.
This trip was perfection in so many ways, but the most important way was that it accelerated a journey that I was already on and brought clarity to thoughts I was already having.
Life isn't about running around and being busy, or struggling, or being the best, or having it all.
Life is about living.
And the "problems" of every day? Self-created dramas that disappear when you disconnect.
I'm so thankful to be learning these lessons at only 36 years old. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to teach them to my children.
I'm so happy to be exactly where I am at this moment.
This past week, we met my husband at a campsite in a state park that is quite literally in the middle of nowhere.
There is no 4G, barely any cel phone reception, and if you want wireless internet, you have to drive to it.
He stayed for a week on his own to gather his own thoughts about an upcoming project and to find his own clarity. He found it, and was so inspired by the time we met him there that I think his whole demeanor actually changed.
How could camping do this to a person? We'd been camping a number of times before, it's not like this was new.
But we've both been on this spiritual journey together, and this time maybe it was just the right time for us.
We disconnected from the internet and our phones, and therefore, the world. Nothing was reality and nothing mattered except what was right in front of us, and that was gorgeous scenery, the elements, and our children.
There were no problems except how cold it was, if our business was holding up ok back home on its own with just a few quick 15 minute check-ins each morning, how the kids were doing, did we have enough food, and what could we explore next?
My teen son didn't check Facebook or his cel-phone once. We sat across a campfire together and laughed. We challenged each other to push-up contests. I carried my 6 year old daughter down a mountain after she so bravely climbed to the top herself.
During the course of the trip, I answered one phone call, and one text - from my 83 year old grandmother and from my mom.
I evaluated my relationship with my husband and determined that we have created so much more than a marriage, but a spiritual partnership that is a force of nature.
This trip was perfection in so many ways, but the most important way was that it accelerated a journey that I was already on and brought clarity to thoughts I was already having.
Life isn't about running around and being busy, or struggling, or being the best, or having it all.
Life is about living.
And the "problems" of every day? Self-created dramas that disappear when you disconnect.
I'm so thankful to be learning these lessons at only 36 years old. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to teach them to my children.
I'm so happy to be exactly where I am at this moment.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Living a Dream
I am living a dream.
If you had asked me years ago to design my perfect life, what I am living now is EXACTLY what I would have planned.
This is not by accident.
I think, in my years of struggle, darkness, triumph, and rebirth, that I have stumbled upon many "secrets of life" that I have been able to apply with great success.
Obviously, this has not been easy. Anyone who has been reading this diary for the past 4 years knows that.
But "there's beauty in the breakdown". And sometimes I think that the deeper into darkness we fall, the deeper engrained the lessons are that come from it.
I'm currently "working" my dream job, for the second time in my life. I'm so passionate about my new career that not one minute of it feels like work. I am excited to wake up each morning and create something new, excited to help others and help myself in the process. I am working alongside my life partner, and together we are unstoppable. We watch our business grow by leaps and bounds each day, and opportunities consistently fall into our laps that leave us humbled and grateful.
I have my kids 90% of the time now. My ex husband has decided that he could not afford to take care of them (eye roll) and now they are sleeping in their own rooms, in comfortable beds, eating healthy food, being nurtured and cared for, and living with a healthy relationship role model 90% of the time. I never could have imagined this would happen but I wanted it for them, and when the opportunity arose, I took it.
I have learned the practice of daily meditation. I even attended a meditation class and had to laugh because it felt like church. I'm in touch now with the big picture of spirituality, even though I have abandoned all religion and my former ideas of what spirituality was.
I'm watching every dream I've ever wished for come true, one by one. I've mastered the process of asking, working, thinking, and receiving. It works.
Through meditation I have conquered anxiety, fear, and depression. I'm currently weaning off my anti-depressants.
I've come to truly understand the power of thoughts as well as the power of NOT thinking, and I'm learning to use that.
I'm learning how the adventurous, successful, happy people out there bridge the gap between wanting something and getting it.
I've learned that happiness and peace is attainable every single day when you learn to see the good that is already in front of you and feel grateful for it.
I've learned that if I tune out all the excess "crap"-clutter, most of social media, drama, news, gossip, shopping just to shop, doing things just because everyone else is, and focus on just the important things--that I am freeing up my time for all that is important to me, working only hours a week with a big return, freeing up income for priorities like travel, and just living a stress-free life.
So that's the latest with me. More amazing things to come.
If you had asked me years ago to design my perfect life, what I am living now is EXACTLY what I would have planned.
This is not by accident.
I think, in my years of struggle, darkness, triumph, and rebirth, that I have stumbled upon many "secrets of life" that I have been able to apply with great success.
Obviously, this has not been easy. Anyone who has been reading this diary for the past 4 years knows that.
But "there's beauty in the breakdown". And sometimes I think that the deeper into darkness we fall, the deeper engrained the lessons are that come from it.
I'm currently "working" my dream job, for the second time in my life. I'm so passionate about my new career that not one minute of it feels like work. I am excited to wake up each morning and create something new, excited to help others and help myself in the process. I am working alongside my life partner, and together we are unstoppable. We watch our business grow by leaps and bounds each day, and opportunities consistently fall into our laps that leave us humbled and grateful.
I have my kids 90% of the time now. My ex husband has decided that he could not afford to take care of them (eye roll) and now they are sleeping in their own rooms, in comfortable beds, eating healthy food, being nurtured and cared for, and living with a healthy relationship role model 90% of the time. I never could have imagined this would happen but I wanted it for them, and when the opportunity arose, I took it.
I have learned the practice of daily meditation. I even attended a meditation class and had to laugh because it felt like church. I'm in touch now with the big picture of spirituality, even though I have abandoned all religion and my former ideas of what spirituality was.
I'm watching every dream I've ever wished for come true, one by one. I've mastered the process of asking, working, thinking, and receiving. It works.
Through meditation I have conquered anxiety, fear, and depression. I'm currently weaning off my anti-depressants.
I've come to truly understand the power of thoughts as well as the power of NOT thinking, and I'm learning to use that.
I'm learning how the adventurous, successful, happy people out there bridge the gap between wanting something and getting it.
I've learned that happiness and peace is attainable every single day when you learn to see the good that is already in front of you and feel grateful for it.
I've learned that if I tune out all the excess "crap"-clutter, most of social media, drama, news, gossip, shopping just to shop, doing things just because everyone else is, and focus on just the important things--that I am freeing up my time for all that is important to me, working only hours a week with a big return, freeing up income for priorities like travel, and just living a stress-free life.
So that's the latest with me. More amazing things to come.
Monday, December 31, 2012
2013-My Vision
It's amazing to me, the power of just saying what you want outloud to the universe.
Of course, nothing just happens. You have to take every opportunity that arises, you have to stare fear down in the face, you must be willing to embrace change and failure as signs, not as dead ends.
I was reading some of my tweets from last New Year's. I tweeted on the eve of 2012 that this time next year, I wanted to change careers and begin working with my husband full time. I didn't know how we would do it. And I still really don't understand how, but just this past month, we made it happen. We are running the business of my dreams together as a team. We work from home, we have our business meetings together in our living room or on walks. Work doesn't feel at all like work. I am living my passion alongside my life partner who is also living his passion, and our work is changing lives. Our marriage is rock solid.
Last year I resolved to make this year more balanced, avoid drama, and to live with gratitude. After a rough year, I'm there. Last minute, but I'm there :) I began writing my daily gratitude down every day, and even do my own separate version for my husband. It keeps everything in perspective, and makes me realize that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. There are no longer any "shoulds" in my vocabulary. Just what is.
This year I created a vision board for myself full of quotes, pictures of people and places I love, places I want to visit. It makes me happy every single time I look at it. I'm reminded of all the things that already bring me so much joy, and that the world is full of possibility and opportunity. I believe in the power of visualization and thoughts becoming things, so here are my thoughts for 2013:
1. Declutter. From our bedroom to the kids', I want minimalism, and simplicity. Easy to clean up, less distraction and drama.
2. Spending diet. We are cutting expenses everywhere we can at this moment to make room for our dreams. We aren't eating out, at all. We're making everything from scratch. I'm cutting the girls' hair. We are cleaning our own house for the first time in 9 years. Instead of material gifts this Christmas, we tried to give our kids experiences or really thoughtful gifts. Concert tickets, pet fish, scooters that get them outdoors more. Less stuff, more use. (In case you're skeptical, it was declared best Christmas ever) Even if our budget opens up and money became no object, this is something I want to stick with.
3. Laughter. 2012 was tough, but I made it through with laughter. My husband makes me laugh all day long, my kids crack me up regularly. Laughter is a huge priority for me in 2013.
4. Passion. I am so incredibly passionate about the work I'm doing, and I want it to spread to others. A big goal of mine is getting the people around me to catch the fire in my heart and start a grass roots movement of change.
5. Meditate. This is a new skill I've been working on that I believe has helped me with anxiety. I've learned to be completely in the moment, to just listen to sounds, see colors and sights, feel textures without judgement or thought. I practice while driving and waiting in lines and it has been an unbelievably calming activity. I'd like to expand on this.
6. Happiness through intrinsic gratification. Happiness from helping others, self-growth, finding joy in every day. I'm going to live every day exactly the way I want to and trust that the universe will align to support it. If I want to write, I'll write. If I want to rest, I'll rest. No stress, no busy for the sake of being busy, no apologies, no guilt. If I want to weight train, I'll do that. If I'd rather run, I'll do that. No more "sacrificing for the greater good" or chasing something that never comes. Goals are great but daily happiness is most important.
7. Move. Another thing I started this year that I want to expand on is moving as much as possible. I've been working out for a few years now, but it's really starting to sink in that this is not enough when you work behind a desk all day. I'm trying to get up and move around, to walk every day in addition to my workouts.
8. Do it now. Procrastination and lack of focus are two major issues I work against every day. I started a journal where I've been writing down the 3 big things I need to accomplish that day. Until those are accomplished, no email gets checked, no social media, no texts or phone calls. This has helped but I still have some work to do in other areas besides work, like keeping the kitchen clean and not having things pile up in "I'll deal with it later" piles.
9. Helping others and positivity. The past year I have watched one truly miserable person cause so much wreckless damage to so many people, and it's been eye-opening. If one angry, sad soul, left unchecked can do so much external damage, what would happen if that energy was put to positivity and selfless acts instead? One person can touch so many lives around them, and I want to not only be responsible with that knowledge but to put it to good use. Every act, every word that comes from me I want to be positive and good-intentioned.
10. Unwritten. I have a very big thing that I want for 2013. I don't even want to say it out loud, but here I am asking the universe to open up a way for it to happen, because right now I don't know how.
Of course, nothing just happens. You have to take every opportunity that arises, you have to stare fear down in the face, you must be willing to embrace change and failure as signs, not as dead ends.
I was reading some of my tweets from last New Year's. I tweeted on the eve of 2012 that this time next year, I wanted to change careers and begin working with my husband full time. I didn't know how we would do it. And I still really don't understand how, but just this past month, we made it happen. We are running the business of my dreams together as a team. We work from home, we have our business meetings together in our living room or on walks. Work doesn't feel at all like work. I am living my passion alongside my life partner who is also living his passion, and our work is changing lives. Our marriage is rock solid.
Last year I resolved to make this year more balanced, avoid drama, and to live with gratitude. After a rough year, I'm there. Last minute, but I'm there :) I began writing my daily gratitude down every day, and even do my own separate version for my husband. It keeps everything in perspective, and makes me realize that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. There are no longer any "shoulds" in my vocabulary. Just what is.
This year I created a vision board for myself full of quotes, pictures of people and places I love, places I want to visit. It makes me happy every single time I look at it. I'm reminded of all the things that already bring me so much joy, and that the world is full of possibility and opportunity. I believe in the power of visualization and thoughts becoming things, so here are my thoughts for 2013:
1. Declutter. From our bedroom to the kids', I want minimalism, and simplicity. Easy to clean up, less distraction and drama.
2. Spending diet. We are cutting expenses everywhere we can at this moment to make room for our dreams. We aren't eating out, at all. We're making everything from scratch. I'm cutting the girls' hair. We are cleaning our own house for the first time in 9 years. Instead of material gifts this Christmas, we tried to give our kids experiences or really thoughtful gifts. Concert tickets, pet fish, scooters that get them outdoors more. Less stuff, more use. (In case you're skeptical, it was declared best Christmas ever) Even if our budget opens up and money became no object, this is something I want to stick with.
3. Laughter. 2012 was tough, but I made it through with laughter. My husband makes me laugh all day long, my kids crack me up regularly. Laughter is a huge priority for me in 2013.
4. Passion. I am so incredibly passionate about the work I'm doing, and I want it to spread to others. A big goal of mine is getting the people around me to catch the fire in my heart and start a grass roots movement of change.
5. Meditate. This is a new skill I've been working on that I believe has helped me with anxiety. I've learned to be completely in the moment, to just listen to sounds, see colors and sights, feel textures without judgement or thought. I practice while driving and waiting in lines and it has been an unbelievably calming activity. I'd like to expand on this.
6. Happiness through intrinsic gratification. Happiness from helping others, self-growth, finding joy in every day. I'm going to live every day exactly the way I want to and trust that the universe will align to support it. If I want to write, I'll write. If I want to rest, I'll rest. No stress, no busy for the sake of being busy, no apologies, no guilt. If I want to weight train, I'll do that. If I'd rather run, I'll do that. No more "sacrificing for the greater good" or chasing something that never comes. Goals are great but daily happiness is most important.
7. Move. Another thing I started this year that I want to expand on is moving as much as possible. I've been working out for a few years now, but it's really starting to sink in that this is not enough when you work behind a desk all day. I'm trying to get up and move around, to walk every day in addition to my workouts.
8. Do it now. Procrastination and lack of focus are two major issues I work against every day. I started a journal where I've been writing down the 3 big things I need to accomplish that day. Until those are accomplished, no email gets checked, no social media, no texts or phone calls. This has helped but I still have some work to do in other areas besides work, like keeping the kitchen clean and not having things pile up in "I'll deal with it later" piles.
9. Helping others and positivity. The past year I have watched one truly miserable person cause so much wreckless damage to so many people, and it's been eye-opening. If one angry, sad soul, left unchecked can do so much external damage, what would happen if that energy was put to positivity and selfless acts instead? One person can touch so many lives around them, and I want to not only be responsible with that knowledge but to put it to good use. Every act, every word that comes from me I want to be positive and good-intentioned.
10. Unwritten. I have a very big thing that I want for 2013. I don't even want to say it out loud, but here I am asking the universe to open up a way for it to happen, because right now I don't know how.
Friday, December 28, 2012
2012: Reflection
Every year for the past few years, around New Year’s, I have gone back through my iPhone photos, pulled the best, and made a collection to document our year.
This is a really great way to photojournal how our past year went and a fun reminder of all that transpired.
This year I began looking through the photos, just to begin to choose the best ones. When I scrolled back through the beginning of last year and then all the way through September, I began to shake and feel anxious, to my surprise. I was seeing the photos but remembering the feelings, instantly recognizing the smile I pasted onto my face as an empty one.
I realized that I could look back on this year as a bad one, but lately that has not been my style. I had a legal battle with my ex that was so incredibly stressful and difficult, but in the end I ended up getting what I deserved and the kids so deserve. I fought a major, major battle with depression this summer that almost killed me. My relationships were strained in the process as I struggled to hold on to those that I love most.
But all of that hardship, just as it always has, brought me to a deeper understanding of so many things. I feel for the first time like I am really beginning to understand happiness and higher living. As I searched for a natural and homeopathic cure for my depression and anxiety, I found answers right under my nose.
I realized how little I actually need to be happy.
I realized that gratitude is the answer to just about every problem that surfaces in my life.
I realized that there is so much power in my thoughts that I need to control the way I think.
I realized just how in control I am of my thoughts.
I realized that life is really not supposed to be stressful and packed with things and activities and commitments.
I realized that simple is better.
I realized how much judging others hurts ME.
I realized how little all the “stuff” of our head actually matters in the end.
I fell in love with the outdoors again.
I fell in love with laughter again.
I learned to say thank you for every good thing.
I learned how to inspire myself.
I realized that the only moment I have is right now, and worrying about the future or the past is a waste of emotion.
I learned to avoid drama by reacting from a place of peace.
I decided that I would live every day exactly the way I want to live it, no chasing of dreams or putting anything off…I find happiness daily and love to wake up in the mornings and experience it.
So maybe this wasn’t the rosiest of years but it was necessary for my growth. I feel fully in control of my life now, I feel happy and am certain that no matter what life throws at me, I’ll be just fine.
I’m the luckiest girl in the world, actually.
This is a really great way to photojournal how our past year went and a fun reminder of all that transpired.
This year I began looking through the photos, just to begin to choose the best ones. When I scrolled back through the beginning of last year and then all the way through September, I began to shake and feel anxious, to my surprise. I was seeing the photos but remembering the feelings, instantly recognizing the smile I pasted onto my face as an empty one.
I realized that I could look back on this year as a bad one, but lately that has not been my style. I had a legal battle with my ex that was so incredibly stressful and difficult, but in the end I ended up getting what I deserved and the kids so deserve. I fought a major, major battle with depression this summer that almost killed me. My relationships were strained in the process as I struggled to hold on to those that I love most.
But all of that hardship, just as it always has, brought me to a deeper understanding of so many things. I feel for the first time like I am really beginning to understand happiness and higher living. As I searched for a natural and homeopathic cure for my depression and anxiety, I found answers right under my nose.
I realized how little I actually need to be happy.
I realized that gratitude is the answer to just about every problem that surfaces in my life.
I realized that there is so much power in my thoughts that I need to control the way I think.
I realized just how in control I am of my thoughts.
I realized that life is really not supposed to be stressful and packed with things and activities and commitments.
I realized that simple is better.
I realized how much judging others hurts ME.
I realized how little all the “stuff” of our head actually matters in the end.
I fell in love with the outdoors again.
I fell in love with laughter again.
I learned to say thank you for every good thing.
I learned how to inspire myself.
I realized that the only moment I have is right now, and worrying about the future or the past is a waste of emotion.
I learned to avoid drama by reacting from a place of peace.
I decided that I would live every day exactly the way I want to live it, no chasing of dreams or putting anything off…I find happiness daily and love to wake up in the mornings and experience it.
So maybe this wasn’t the rosiest of years but it was necessary for my growth. I feel fully in control of my life now, I feel happy and am certain that no matter what life throws at me, I’ll be just fine.
I’m the luckiest girl in the world, actually.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Heart Walking Outside Your Body
I should be working, but I just can't.
Like every mother and father out there, every aunt and uncle, everyone who has loved a child, I can't get past what happened on Friday.
This is not just a news story that I can turn off. I have turned off the tv, avoided social media, and yet every time I am alone with my thoughts, a movie starts playing in my head of some crazed soul walking into my daughters' classrooms with a semi-automatic weapon and shooting. My six year old is afraid of thunder. She is afraid of the dark. My nine year old is too young to see the movie Twilight. I just can't stop thinking about what these kids saw, how much they probably wanted their mommies, and how a band-aid just isn't enough this time.
I can't look at the photos and names of the victims. I feel selfish for that, because I want to grieve them for the sake of their parents and brothers and sisters. But the brief glance I did see of the list showed names and faces of kids who look just like my own six year old and her friends. How would I ever go on without one of my children? I just don't think I could. I can't imagine a pain worse than this, and knowing how scared they probably were....I couldn't.
I sent my babies off to school today for the first time since this happened. They have been in school for 1 hour and 14 minutes, and every minute has been excruciating. I don't feel that sense of peace and safety that I felt before. Kids---babies---were off limits before. They aren't now.
This is a slippery slope for someone with depression and anxiety. I am trying to use everything I've learned to get through this, including writing my feelings down here. I am intensely grateful for my three children, always, but now I can't stop staring at them and thanking the universe that they are safe, innocent, and still naive to the events of Friday (I did tell my oldest because I knew he'd find out on Facebook). I've tried to see what good I can see in the situation--the donations pouring in, the outpouring of love from our nation to the families. It's hard to wade through all the crap that has also come out, the fight over gun control and even mental illness. But I'm trying.
I have only recently come to believe again that there is no true death, only the end of our physical form. This has helped me a little. I feel a tiny light of peace that I would not have felt otherwise.
But overall, I grieve with the rest of the country for the loss of innocence, extending from the ones lost, to the ones who saw, to the families affected, to the town, to every parent and child who now doesn't feel safe at school.
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” -Elizabeth Stone
Like every mother and father out there, every aunt and uncle, everyone who has loved a child, I can't get past what happened on Friday.
This is not just a news story that I can turn off. I have turned off the tv, avoided social media, and yet every time I am alone with my thoughts, a movie starts playing in my head of some crazed soul walking into my daughters' classrooms with a semi-automatic weapon and shooting. My six year old is afraid of thunder. She is afraid of the dark. My nine year old is too young to see the movie Twilight. I just can't stop thinking about what these kids saw, how much they probably wanted their mommies, and how a band-aid just isn't enough this time.
I can't look at the photos and names of the victims. I feel selfish for that, because I want to grieve them for the sake of their parents and brothers and sisters. But the brief glance I did see of the list showed names and faces of kids who look just like my own six year old and her friends. How would I ever go on without one of my children? I just don't think I could. I can't imagine a pain worse than this, and knowing how scared they probably were....I couldn't.
I sent my babies off to school today for the first time since this happened. They have been in school for 1 hour and 14 minutes, and every minute has been excruciating. I don't feel that sense of peace and safety that I felt before. Kids---babies---were off limits before. They aren't now.
This is a slippery slope for someone with depression and anxiety. I am trying to use everything I've learned to get through this, including writing my feelings down here. I am intensely grateful for my three children, always, but now I can't stop staring at them and thanking the universe that they are safe, innocent, and still naive to the events of Friday (I did tell my oldest because I knew he'd find out on Facebook). I've tried to see what good I can see in the situation--the donations pouring in, the outpouring of love from our nation to the families. It's hard to wade through all the crap that has also come out, the fight over gun control and even mental illness. But I'm trying.
I have only recently come to believe again that there is no true death, only the end of our physical form. This has helped me a little. I feel a tiny light of peace that I would not have felt otherwise.
But overall, I grieve with the rest of the country for the loss of innocence, extending from the ones lost, to the ones who saw, to the families affected, to the town, to every parent and child who now doesn't feel safe at school.
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” -Elizabeth Stone
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
My Journey to Now
I've been on a journey lately that may be one of the most important things I've ever done in my life.
I mentioned in my last post how I try to think of my mental illness issues as a blessing instead of a curse; as frustrating as the downsides can be, I sometimes think that I am able to use the symptoms to my advantage. I may feel a little more deeply than other people, which of course is bad when the feelings are bad, but when they're good? It's amazing. I think they call it flying close to the sun, which is exactly how I picture myself.
I've had so many epiphanies and "lightbulb moments" this past month that I don't even know where to begin. I've been working on my happiness, and fighting depression and anxiety with medication but also with thought and perspective changes. At least, that's where it started.
Sometime after my last post, I was sitting out on my back patio, sipping coffee and checking my phone. It was a normal morning, cool and still, and my dog was in the backyard with me. She had been lying in the grass and I guess heard a squirrel, and got up to check it out. As I looked up from my phone and watched her, I had this overwhelming sense of tranquility that I could not explain. It wasn't just happiness, it was something almost holy. I don't remember ever experiencing anything like it. It lasted for about a minute. I noticed the wind moving the trees slowly and it was like I was in tune with every leaf. I saw her moving towards the squirrel quietly, I noticed the temperature of the air, the way the sun was hitting everything, and the moment seemed to last forever. Then it was over, and I felt so peaceful. I had no idea what had just happened but I knew I had tapped into something that I wanted more of.
The next day I tried to explain what had happened to my husband, but coming up with words for that experience is nearly impossible. And when you describe the actual moment, it sounds so insignificant when in reality, it was enormous.
I moved on not knowing what to think about that moment and kept trying to recreate it. The closest I could come was on my walks out in nature, but nothing ever came close to the perfection and the stillness I had found on my patio.
I read several blogs and websites about happiness and peace these days, to aid in my journey to finding permanent happiness. I kept seeing the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle mentioned on these blogs. I had heard of this book years earlier and even remember watching Mr. Tolle speak on Oprah back when I had time to watch tv. It was on my radar, then one afternoon I was scrolling my Facebook feed and someone had asked "What are you all reading right now?" and someone mentioned this book. That was all I needed that the universe was trying to tell me something, so I bought the book on Kindle and began it that night.
In the first chapter, Mr. Tolle describes the moment I experienced in perfect detail! I couldn't believe it! I was obviously meant to read this book, and it turns out to be the answers that I was seeking in "How can I get more of that". His explanation is a tough one to recreate in my own words, but basically, once we tune into the present moment then we are in touch with our own spirits--the "us" that is free of the thinking brain; and only then can we find true peace and happiness. The book is his teaching of how to accomplish this feeling even through our darkest hours.
I've written here before about how I lost my religion after my father's brain tumor disaster. I just couldn't believe anymore in the God that I grew up knowing, it didn't make sense to me that someone was up there making decisions or allowing things to happen and it was all part of some larger plan. At first I called myself an atheist but I think that was more of an anger thing with a God that I still believed in on some level. Eventually I let that go, and I could not deny that there was still "something"...I just didn't know what.
I think I'm starting to understand that now; my belief of what there "is". It's a connection between all human beings, all living things. And not our "egos"--which make us do crazy things, but our souls. We are all one.
This has been tough for me to wrap my mind around. In nature, it's easy. I love nature. I can look at a tree and feel my one-ness with it, no problem. Trees don't have egos, or thinking minds, and a tree has never hurt me. People are a totally different story. I've been hurt by people. People completely mystify me in their behaviors. People make me anxious--I practically never leave my house these days out of fear of people. But I'm still learning and trying, and my goal is to completely eliminate my anxiety.
Our thoughts are completely controllable. We create dramas and anxieties with our thinking minds that cause us so much unnecessary pain. By worrying about the future we create what Mr. Tolle calls an "anxiety gap"--a gap between the present moment and the future that causes pain. The future hasn't happened yet and it is insanity to focus on it instead of focusing on right now, the perfect present.
It turns out that I already knew this on some level. When I was reading about the anxiety gap I remembered a conversation I had with my youngest a few months ago. She was suddenly terrified of dying someday and couldn't sleep at night because of thinking about it. It broke my heart to watch her suffer from the same anxiety I've had my entire life, and I taught her to ask herself "Am I ok right now?" The answer is ALWAYS yes, and she got over her fear of dying very quickly.
When the book described letting go of so much unnecessary thought and anxiety I began to cry. I want my brain to stop thinking so much. It's like a constant current of noise and when it was turned off momentarily, the silence was so beautiful.
36 years of habit is going to be tough to undo. I feel like I'm undergoing a major transformation in thought and just like changing to a healthy eating lifestyle, it's not going to be easy and will take lots of time and attention. But all to have more of that peaceful moment on my patio back? Completely worth it.
I mentioned in my last post how I try to think of my mental illness issues as a blessing instead of a curse; as frustrating as the downsides can be, I sometimes think that I am able to use the symptoms to my advantage. I may feel a little more deeply than other people, which of course is bad when the feelings are bad, but when they're good? It's amazing. I think they call it flying close to the sun, which is exactly how I picture myself.
I've had so many epiphanies and "lightbulb moments" this past month that I don't even know where to begin. I've been working on my happiness, and fighting depression and anxiety with medication but also with thought and perspective changes. At least, that's where it started.
Sometime after my last post, I was sitting out on my back patio, sipping coffee and checking my phone. It was a normal morning, cool and still, and my dog was in the backyard with me. She had been lying in the grass and I guess heard a squirrel, and got up to check it out. As I looked up from my phone and watched her, I had this overwhelming sense of tranquility that I could not explain. It wasn't just happiness, it was something almost holy. I don't remember ever experiencing anything like it. It lasted for about a minute. I noticed the wind moving the trees slowly and it was like I was in tune with every leaf. I saw her moving towards the squirrel quietly, I noticed the temperature of the air, the way the sun was hitting everything, and the moment seemed to last forever. Then it was over, and I felt so peaceful. I had no idea what had just happened but I knew I had tapped into something that I wanted more of.
The next day I tried to explain what had happened to my husband, but coming up with words for that experience is nearly impossible. And when you describe the actual moment, it sounds so insignificant when in reality, it was enormous.
I moved on not knowing what to think about that moment and kept trying to recreate it. The closest I could come was on my walks out in nature, but nothing ever came close to the perfection and the stillness I had found on my patio.
I read several blogs and websites about happiness and peace these days, to aid in my journey to finding permanent happiness. I kept seeing the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle mentioned on these blogs. I had heard of this book years earlier and even remember watching Mr. Tolle speak on Oprah back when I had time to watch tv. It was on my radar, then one afternoon I was scrolling my Facebook feed and someone had asked "What are you all reading right now?" and someone mentioned this book. That was all I needed that the universe was trying to tell me something, so I bought the book on Kindle and began it that night.
In the first chapter, Mr. Tolle describes the moment I experienced in perfect detail! I couldn't believe it! I was obviously meant to read this book, and it turns out to be the answers that I was seeking in "How can I get more of that". His explanation is a tough one to recreate in my own words, but basically, once we tune into the present moment then we are in touch with our own spirits--the "us" that is free of the thinking brain; and only then can we find true peace and happiness. The book is his teaching of how to accomplish this feeling even through our darkest hours.
I've written here before about how I lost my religion after my father's brain tumor disaster. I just couldn't believe anymore in the God that I grew up knowing, it didn't make sense to me that someone was up there making decisions or allowing things to happen and it was all part of some larger plan. At first I called myself an atheist but I think that was more of an anger thing with a God that I still believed in on some level. Eventually I let that go, and I could not deny that there was still "something"...I just didn't know what.
I think I'm starting to understand that now; my belief of what there "is". It's a connection between all human beings, all living things. And not our "egos"--which make us do crazy things, but our souls. We are all one.
This has been tough for me to wrap my mind around. In nature, it's easy. I love nature. I can look at a tree and feel my one-ness with it, no problem. Trees don't have egos, or thinking minds, and a tree has never hurt me. People are a totally different story. I've been hurt by people. People completely mystify me in their behaviors. People make me anxious--I practically never leave my house these days out of fear of people. But I'm still learning and trying, and my goal is to completely eliminate my anxiety.
Our thoughts are completely controllable. We create dramas and anxieties with our thinking minds that cause us so much unnecessary pain. By worrying about the future we create what Mr. Tolle calls an "anxiety gap"--a gap between the present moment and the future that causes pain. The future hasn't happened yet and it is insanity to focus on it instead of focusing on right now, the perfect present.
It turns out that I already knew this on some level. When I was reading about the anxiety gap I remembered a conversation I had with my youngest a few months ago. She was suddenly terrified of dying someday and couldn't sleep at night because of thinking about it. It broke my heart to watch her suffer from the same anxiety I've had my entire life, and I taught her to ask herself "Am I ok right now?" The answer is ALWAYS yes, and she got over her fear of dying very quickly.
When the book described letting go of so much unnecessary thought and anxiety I began to cry. I want my brain to stop thinking so much. It's like a constant current of noise and when it was turned off momentarily, the silence was so beautiful.
36 years of habit is going to be tough to undo. I feel like I'm undergoing a major transformation in thought and just like changing to a healthy eating lifestyle, it's not going to be easy and will take lots of time and attention. But all to have more of that peaceful moment on my patio back? Completely worth it.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The Pursuit of Happiness
I'm ok, really I am. You guys hear from me on my bad days because this is my outlet for the pain, the place I turn when I'm feeling awkward and misunderstood. But I am having many more good days than bad.
I've had so many people share their stories of depression with me and I thought I would share a little bit more about how I am fighting it, not just with medication.
I came across a blog post about a month ago that was fitness related, but was so inspiring to every aspect of my life. It talked about having a virtual "vision board", something in e-form so you could copy and paste inspiring quotes and images easily and paste it into your blog or word document.
I started off just recording 5 gratitude statements per day. This was a good start but I would record the statements and not really *feel* them. I started work on my virtual vision board, made a list of all the things I wanted to do and see and experiences I wanted to have. It took a good week to finish but I made it my sole priority everyday to get a little bit of it done. It started to feel like the difference between getting better and sinking further into despair.
It was difficult at first to have a clear vision for what I wanted for my life. The travel part was easy, I love to travel and see the world. But what would fulfill me until then?
This is going to sound so completely cliche and SOOO 2006, but The Secret movie has always really inspired me. I know that most people think it's hocus pocus. But I have lived by the principles in the movie in the past and it was the happiest I had ever been. This dawned on me last week, and I remembered that it was available on Netflix. So I cued it up on my iPad and watched it in my kitchen while making dinner.
It all came rushing back to me...how the joy of life is in the gratitude for the things we do have, how the attitude of gratitude brings about more of what we love, how our thoughts are the glasses we wear to see the world around us. I was reminded of how when we have ideas we should go forward with trust and no fear--how you don't have to see the top of the staircase to take the first step--how with action, the universe will open doors where there were only walls--how we create our own heaven on earth.
I followed up The Secret with a documentary also available on Netflix called "Happy". This movie totally drove the point home that happiness is not in any material things, situations, people...happiness is a perspective. The movie opens with a family in a third world country. The father is being interviewed and talking about how great his life is and how happy he is. He says "We have a great house that shelters us from the rain, and a great community"...and they show his house and it is nothing but a shack with a tarp for a roof. But he was joyful because in that house was the family that he loves, and surrounding his house were neighbors who were a supportive community for his family.
Another interesting point in Happy is that happiness is that feeling you get when you are doing something you love, something you could do for hours and not notice the time has gone by. Whether it's rockclimbing, or hiking, or playing with your kids, we should find the activities that bring us that type of mindless joy and fill our lives with those moments. Tomorrow or even the next minute of our lives is not promised, so living in the present is the key to tranquility. For someone who suffers from severe anxiety, reminding myself of this has helped me SO. MUCH.
I finished up my virtual vision board and even made a physical one for my office, that sits right next to me. Here are the quotes I read everytime I look over:
I am beginning to try and look at life differently. I'm seeing my mental illness as a blessing instead of a curse. Yes I have horrible awful days, but without them I might not appreciate the good so much. Yes I have an overactive mind that is riddled with anxiety, but if I really focus, I can use that overactivity and channel it into being incredibly productive and creative.
Whenever I have one of those blissful moments, in my mind I say "Thank you". I recognize the moment and really feel the joy in it. In turn, everything around me is changing. The attitudes of the people I love are suddenly different. They were never the problem...it was always me. Realizing this and really wrapping my mind around it has been HUGE.
My creativity has been at an all-time high since I've been working on this little happiness project, and I have some pretty inspired ideas that I just need to make sure I follow through on. I am not expecting everyday to be roses and daisies, because this *is* chemistry in my brain, a physical illness that could take hold at any time. But even in those dark moments I will meditate on the fact that no matter what my body does, I am in control of my thoughts, and I can change them. I will aim to view the hard days as part of the process and a lesson in what is good in my life.
I have so much to look forward to and I have woken up the past couple of days so excited just to be alive and make my bliss. I feel like I have a clear picture of what the rest of my life should be. We're not meant to be so stressed out. Life is supposed to be relaxed and happy, everyday.
It's a work in progress, but progress it is.
I've had so many people share their stories of depression with me and I thought I would share a little bit more about how I am fighting it, not just with medication.
I came across a blog post about a month ago that was fitness related, but was so inspiring to every aspect of my life. It talked about having a virtual "vision board", something in e-form so you could copy and paste inspiring quotes and images easily and paste it into your blog or word document.
I started off just recording 5 gratitude statements per day. This was a good start but I would record the statements and not really *feel* them. I started work on my virtual vision board, made a list of all the things I wanted to do and see and experiences I wanted to have. It took a good week to finish but I made it my sole priority everyday to get a little bit of it done. It started to feel like the difference between getting better and sinking further into despair.
It was difficult at first to have a clear vision for what I wanted for my life. The travel part was easy, I love to travel and see the world. But what would fulfill me until then?
This is going to sound so completely cliche and SOOO 2006, but The Secret movie has always really inspired me. I know that most people think it's hocus pocus. But I have lived by the principles in the movie in the past and it was the happiest I had ever been. This dawned on me last week, and I remembered that it was available on Netflix. So I cued it up on my iPad and watched it in my kitchen while making dinner.
It all came rushing back to me...how the joy of life is in the gratitude for the things we do have, how the attitude of gratitude brings about more of what we love, how our thoughts are the glasses we wear to see the world around us. I was reminded of how when we have ideas we should go forward with trust and no fear--how you don't have to see the top of the staircase to take the first step--how with action, the universe will open doors where there were only walls--how we create our own heaven on earth.
I followed up The Secret with a documentary also available on Netflix called "Happy". This movie totally drove the point home that happiness is not in any material things, situations, people...happiness is a perspective. The movie opens with a family in a third world country. The father is being interviewed and talking about how great his life is and how happy he is. He says "We have a great house that shelters us from the rain, and a great community"...and they show his house and it is nothing but a shack with a tarp for a roof. But he was joyful because in that house was the family that he loves, and surrounding his house were neighbors who were a supportive community for his family.
Another interesting point in Happy is that happiness is that feeling you get when you are doing something you love, something you could do for hours and not notice the time has gone by. Whether it's rockclimbing, or hiking, or playing with your kids, we should find the activities that bring us that type of mindless joy and fill our lives with those moments. Tomorrow or even the next minute of our lives is not promised, so living in the present is the key to tranquility. For someone who suffers from severe anxiety, reminding myself of this has helped me SO. MUCH.
I finished up my virtual vision board and even made a physical one for my office, that sits right next to me. Here are the quotes I read everytime I look over:
-Happiness is a direction, not a destination.
-Thoughts become things.
-Tell the story of your amazing life, the law of attraction will make sure you receive it.
-It's really important to feel GOOD. The more you feel GOOD, the more GOOD things you will attract.
-Say THANK YOU for every GOOD THING.
-Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.
-The happiest people are those ho think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others.
I am beginning to try and look at life differently. I'm seeing my mental illness as a blessing instead of a curse. Yes I have horrible awful days, but without them I might not appreciate the good so much. Yes I have an overactive mind that is riddled with anxiety, but if I really focus, I can use that overactivity and channel it into being incredibly productive and creative.
Whenever I have one of those blissful moments, in my mind I say "Thank you". I recognize the moment and really feel the joy in it. In turn, everything around me is changing. The attitudes of the people I love are suddenly different. They were never the problem...it was always me. Realizing this and really wrapping my mind around it has been HUGE.
My creativity has been at an all-time high since I've been working on this little happiness project, and I have some pretty inspired ideas that I just need to make sure I follow through on. I am not expecting everyday to be roses and daisies, because this *is* chemistry in my brain, a physical illness that could take hold at any time. But even in those dark moments I will meditate on the fact that no matter what my body does, I am in control of my thoughts, and I can change them. I will aim to view the hard days as part of the process and a lesson in what is good in my life.
I have so much to look forward to and I have woken up the past couple of days so excited just to be alive and make my bliss. I feel like I have a clear picture of what the rest of my life should be. We're not meant to be so stressed out. Life is supposed to be relaxed and happy, everyday.
It's a work in progress, but progress it is.
Monday, October 29, 2012
"Don't Be So Hard On Yourself"
When your own mind is your greatest enemy...
When other people's big moments are overshadowed by your own flaws...
When no one around you can take it anymore...
When you realize for the first time that you don't know if it is going to get better instead of worse...
When your brain is so fired up that you can't sleep....
When nothing you are trying seems to be working...
When your biggest struggle during the day is to get your thoughts under control...
When you're sick of explaining and excusing your fuck ups...
When you're sick of your body failing...
When the thing you hear the most is "don't be so hard on yourself"...
When you feel weird and freakish around "normal" people because you just can't get it together...
When the ones you love say they miss the old you, the joyful happy version...
When out of nowhere chemicals in your brain decide to take over and slam you into the ground...
When you feel completely alone...
This is where I am today. This is my low. I'll move along, I'll get through. I'm tired of mental illness.
I'm just so fucking tired of it.
When other people's big moments are overshadowed by your own flaws...
When no one around you can take it anymore...
When you realize for the first time that you don't know if it is going to get better instead of worse...
When your brain is so fired up that you can't sleep....
When nothing you are trying seems to be working...
When your biggest struggle during the day is to get your thoughts under control...
When you're sick of explaining and excusing your fuck ups...
When you're sick of your body failing...
When the thing you hear the most is "don't be so hard on yourself"...
When you feel weird and freakish around "normal" people because you just can't get it together...
When the ones you love say they miss the old you, the joyful happy version...
When out of nowhere chemicals in your brain decide to take over and slam you into the ground...
When you feel completely alone...
This is where I am today. This is my low. I'll move along, I'll get through. I'm tired of mental illness.
I'm just so fucking tired of it.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
A Happy Anniversary
Monday was the one year anniversary of the day Mr. Wonderful and I said "I do". And I am so *relieved* to report that I was feeling so good, better than in months, that I was able to fully enjoy it and wrap myself up in the happy emotions of the day.
I've been on the anti-depressant medications for almost a month now. And while I'm just now getting to this point, I am so, so thankful that it is working. I feel happiness. I feel joy. I feel love.
There are side effects, the least favorable being the additional anxiety on top of my already highly anxious mind...but I will take a little teeth grinding in order to escape suicidal thoughts, self-harming, and laying on the shower floor wailing. All for no circumstantial reason...just that overwhelming feeling of doom and guilt and failure. I am so relieved to have that cloak lifted from over me that I could sing.
I'm 35 years old and have dealt with this on and off since I was a pre-teen, maybe younger. I don't think I fully understood this disease until this last horrible bout with it. I thought I was overly emotional, damaged from all I've been through, weak for wanting to just give up. I think this had to happen in the middle of the happiest year of my life thus far for me to fully realize how much of a physical disease this is.
My heart breaks for those who constantly struggle with this. I won't be taking myself off the medication this time around. It took me too long to wrap my head around not being able to control the depression with diet, exercise, and supplements. I'm so anti-medicine that I almost lost my own fight on principle. Stubborn as hell.
While I'm feeling the full range of emotions again, I am still pretty shellshocked after the trauma of it all. But a day at a time I am adding little things back in...in order of priority. One of these days I'll be back to my normal.
We spent our anniversary snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of wine we bought in Napa on our honeymoon, saved for a year just for the occasion. We listened to our wedding playlist, reminisced about the most perfect day ever, and how happy we are to be by each other's sides. I'm so lucky to have that man as my partner in life.
Finally, reading this post I found through a CNN article, written by comedian Rob Delaney, was a turning point for me in realizing how much of a monster I was actually just up against. His description of his episode is almost word for word what I just encountered. And as he says:
I've been on the anti-depressant medications for almost a month now. And while I'm just now getting to this point, I am so, so thankful that it is working. I feel happiness. I feel joy. I feel love.
There are side effects, the least favorable being the additional anxiety on top of my already highly anxious mind...but I will take a little teeth grinding in order to escape suicidal thoughts, self-harming, and laying on the shower floor wailing. All for no circumstantial reason...just that overwhelming feeling of doom and guilt and failure. I am so relieved to have that cloak lifted from over me that I could sing.
I'm 35 years old and have dealt with this on and off since I was a pre-teen, maybe younger. I don't think I fully understood this disease until this last horrible bout with it. I thought I was overly emotional, damaged from all I've been through, weak for wanting to just give up. I think this had to happen in the middle of the happiest year of my life thus far for me to fully realize how much of a physical disease this is.
My heart breaks for those who constantly struggle with this. I won't be taking myself off the medication this time around. It took me too long to wrap my head around not being able to control the depression with diet, exercise, and supplements. I'm so anti-medicine that I almost lost my own fight on principle. Stubborn as hell.
While I'm feeling the full range of emotions again, I am still pretty shellshocked after the trauma of it all. But a day at a time I am adding little things back in...in order of priority. One of these days I'll be back to my normal.
We spent our anniversary snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of wine we bought in Napa on our honeymoon, saved for a year just for the occasion. We listened to our wedding playlist, reminisced about the most perfect day ever, and how happy we are to be by each other's sides. I'm so lucky to have that man as my partner in life.
Finally, reading this post I found through a CNN article, written by comedian Rob Delaney, was a turning point for me in realizing how much of a monster I was actually just up against. His description of his episode is almost word for word what I just encountered. And as he says:
This episode drove home the knowledge that, like alchoholism, depression demands respect and attention. Whether it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing, I cannot pretend to know, but it exists and it can kill you dead.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Me
I feel like I can honestly say for the first time in almost 2 months that I am somewhat myself again.
It has not been easy, especially stepping back into my social life and working life. The thing about depression is that not everyone has been through it and so they don't really understand it. Maybe they've been sad before and depressed about their circumstances, but not as many have had their brain taken over by chemistry and hormones and just lost it for no real reason. And the thing about those people is that they tend to say and do the things that are super triggery. I'm in no way blaming them, it's just hard to know that you're going to face such a thing and then to actually do it. Guilt rules my world when I'm depressed, and when you've disappeared for 2 months, you're going to have to deal with the guilt of being gone. Such a difficult, slippery slope to navigate.
But so far for the most part, I've been able to do it and handle it. And I'm glad I have, because I missed my friends and laughing and just the lightness of day to day mundane life.
The plan for me was to take it slow back into reality. I came out of this "episode" right as my kids were heading back to school. I spent my days last week running the three of them to buy school supplies and clothes, haircuts, doctor and dentist visits, school meetings and events, etc...all that mom stuff. As busy as we were, it felt so good to be able to concentrate fully on them for the entire week, and it also opened my eyes to how pulled thin I feel the majority of the time. I'm trying to run two businesses and be a stay at home mom, and I just don't think it's working. I loved the feeling of being helpful to them, spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them, without worrying about all of the other things I should be doing. I gave myself permission to just let those things go for a period.
I knew last weekend that this coming week would be a difficult one for me, considering what I've just gone through, and because it was going to be hard no matter what. My youngest, my baby girl, the one I was 8 months pregnant with when I first discovered that my first husband was cheating...started Kindergarten on Monday. I don't think either of us were ready. It snuck up on me, I guess like it did with the first two.
I've been dreading Kindergarten since her first day of Pre-K last year. Even with her in preschool, I've had her home two full days a week, and I saw her every morning and dropped her off at school, even when she spent the night with her dad. Now he drops her off at Elementary along with her big sister on his mornings, and I don't see her for almost a full 24 hours. And I struggle with my depressive thoughts of "Why did I have to get divorced and split my time with them?" "Why did I agree to this custody arrangement?" It's so hard not to get caught in that thought cycle. I feel like a bad mom even though I KNOW it was not my fault. And dammit, I just miss my kids.
Next week I plan to tackle my work again. All extra-curricular stuff is on hold until I find my footing again.
While the medication does seem to be helping, it's not perfect, and I have moments that still slip through. I'm sure that will be an ongoing thing that I will have to learn to deal with, and as long as it doesn't overwhelm me and suck me down the black hole that I was in the last 2 months, I should be ok.
My wonderful husband is getting me away this weekend, one last distraction while the kids are with their dad so I'm not sitting around being sad about it. My ex has decided lately to wage another war against me, luckily I've been able to laugh most of it off. I actually feel sorry for him, he seems to be stuck in a place of anger and hatred, all aimed at me. I'm removed enough to see it for what it is and as long as he's not threatening my time with them, it's all just sad.
It has not been easy, especially stepping back into my social life and working life. The thing about depression is that not everyone has been through it and so they don't really understand it. Maybe they've been sad before and depressed about their circumstances, but not as many have had their brain taken over by chemistry and hormones and just lost it for no real reason. And the thing about those people is that they tend to say and do the things that are super triggery. I'm in no way blaming them, it's just hard to know that you're going to face such a thing and then to actually do it. Guilt rules my world when I'm depressed, and when you've disappeared for 2 months, you're going to have to deal with the guilt of being gone. Such a difficult, slippery slope to navigate.
But so far for the most part, I've been able to do it and handle it. And I'm glad I have, because I missed my friends and laughing and just the lightness of day to day mundane life.
The plan for me was to take it slow back into reality. I came out of this "episode" right as my kids were heading back to school. I spent my days last week running the three of them to buy school supplies and clothes, haircuts, doctor and dentist visits, school meetings and events, etc...all that mom stuff. As busy as we were, it felt so good to be able to concentrate fully on them for the entire week, and it also opened my eyes to how pulled thin I feel the majority of the time. I'm trying to run two businesses and be a stay at home mom, and I just don't think it's working. I loved the feeling of being helpful to them, spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them, without worrying about all of the other things I should be doing. I gave myself permission to just let those things go for a period.
I knew last weekend that this coming week would be a difficult one for me, considering what I've just gone through, and because it was going to be hard no matter what. My youngest, my baby girl, the one I was 8 months pregnant with when I first discovered that my first husband was cheating...started Kindergarten on Monday. I don't think either of us were ready. It snuck up on me, I guess like it did with the first two.
I've been dreading Kindergarten since her first day of Pre-K last year. Even with her in preschool, I've had her home two full days a week, and I saw her every morning and dropped her off at school, even when she spent the night with her dad. Now he drops her off at Elementary along with her big sister on his mornings, and I don't see her for almost a full 24 hours. And I struggle with my depressive thoughts of "Why did I have to get divorced and split my time with them?" "Why did I agree to this custody arrangement?" It's so hard not to get caught in that thought cycle. I feel like a bad mom even though I KNOW it was not my fault. And dammit, I just miss my kids.
Next week I plan to tackle my work again. All extra-curricular stuff is on hold until I find my footing again.
While the medication does seem to be helping, it's not perfect, and I have moments that still slip through. I'm sure that will be an ongoing thing that I will have to learn to deal with, and as long as it doesn't overwhelm me and suck me down the black hole that I was in the last 2 months, I should be ok.
My wonderful husband is getting me away this weekend, one last distraction while the kids are with their dad so I'm not sitting around being sad about it. My ex has decided lately to wage another war against me, luckily I've been able to laugh most of it off. I actually feel sorry for him, he seems to be stuck in a place of anger and hatred, all aimed at me. I'm removed enough to see it for what it is and as long as he's not threatening my time with them, it's all just sad.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Emerging
I'm slowly emerging back to life.
I remember very little detail of the past few weeks. I don't know if it's because I had to medicate myself so heavily just to be able to deal with the pain, or if I was just that detached or in my own head. I have pictures in my phone I don't remember taking. I have texts I don't remember sending. If I didn't have what I wrote here I would remember very little of how it felt. I don't know if that is my brain's way of protecting me or what, but it feels bizarre.
The anxiety effects of the anti-depressant seem to be getting better, although my jaw feels almost bruised from grinding my teeth. I'm starting to sleep again. My husband said he was glad to see my smile back this weekend. I have spent a lot of time with him and my puppy, alone. Luckily it was my kids' weekend at their dad's, and it was nice just to have the pressure off of being *needed* for a few days.
I admit that I'm still completely isolated, and feel awkward trying to come back from that. I don't want anyone to ask me where I've been and have to explain. I am so sensitive right now to anyone needing anything from me that I'm terrified to even reach back out. I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to be triggered back into the oblivion and guilt of the past few weeks. I need to get stronger and back to who I was. I need the medicine to take full effect. I need so many things right now so that I can have my life back.
But the steps are being taken, albeit small ones. I'm eating. I'm exercising. My kids are home and I'm tending to them. I left the house this weekend. I worked a little bit Friday. I had dinner with my best friend and our husbands that night, and could smile and even laugh.
I don't have much to say. There's a lot of empty space right now where the pain resided before. I'm sure that it will fill back up with the happy hum in the weeks and months to come, and just being able to say that says that I'm a million times better than I was before.
To my friends and those who left encouraging comments, thank you and I love you. To those suffering, hang in there. It does pass. Reach out if you have to. I'm scared to think of where I'd be right now without having done so.
I remember very little detail of the past few weeks. I don't know if it's because I had to medicate myself so heavily just to be able to deal with the pain, or if I was just that detached or in my own head. I have pictures in my phone I don't remember taking. I have texts I don't remember sending. If I didn't have what I wrote here I would remember very little of how it felt. I don't know if that is my brain's way of protecting me or what, but it feels bizarre.
The anxiety effects of the anti-depressant seem to be getting better, although my jaw feels almost bruised from grinding my teeth. I'm starting to sleep again. My husband said he was glad to see my smile back this weekend. I have spent a lot of time with him and my puppy, alone. Luckily it was my kids' weekend at their dad's, and it was nice just to have the pressure off of being *needed* for a few days.
I admit that I'm still completely isolated, and feel awkward trying to come back from that. I don't want anyone to ask me where I've been and have to explain. I am so sensitive right now to anyone needing anything from me that I'm terrified to even reach back out. I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to be triggered back into the oblivion and guilt of the past few weeks. I need to get stronger and back to who I was. I need the medicine to take full effect. I need so many things right now so that I can have my life back.
But the steps are being taken, albeit small ones. I'm eating. I'm exercising. My kids are home and I'm tending to them. I left the house this weekend. I worked a little bit Friday. I had dinner with my best friend and our husbands that night, and could smile and even laugh.
I don't have much to say. There's a lot of empty space right now where the pain resided before. I'm sure that it will fill back up with the happy hum in the weeks and months to come, and just being able to say that says that I'm a million times better than I was before.
To my friends and those who left encouraging comments, thank you and I love you. To those suffering, hang in there. It does pass. Reach out if you have to. I'm scared to think of where I'd be right now without having done so.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Less Than Human
Stop the world, I wanna get off.
Sometimes, in my deepest and darkest moments, I wonder if depression is truly just a chemical imbalance, or if we as humans or maybe just Americans have made life so ridiculously difficult for ourselves that our brain chemistry cannot keep up and forces us to just stop.
I literally cannot make myself do....anything. The exercise is starting to go, too, which is just unheard of for me. I can't make myself eat. I have work piled up around me for miles. I have a new business I was getting off the ground that was doing really well that I've just....let fall apart. I can't face it. I cannot accurately describe the terror in my chest when I think of all the responsibilities that I face that I cannot make myself tackle. It's too much. Soccer forms and signups and school supplies and emergency paperwork and laundry and dishes and cooking and planning and keeping myself in shape and keeping my kids healthy and is my son depressed, too? and is my marriage starting to suffer? and there is too much crap in my house and so much work to do on my business that pays my bills and so much studying to do on the business I want to transition to so I'm happier and friends who are also suffering who probably need me right now and my ex husband wants to know if I'll start alternating holidays with him which I've NEVER done? and I'm letting my husband down by not getting my work done and making money and putting more pressure on him to pay our bills and this is definitely starting to wear on him too as well as everyone else in my life and there's ANOTHER soccer email coming in saying we need to fill out more forms and I haven't registered my baby for kindergarten yet even though it starts in a few weeks and they all need haircuts and backpacks and clothes....
and all I can do is try. I really, really try. I have every intention, every morning, of getting out of bed and just getting it done but my body seems to weigh a trillion tons right now, and making any contact with any person causes my chest to squeeze. I just want to stop feeling sad and anxious and worthless and I don't want one more person to ask one more thing of me.
I don't understand what has happened to me. I don't recognize myself. I was motivated and driven and happy. I'm just broken now. I'm less than human trying to become human again.
My husband took me to a doctor Monday and I shakily admitted to her that I have every single scary symptom of deep depression. I am a very proud person, and to sit there across from a stranger and my husband and admit that I am no longer in control of myself, and my thoughts, was humbling to say the least.
They started me on new medications which, as you can probably tell by the tone of this writing, are currently making me highly anxious. I hate feeling like a lab rat. I hate taking medication. I hate all of this. I need to accept it, I know.
I've also contacted a psychiatric program recommended by a good friend. I'm trying. I want to ask the world to forgive me but the world won't stop long enough to let me.
Sometimes, in my deepest and darkest moments, I wonder if depression is truly just a chemical imbalance, or if we as humans or maybe just Americans have made life so ridiculously difficult for ourselves that our brain chemistry cannot keep up and forces us to just stop.
I literally cannot make myself do....anything. The exercise is starting to go, too, which is just unheard of for me. I can't make myself eat. I have work piled up around me for miles. I have a new business I was getting off the ground that was doing really well that I've just....let fall apart. I can't face it. I cannot accurately describe the terror in my chest when I think of all the responsibilities that I face that I cannot make myself tackle. It's too much. Soccer forms and signups and school supplies and emergency paperwork and laundry and dishes and cooking and planning and keeping myself in shape and keeping my kids healthy and is my son depressed, too? and is my marriage starting to suffer? and there is too much crap in my house and so much work to do on my business that pays my bills and so much studying to do on the business I want to transition to so I'm happier and friends who are also suffering who probably need me right now and my ex husband wants to know if I'll start alternating holidays with him which I've NEVER done? and I'm letting my husband down by not getting my work done and making money and putting more pressure on him to pay our bills and this is definitely starting to wear on him too as well as everyone else in my life and there's ANOTHER soccer email coming in saying we need to fill out more forms and I haven't registered my baby for kindergarten yet even though it starts in a few weeks and they all need haircuts and backpacks and clothes....
and all I can do is try. I really, really try. I have every intention, every morning, of getting out of bed and just getting it done but my body seems to weigh a trillion tons right now, and making any contact with any person causes my chest to squeeze. I just want to stop feeling sad and anxious and worthless and I don't want one more person to ask one more thing of me.
I don't understand what has happened to me. I don't recognize myself. I was motivated and driven and happy. I'm just broken now. I'm less than human trying to become human again.
My husband took me to a doctor Monday and I shakily admitted to her that I have every single scary symptom of deep depression. I am a very proud person, and to sit there across from a stranger and my husband and admit that I am no longer in control of myself, and my thoughts, was humbling to say the least.
They started me on new medications which, as you can probably tell by the tone of this writing, are currently making me highly anxious. I hate feeling like a lab rat. I hate taking medication. I hate all of this. I need to accept it, I know.
I've also contacted a psychiatric program recommended by a good friend. I'm trying. I want to ask the world to forgive me but the world won't stop long enough to let me.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
And it rages on.
I've been researching various treatments both holistic and medicinal. I have been able to keep up my exercise routine. I took a break from exercise, too. I adjusted my calorie intake when I discovered that my lack of appetite had translated into me eating half as many calories per day as I should. I've tried listing out the things that I am grateful for, I've made every attempt to participate in the activities that give me joy. My wonderful husband made an all out effort this weekend by taking me for a massage, to my favorite restaurant, out for coffee. I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for him.
The only time I feel any relief is for the 45 minutes that I am working out and am forced to think about what to do with my body instead of the racing thoughts, and for some reason, during hot showers.
Even sleep brings no relief as my nightmares and dreams have been just as cruel as my waking thoughts.
One thing I don't know that people understand about depression is how very physical it feels. Everything buzzes. My vision feels skewed and like I'm looking through thick plastic lenses. My arms and legs weigh a thousand pounds, and I have a cramping in my gut that has no origin but makes me want to cry.
Some days, it's anger and numbness that are the primary emotions. Other days, I just feel so raw that I could cry at just about anything.
If you've ever been depressed then maybe you will sympathize with the long journeys that your thoughts take, the deep wells they descend, the epiphanies about life that you think you have, that are never good. There are so many thoughts that hit me all at once in a millisecond.
When I had to make a list to remind myself of the things that I had to live for, when I found myself angry for having people in my life who would be hurt if I disappeared forever, somewhere deep inside my sanity spoke up. I thought about driving myself to the ER, but decided to just try and make it through the night, and here I am writing this.
I told my husband that I couldn't take the pain anymore. He is taking me to the doctor. I wrestled with feeling like he is just as sick of me as I am of myself, but the sane part of me texted that to my best friend and she gave me the right words, as she always does. He does love me. It's hard to even type that because I don't believe anyone loves me right now. But he does.
Not to be dramatic emo girl, but the song below is sometimes the only thing that gets me through. This, to me, is the musical translation of what I've been feeling the past month or more...not just the lyrics, but the entire sound.
Say I'm okay
I'm bleeding fire
Eating nightmares
So tell me how to do away with love
I'm a maze
Can we say goodnight now?
Take this world away
And strangle it with wires for a lifetime
Make a pretty face and say I'm fine
I'm okay
Only in the nighttime
Take this world away
Strangle it with wires for a lifetime
Make a pretty face and say I'm fine
I'm okay
Only in the nighttime
Love was the only thing I ever needed, I ever needed
Love was the only thing I ever needed
Love was the only thing I ever needed, I ever needed
I'm bleeding fire
Eating nightmares
So tell me how to do away with love
I'm a maze
Can we say goodnight now?
Take this world away
And strangle it with wires for a lifetime
Make a pretty face and say I'm fine
I'm okay
Only in the nighttime
Take this world away
Strangle it with wires for a lifetime
Make a pretty face and say I'm fine
I'm okay
Only in the nighttime
Love was the only thing I ever needed, I ever needed
Love was the only thing I ever needed
Love was the only thing I ever needed, I ever needed
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Rants of a Lunatic
I'm a cliche.
That's what I'm thinking right now. As I sit here in what must be the seventh or eighth day in my latest bout with depression.
The bouts that seem to be coming more and more often as I grow older. Or does it just feel that way.
It's humiliating to type. I hate. HATE. feeling out of control. I hate admitting my weaknesses.
I'm hoping that just writing it down this time will turn it around, and like so many times before, tomorrow I'll wake up and feel like my normal self. Stable and in control. Emotions in check with reality.
But right now, I'm coming out of a day of raw emotion and pain and into a day of mind numbing fog and isolation.
Frustrated beyond belief that I thought this was under control once with diet and exercise, and yet it reared it's ugly head. Frustrated again because after an extremely humiliating and weepy visit to my local clinic that up until now, only my husband and best friend knew about, I thought the medication they gave me was working.
Yet for the last week, I've felt less and less like talking. Or working. Or mothering. Or cleaning up. Or bothering to get dressed. And yesterday, emotion so raw and painful that it physically hurt. Every second was a battle to get through. Today is a fog of numbness, I imagine the brain's way of compensating for the rawness of yesterday.
"What is it? What are you thinking about that upsets you like this?" my husband asks helplessly. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain depression to someone who has never really had it...there's nothing wrong, but EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
The racing thoughts. The problems that felt normal yesterday that feel completely insurmountable today. The overall feeling of doom and self-loathing. The endless spiral of "I am so fucked up" that makes you feel even more fucked up that makes you feel even more fucked up. The desperate mental searching for an end to the pain, anything to alleviate it, even a little.
And today I felt like crawling under the covers and telling everyone to fuck off. I hate myself like this. I hate me today. Somewhere on some level, the normal me is watching and is horrified at this version of herself. She feels sorry for everyone in her life. She is disgusted at herself for not being able to cook, work, and mother her children. Round and round and round we go.
But this is all I have today. I left my house today, and it took everything in my being to do it. Being self-employed is the greatest blessing and curse when you suffer from depression. I can hide if I need to, but really, I shouldn't be hiding. Every step I force myself to make is one step back to normalcy.
I'm trying to think of this as illness so I'm not so hard on myself and can deal accordingly. Then the guilt of all the illnesses I ALREADY BATTLE besides depression...the Meniere's, the anxiety, the autoimmune disorders...and the "I am so fucked up" starts again.
I feel guilt hitting the publish button on this post. I feel that everyone wants to hear about the happy hum and I should leave it at that. I'm a story somewhere in la la land that will cheer them up, and here I come along and fuck that up too with my negativity. SEE HOW THIS WORKS.
And then I choose not to hit publish for the 80th time since I've begun this blog. Except this time. Because I'm tired of isolation. I'm just. so. tired.
Please just let me wake up *me* tomorrow.
That's what I'm thinking right now. As I sit here in what must be the seventh or eighth day in my latest bout with depression.
The bouts that seem to be coming more and more often as I grow older. Or does it just feel that way.
It's humiliating to type. I hate. HATE. feeling out of control. I hate admitting my weaknesses.
I'm hoping that just writing it down this time will turn it around, and like so many times before, tomorrow I'll wake up and feel like my normal self. Stable and in control. Emotions in check with reality.
But right now, I'm coming out of a day of raw emotion and pain and into a day of mind numbing fog and isolation.
Frustrated beyond belief that I thought this was under control once with diet and exercise, and yet it reared it's ugly head. Frustrated again because after an extremely humiliating and weepy visit to my local clinic that up until now, only my husband and best friend knew about, I thought the medication they gave me was working.
Yet for the last week, I've felt less and less like talking. Or working. Or mothering. Or cleaning up. Or bothering to get dressed. And yesterday, emotion so raw and painful that it physically hurt. Every second was a battle to get through. Today is a fog of numbness, I imagine the brain's way of compensating for the rawness of yesterday.
"What is it? What are you thinking about that upsets you like this?" my husband asks helplessly. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain depression to someone who has never really had it...there's nothing wrong, but EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
The racing thoughts. The problems that felt normal yesterday that feel completely insurmountable today. The overall feeling of doom and self-loathing. The endless spiral of "I am so fucked up" that makes you feel even more fucked up that makes you feel even more fucked up. The desperate mental searching for an end to the pain, anything to alleviate it, even a little.
And today I felt like crawling under the covers and telling everyone to fuck off. I hate myself like this. I hate me today. Somewhere on some level, the normal me is watching and is horrified at this version of herself. She feels sorry for everyone in her life. She is disgusted at herself for not being able to cook, work, and mother her children. Round and round and round we go.
But this is all I have today. I left my house today, and it took everything in my being to do it. Being self-employed is the greatest blessing and curse when you suffer from depression. I can hide if I need to, but really, I shouldn't be hiding. Every step I force myself to make is one step back to normalcy.
I'm trying to think of this as illness so I'm not so hard on myself and can deal accordingly. Then the guilt of all the illnesses I ALREADY BATTLE besides depression...the Meniere's, the anxiety, the autoimmune disorders...and the "I am so fucked up" starts again.
I feel guilt hitting the publish button on this post. I feel that everyone wants to hear about the happy hum and I should leave it at that. I'm a story somewhere in la la land that will cheer them up, and here I come along and fuck that up too with my negativity. SEE HOW THIS WORKS.
And then I choose not to hit publish for the 80th time since I've begun this blog. Except this time. Because I'm tired of isolation. I'm just. so. tired.
Please just let me wake up *me* tomorrow.
Friday, July 13, 2012
The Happy Hum
I don't have long to write because life has taken me on so many new and exciting journeys in the last several months, I don't have a whole lot of time to self-indulge and write about it.
But the weather has changed and like it does every season, this change makes me nostalgic. Recently, I began musing to my husband "remember when we..." and he finally looked at me and said, "why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?"
And then it dawned on me that it was summer, and really just beginning to FEEL like summer. And summer is when my life changed forever, 3 years ago. July 18th to be exact.
That is the night that I walked into a small music venue with my bestie, having just declared myself Done With Men and Single Forever. It was that night that his friend hit on us and asked us to join his group of friends. That night that I scanned the faces that I now know as his buddies, and found myself drawn to the shy one sitting furthest away. That's the night that he asked me who I lived with, expecting my answer to be "roommate" or maybe even "boyfriend", and I held my breath, answered "my three kids", and waited for the hasty retreat that I was used to (or maybe the even dumber response I had from one moron who actually lifted my shirt up to see my belly).
That is the night that we talked until our voices ached, exchanged numbers, and he vowed to take me out for the short time he was in the country. The night I went to get breakfast food with my bestie afterwards, looked at her with my head in my hands and said "Amy, he's 27 and drives a Corvette WHAT THE FUCK am I thinking?" as he sent me a text while driving away, telling me goodnight.
And now, life is life. There is no big excitement, no staying up all night talking, just what I like to describe as the Happy Hum. Maybe I don't get butterflies in my stomach everytime I look at him, because most of that time we're either solving problems, discussing the kids, cleaning up dog poop, etc. Ordinary life. But every single day, I thank the universe that he is my husband, my partner, my absolute soul mate, and that I found him. My needs are all met, and if they aren't, I can bring that to his attention and he ACTUALLY ADDRESSES IT. Things are exactly the way that they are supposed to be. This is what marriage SHOULD feel like. I feel equal, I feel heard, I feel loved and cherished and supported and valued.
Then there are the evenings that we are discussing plans for the future, our goals and hopes and dreams, which we do quite often. We look into each others eyes with the knowledge of what we have and how lucky we are to have it. And it hits me how much we are actually on the same page and I do get chills and butterflies all over again.
Nostalgia is my way of respecting what brought us here to the present, which is where I am the happiest. I love to think of those nights, picturing him attempting to memorize my kids' names, but watching it in my mind with the knowledge that those names are now his children too. It blows my mind.
As the summer goes on and starts to change to fall, I'm sure the wave of nostalgia from just a year ago will begin to hit me as well. September 10 will be our 1 year wedding anniversary. I think of us sitting in a dark movie theater in September 2010, looking at my iphone, and choosing the date 9-10-11 based on visitation schedules and birthdays, and it makes me giggle.
I don't want to say that my life began 3 years ago, because everything that happened up until that point brought me to exactly where I needed to be to have my Mr. Wonderful. I'm so grateful to now be living in the Happy Hum that I never knew existed. It has wiped away all of my fears and anxieties that I brought into this marriage.
Equally I see my kids enjoying the Happy Hum as well, and I can't help but wonder what would have become of them if they never got to experience it. What happened 3 years ago, July 18th, was just as important to their futures as it was to mine...if not more important. They not only adore their stepdad, but they bask in the stability of our relationship, and our happiness. They share in it just as a family should.
And with that, back to the Happy Hum.
But the weather has changed and like it does every season, this change makes me nostalgic. Recently, I began musing to my husband "remember when we..." and he finally looked at me and said, "why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?"
And then it dawned on me that it was summer, and really just beginning to FEEL like summer. And summer is when my life changed forever, 3 years ago. July 18th to be exact.
That is the night that I walked into a small music venue with my bestie, having just declared myself Done With Men and Single Forever. It was that night that his friend hit on us and asked us to join his group of friends. That night that I scanned the faces that I now know as his buddies, and found myself drawn to the shy one sitting furthest away. That's the night that he asked me who I lived with, expecting my answer to be "roommate" or maybe even "boyfriend", and I held my breath, answered "my three kids", and waited for the hasty retreat that I was used to (or maybe the even dumber response I had from one moron who actually lifted my shirt up to see my belly).
That is the night that we talked until our voices ached, exchanged numbers, and he vowed to take me out for the short time he was in the country. The night I went to get breakfast food with my bestie afterwards, looked at her with my head in my hands and said "Amy, he's 27 and drives a Corvette WHAT THE FUCK am I thinking?" as he sent me a text while driving away, telling me goodnight.
And now, life is life. There is no big excitement, no staying up all night talking, just what I like to describe as the Happy Hum. Maybe I don't get butterflies in my stomach everytime I look at him, because most of that time we're either solving problems, discussing the kids, cleaning up dog poop, etc. Ordinary life. But every single day, I thank the universe that he is my husband, my partner, my absolute soul mate, and that I found him. My needs are all met, and if they aren't, I can bring that to his attention and he ACTUALLY ADDRESSES IT. Things are exactly the way that they are supposed to be. This is what marriage SHOULD feel like. I feel equal, I feel heard, I feel loved and cherished and supported and valued.
Then there are the evenings that we are discussing plans for the future, our goals and hopes and dreams, which we do quite often. We look into each others eyes with the knowledge of what we have and how lucky we are to have it. And it hits me how much we are actually on the same page and I do get chills and butterflies all over again.
Nostalgia is my way of respecting what brought us here to the present, which is where I am the happiest. I love to think of those nights, picturing him attempting to memorize my kids' names, but watching it in my mind with the knowledge that those names are now his children too. It blows my mind.
As the summer goes on and starts to change to fall, I'm sure the wave of nostalgia from just a year ago will begin to hit me as well. September 10 will be our 1 year wedding anniversary. I think of us sitting in a dark movie theater in September 2010, looking at my iphone, and choosing the date 9-10-11 based on visitation schedules and birthdays, and it makes me giggle.
I don't want to say that my life began 3 years ago, because everything that happened up until that point brought me to exactly where I needed to be to have my Mr. Wonderful. I'm so grateful to now be living in the Happy Hum that I never knew existed. It has wiped away all of my fears and anxieties that I brought into this marriage.
Equally I see my kids enjoying the Happy Hum as well, and I can't help but wonder what would have become of them if they never got to experience it. What happened 3 years ago, July 18th, was just as important to their futures as it was to mine...if not more important. They not only adore their stepdad, but they bask in the stability of our relationship, and our happiness. They share in it just as a family should.
And with that, back to the Happy Hum.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
For Tracey
Many people who read this blog found me through one of my best friends, but most likely it was Tracey's blog that brought you here.
So most of you know Tracey's story, and I don't really want to re-hash it, because we don't really like to re-live it.
If you don't know, I can tell you that a little over two years ago, I was holding Tracey in my arms at a 5K event as she fell apart. I had just become engaged two weeks prior and was at the happiest point in my life yet. I looked at Tracey huddled up in my arms, pale as a ghost, a completely raw and open wound of a human being after finding out that the two closest people in her life had betrayed her, that her reality for the past year or more had not been reality at all. I held her as she sobbed and I was so. fucking. scared. How do you get past that? How do I console her and reassure her that it would all be ok, because to be honest, I wasn't sure that it would be?
When my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor, we had lots of people come to us and say "I know so and so who survived a brain tumor, this way...". It gave us hope, it gave us a direction to look.
But when this happened to Tracey, everyone around her was basically like me, mouth agape, this just doesn't happen. I don't know the course to recovery because I don't know of anyone to go through this.
I did the best I could and told her that it *would* all be ok. I didn't go through anything like her situation, but at the time it was the worst thing I could think of and I did survive...not only survive but my life was so much better off now. I clung to that and that was my mantra to her over the next two years.
There was a man by her side at that time who supported Tracey and stood by her, even through the darkest times of anyone's life. When I first met him (and this is his FAVORITE story about me), I waved my finger in his face and told him to back off, let her heal, leave her alone. I underestimated them both.
M was exactly what Tracey needed. Had M backed off, I truly believe that Tracey never would have been able to trust another man again for the rest of her life. Her story was different from mine. She was able to heal and grow and learn and thrive again, but she also needed proof that there was still good in life...that there are men that can be trusted and value morals and honesty as much as she does. She needed M to heal; his unwavering devotion, his unwillingness to let go of what they have - he was living proof that not all human beings were capable of such hurtful actions.
Tracey and I like to use the hashtag #twinlives when we are texting about our situations. Like me, she is marrying a man with no biological children of his own, an independent bachelor who likes his space and alone time yet for some crazy reason is dead set on joining this nutty, chaotic life of three kids and a busy work schedule no matter how hard we tried to push them away. We had the same transitions, I usually about a year ahead of her. How many times have we sent texts to each other "HOW DID YOU HANDLE THIS"! I call her my Yoda, because even though I am already married, she has got this shit down. She knows how to focus on the good, process and release the bad, "bubble" herself and her family.
8 months ago on my own wedding day, I cried alone because I missed my friends so much. Tracey had written to me that she didn't think she could be any happier for me even if it were herself getting married. This week as we prepare for her wedding, I feel the exact same way.
Not many know what it is like to pick yourself up and rise from the rubble of a disaster with three young children by your side, looking to you for guidance when all you really want to do is lay down and give in to the pain. Then to have the courage to take the step forward, not having any idea where you are going, knowing that the three little faces at your side need for this to be the right direction. Then to one day, after much time has gone by, look up and realize that you somehow managed to not only find your way out, but you've made it to paradise. The way it should be, the way it was supposed to be but never was. To realize that there is now another hand holding onto the little ones, and they are beaming up at him with the same respect and trust they have for you. That you both know exactly where you are now headed, together.
If my wedding day wasn't the perfect metaphor for that feeling, I don't know what else could be. I was a witness to Tracey's own devastation, I watched her fall and get back up again with her babies in tow. I watched her analyze every situation with her children's best interest as her only factor of reasoning, their happiness the only factor of moving forward. And here they will all stand together this Saturday, together, happy, but just one step in the journey of the rest of their lives together. And I am so honored to be there to see the resolution, the happy "beginning".
I'm terrible with words, I am. There are really no words I could think of to describe the feeling and fulfillment of watching someone you love secure their own happiness after not knowing how they would get through, and also knowing firsthand how that feels. But I know that no words are needed, she is my best friend and she knows I know.
*Cheers*, to Tracey and M.
So most of you know Tracey's story, and I don't really want to re-hash it, because we don't really like to re-live it.
If you don't know, I can tell you that a little over two years ago, I was holding Tracey in my arms at a 5K event as she fell apart. I had just become engaged two weeks prior and was at the happiest point in my life yet. I looked at Tracey huddled up in my arms, pale as a ghost, a completely raw and open wound of a human being after finding out that the two closest people in her life had betrayed her, that her reality for the past year or more had not been reality at all. I held her as she sobbed and I was so. fucking. scared. How do you get past that? How do I console her and reassure her that it would all be ok, because to be honest, I wasn't sure that it would be?
When my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor, we had lots of people come to us and say "I know so and so who survived a brain tumor, this way...". It gave us hope, it gave us a direction to look.
But when this happened to Tracey, everyone around her was basically like me, mouth agape, this just doesn't happen. I don't know the course to recovery because I don't know of anyone to go through this.
I did the best I could and told her that it *would* all be ok. I didn't go through anything like her situation, but at the time it was the worst thing I could think of and I did survive...not only survive but my life was so much better off now. I clung to that and that was my mantra to her over the next two years.
There was a man by her side at that time who supported Tracey and stood by her, even through the darkest times of anyone's life. When I first met him (and this is his FAVORITE story about me), I waved my finger in his face and told him to back off, let her heal, leave her alone. I underestimated them both.
M was exactly what Tracey needed. Had M backed off, I truly believe that Tracey never would have been able to trust another man again for the rest of her life. Her story was different from mine. She was able to heal and grow and learn and thrive again, but she also needed proof that there was still good in life...that there are men that can be trusted and value morals and honesty as much as she does. She needed M to heal; his unwavering devotion, his unwillingness to let go of what they have - he was living proof that not all human beings were capable of such hurtful actions.
Tracey and I like to use the hashtag #twinlives when we are texting about our situations. Like me, she is marrying a man with no biological children of his own, an independent bachelor who likes his space and alone time yet for some crazy reason is dead set on joining this nutty, chaotic life of three kids and a busy work schedule no matter how hard we tried to push them away. We had the same transitions, I usually about a year ahead of her. How many times have we sent texts to each other "HOW DID YOU HANDLE THIS"! I call her my Yoda, because even though I am already married, she has got this shit down. She knows how to focus on the good, process and release the bad, "bubble" herself and her family.
8 months ago on my own wedding day, I cried alone because I missed my friends so much. Tracey had written to me that she didn't think she could be any happier for me even if it were herself getting married. This week as we prepare for her wedding, I feel the exact same way.
Not many know what it is like to pick yourself up and rise from the rubble of a disaster with three young children by your side, looking to you for guidance when all you really want to do is lay down and give in to the pain. Then to have the courage to take the step forward, not having any idea where you are going, knowing that the three little faces at your side need for this to be the right direction. Then to one day, after much time has gone by, look up and realize that you somehow managed to not only find your way out, but you've made it to paradise. The way it should be, the way it was supposed to be but never was. To realize that there is now another hand holding onto the little ones, and they are beaming up at him with the same respect and trust they have for you. That you both know exactly where you are now headed, together.
If my wedding day wasn't the perfect metaphor for that feeling, I don't know what else could be. I was a witness to Tracey's own devastation, I watched her fall and get back up again with her babies in tow. I watched her analyze every situation with her children's best interest as her only factor of reasoning, their happiness the only factor of moving forward. And here they will all stand together this Saturday, together, happy, but just one step in the journey of the rest of their lives together. And I am so honored to be there to see the resolution, the happy "beginning".
I'm terrible with words, I am. There are really no words I could think of to describe the feeling and fulfillment of watching someone you love secure their own happiness after not knowing how they would get through, and also knowing firsthand how that feels. But I know that no words are needed, she is my best friend and she knows I know.
*Cheers*, to Tracey and M.
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