Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Rants of a Lunatic

I'm a cliche.

That's what I'm thinking right now. As I sit here in what must be the seventh or eighth day in my latest bout with depression.

The bouts that seem to be coming more and more often as I grow older. Or does it just feel that way.

It's humiliating to type. I hate. HATE. feeling out of control. I hate admitting my weaknesses.

I'm hoping that just writing it down this time will turn it around, and like so many times before, tomorrow I'll wake up and feel like my normal self. Stable and in control. Emotions in check with reality.

But right now, I'm coming out of a day of raw emotion and pain and into a day of mind numbing fog and isolation.

Frustrated beyond belief that I thought this was under control once with diet and exercise, and yet it reared it's ugly head. Frustrated again because after an extremely humiliating and weepy visit to my local clinic that up until now, only my husband and best friend knew about, I thought the medication they gave me was working.

Yet for the last week, I've felt less and less like talking. Or working. Or mothering. Or cleaning up. Or bothering to get dressed. And yesterday, emotion so raw and painful that it physically hurt. Every second was a battle to get through. Today is a fog of numbness, I imagine the brain's way of compensating for the rawness of yesterday.

"What is it? What are you thinking about that upsets you like this?" my husband asks helplessly. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain depression to someone who has never really had it...there's nothing wrong, but EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

The racing thoughts. The problems that felt normal yesterday that feel completely insurmountable today. The overall feeling of doom and self-loathing. The endless spiral of "I am so fucked up" that makes you feel even more fucked up that makes you feel even more fucked up. The desperate mental searching for an end to the pain, anything to alleviate it, even a little.

And today I felt like crawling under the covers and telling everyone to fuck off. I hate myself like this. I hate me today. Somewhere on some level, the normal me is watching and is horrified at this version of herself. She feels sorry for everyone in her life. She is disgusted at herself for not being able to cook, work, and mother her children. Round and round and round we go.

But this is all I have today. I left my house today, and it took everything in my being to do it. Being self-employed is the greatest blessing and curse when you suffer from depression. I can hide if I need to, but really, I shouldn't be hiding. Every step I force myself to make is one step back to normalcy.

I'm trying to think of this as illness so I'm not so hard on myself and can deal accordingly. Then the guilt of all the illnesses I ALREADY BATTLE besides depression...the Meniere's, the anxiety, the autoimmune disorders...and the "I am so fucked up" starts again.

I feel guilt hitting the publish button on this post. I feel that everyone wants to hear about the happy hum and I should leave it at that. I'm a story somewhere in la la land that will cheer them up, and here I come along and fuck that up too with my negativity. SEE HOW THIS WORKS.

And then I choose not to hit publish for the 80th time since I've begun this blog. Except this time. Because I'm tired of isolation. I'm just. so. tired.

Please just let me wake up *me* tomorrow.


  1. I can relate and hate that I can relate! I am also self employed and I think you are so right when you say it is a blessing and a curse. Just keep fighting. Take the meds, change the meds. Do ANYTHING you need to do to get through this.

  2. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You have no idea how much I relate to what you type this morning. I am struggling with the same thing. Hopefully we can both find sunshine again soon.

  3. Sorry to hear you're struggling right now. Thinking good thoughts for you as your navigate this challenge and come out the other side.

    Hang on to those who love you!

  4. Haven't commented on the happy posts but commenting here. I have several close family members who struggle with depression and I've seen just how debilitating it can be. I hope the light at the end of this tunnel is soon visible and you start to come back to yourself again. You are far from alone - both in having this disease and in battling your way out.

  5. I'm sorry to read about your depression. Know that many are praying for your healing. if it's not tomorrow...then very soon. I hope just letting us all in will lessen the pain.

  6. I'm glad that you hit publish. Life is not always glowing or pretty or good and it is important for everyone to have an outlet, especially in the bad times. I have fought post chemo-induced depression so I can relate - it is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I hope that you are continuing to work with different meds - it took me three drugs and many different levels to feel "normal" again.

    I know it is hard and sad but just keep putting one foot in front of the other because it WILL get better. People do care about you and love you and will support you through this bad time.

    If I can help with anything - being an outlet, sending you an email on the meds I tried, anything, just let me know.

  7. I wish there was a magic word or phrase I could say to make it all go away - but I can't. Just know that there are many people out here (many, like me you don't know) who are thinking of you and praying that you get back to the happy hum soon - because that is what you deserve! Seek help when you need it, lean on friends for support, and don't ever feel guilty for posting to us - it is not a weakness! Actually I believe you are a much stronger person for letting us in! Sending you big hugs and hoping for a sunnier tomorrow!
    Jenng (from SC)

  8. I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this. It seems so so hard, but I'm sure you'll come through this as well. You are a very strong woman and you will prevail over this as well. Please explore different medications and different dosages. There are lots of us in cyber world sending you lots of love and warm wishes.

  9. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. You don't deserve to feel like this. Sending you virtual hugs from a stranger.

  10. I didn't know. I've been so behind in life and everyone. I'm so sorry.
    You are human, you are special and you are loved.

  11. You just wrote my feelings so exactly , I cant even believe what I am reading. Only, my husband hated me for my depression, gave up on me and even tried to blackmail me with tAPING ME WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS TO HIM ONE DAY. hE THREATENEED TO HAVE THE KIDS TAKEN FROM ME. nOW HE IS GONE, AND i HAVE MY KIDS HALF TIME. i ASKED HIM ONCE...WOULD YOU HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THIS IF i HAD CANCER AND COULDNT GET OUT OF BED? hE just laughed. At one time I thought he understood. Then one day I began clue-ing into his hatred of me and my depression and is lack of willingness to put up with it/me anymore. And then finding out it went a step further to planning to use it against me...well I was stripped of all dignity and realized...it is over. And a few days later he told me to leave. Thank you for being so honest in your blog. I feel I need to validate who I am by saying I am an RN with a professional job...not some quack...funny how just because I suffer from a mental illness I have to somehow find something about myself that makes me worthy. I worry about what others think but only because I have had my depression used against me by my parents as well as my now ex. And it makes you feel like there is something deeply wrong with you...something so wrong that it must have started long before you were born. I am not sure when I started feeling depressed but I know even as a teen I felt different, sad, lost, even though I was popular and hung out with the popular kids who made somethign of their life...I always felt like I didnt belong. I can maybe even trace it bback to when I was a child. I am not sure. Because I am looking at it from a child's mind. But I dont really ever remember being HAPPY. Such a pitiful question...but WHY??? I hate this disease of anxiety and depression. I just feel like a lazy pathetic unappreciate human being. I went from being super fit and now I eat everything in sight. Some days I cant eat a bite and other days I feel like if I dont stop eating I will feel too much and it will hurt too badly. I dont leave the house. Parenting is a chore I do as though I am a robot. Meds dont seem to help, therapy is a joke, I just want to be normal for once and not feel like an outcast.