I just re-read last year's goals, to see how close I came to achieving them. I kept up with my health and fitness program all year, although my goal for that had to change about mid-year when I realized I was developing an unhealthy obsession. My new goal was to be able to take care of myself, work for my goals, all while keeping a healthy balance. It's ok to enjoy junk food sometimes, and it's not ok to push myself to extremes just to achieve "a look"....because I've realized that no matter how well I do, I will never be happy or feel like I'm "perfect". Obviously I managed to break through my fears of remarriage, because here I am Mrs. Wonderful, ring on my finger. Although the year started with me being very fearful of wedding planning, the fears subsided and I was fine until Mr. W moved in, and it all kicked in again worse than before. But with the help of a therapist it all turned out just fine, and the reality of my situation became crystal clear and the fears disappeared again. As far as my ex-nothing has changed, but not without a sincere effort on my part. I feel that as long as he is insecure, nothing will change. I hate it for my kids because I see his insecurity being passed onto my son, but I can only control myself, and that has been a very tough realization. I truly want nothing but happiness for him because that is what is best for my kids. I wish he could find it.
So this year, here are my goals:
1-For my intentions to become actions.
I have the grandest, most sincerely heartfelt intentions to do great things for people. For friends, for family, for strangers, for neighbors, for those in need. I have a bleeding heart to a fault. I have ideas to let the people around me know they are loved, to fundraise for charity, to do all sorts of things but for some reason I have the hardest time following through and end up doing something half-ass or nothing at all. My husband just had his 30th birthday recently and while I normally would have thrown something together at the last minute, I tried to follow through with every idea that I had, and it turned into something beautiful that made him feel truly loved. I want to continue that trend not only with my husband but my kids. I also want to somehow get involved in a charity that doesn't just involve running a 5K or making a monetary donation.
2-Avoid unnecessary negativity.
Growing older and experiencing great drama in my friendships has been a huge eye opener for me. I'm 35 years old, I have 3 kids, a business, a husband and myself to look after. I do not have time for drama. Giving into thinking about or listening to any of it is just such a waste of our valuable time, and I absolutely refuse to participate.
The most valuable lesson that I have learned in the past year or two is that people and their opinions and actions only exist if I let them into my headspace. It's so simple...just stop caring about what people think and suddenly, it doesn't matter. As Coco Chanel said
“I don't care what you think about me. I don't think about you at all.”
I won't read about drama. I won't talk about drama. I won't participate in drama. I refuse to let it exist here. My world is what I make it: it is my family, my business, my closest friends, laughter, music, fitness, and anything else that makes me feel happy, not angry or upset. This year, my happiness will be under my own control, no one else's...and if anyone tries to bring any negativity or unnecessary drama into that space, they will be swiftly escorted out.
Don't get me wrong. I will be here for my closest friends and family through their hard times, and I will be supportive and a listening ear. But if that is all that is being brought to me in a relationship, you will be hearing less and less from me. I get one life, and I'm not letting anyone make a second of it less than wonderful. If only I had acquired this knowledge when I was younger...but alas, youth is wasted on the young :)
I am a very reactionary person. I see a problem, and I go to extremes to fix it. It is very against my nature to take baby steps in any situation. I'm impatient that way. For example, after the holidays, I felt chubby from eating too much junk. My immediate reaction is to do something extreme...fasting! Two a days! Jog 5 miles! No carbs for a week! And it has led to some pretty serious situations for me where I felt unhealthy and sad and way too hard on myself. Victories feel shallow because I can't stop pushing myself. I do understand that these are not necessarily bad qualities to have...the most successful people push themselves and are never satisfied. But I don't want success at the price of my happiness, so I have to learn balance. I will push myself as far as I can until it's not fun, at which point I will reevaluate or back off.
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. -Henry David Thoreau
Let me just be honest here. Feelings make me feel icky. I don't like to talk about my feelings, I don't like other people talking about their feelings. If you have ever witnessed me crying, it's because I was either drunk or things were REALLY bad, because crying makes my skin crawl. My comfort zone is laughing about things, venting about problems, and not really talking about anything in between. I'm not totally proud of this but it is what it is. I hate sap.
But this summer when I was going through a major crisis that almost resulted in a nervous breakdown, my therapist kind of told me to snap the hell out of it (which I so appreciated) and to start focusing my thoughts on the good, not the bad. To start seeing life through a positive set of glasses. I had made up my mind about people in my life, and therefore, every action they made was seen by me as proof that I was right. Once I told myself a different story, suddenly, their actions took on new meanings. It was beautiful, and I've never been happier. But again... So uncomfortable with the sap, so I trailed off. So my resolution this year is to force myself to be sappy, privately, and to write my gratitude down on a daily basis, to keep my perspective positive and to view everything through a positive light.
5-To document my growing children
My kids are 13, almost 9, and 5 years old now. When my youngest baby was born, I started my very first personal blog, with the intention of printing it out into a book each year for them to have as adults. When their Dad and I split, and then my Dad had his brain tumor surgery, I just couldn't make myself write there anymore. I was in a dark place and started this blog instead. But my kids still love to find that blog and read the stories about the 1 year old who got into Mommy's brand new eyeliner and painted the walls and her face with it, and the pictures to accompany. Now with iphone technology, I take pictures of our lives every single day. So I went back to that blog, re-vamped it, and started writing again. This year, my goal is to write in it at least once a week, to keep updated on all the funny things they say and the accomplishments of their lives.
It was nice and somewhat sad to read back to my early entries in that blog and see how different my life is. I was the mother of a 4 month old baby who had just found out, 4.5 months before, that my husband had been cheating on me my entire pregnancy: longer. The tone of the writing is apparent to me: the saddest girl in the world, trying to plant a smile on her face, hold her head up, and tell herself it would all be ok. Reading my new entries after reading the old ones just makes me smile...it's just so different...life is so complete and *right*.
Which is exactly why each new year excites me. Every year just seems to get better and better, and if things are this great now, imagine what the future may hold!