Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I Think a Change Would Do You Good


I woke up the morning after writing my last blog post feeling so clear headed and, just......fine.

The reality of the situation hit me. I allowed an outside source to cause me to question everything I have known about my relationship up until now. Up until now, I have known nothing but honesty, trust, loyalty, love, respect, and straightforwardness. He has given me no reason to doubt him.

3 years and 4 months ago, when I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest child, I discovered that my husband was not only unfaithful, but had been for at least the previous year. The entire length of my pregnancy and then some. Through my parents' divorce, when I leaned on him and cried to him about the issues that caused the demise of their marriage. He was holding me and telling me it would be ok, then leaving my house and sleeping with other women. He was coming home and talking to our daughter in my belly, then going to "work out" and meeting up with women. When I found out, the shock was so great and so traumatic that it sent me into pre-term labor. I did not know how to get through giving birth to a third child AND deal with a cheating husband. So I chose to put off the one I didn't want to deal with. Gave him almost 2 additional years of my life, with counseling and sex addiction group meetings. And then I found out that he continued to cheat until the day I finally kicked him out a year and a half ago.

For the two years in between me finding out about his infidelity and me finally kicking him out, I lived in a place of constant fear and apprehension. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin everytime he would leave the house without me. I created scenarios in my mind of what I was sure was happening right that moment, and drove myself insane. I felt responsible for whether he hurt the family or not, like my decision to let him stay would end up hurting the children, NOT the act of him cheating itself. It was a HORRIBLE place to be and I swore I'd never be there again.

But this weekend, after the comment was left, I found myself right back in that place again. Only this time about my current relationship. It made me sick when I realized it. Especially since Mr. Wonderful has not done anything in our time together to deserve it. He will not pay for the mistakes of my ex, nor will he pay for his own ex's "version" of their relationship (the anonymous comment was left by a friend of hers). I don't know her, only what he has told me, and the fact is that I know my partner very intimately and know our relationship. The fact is that the red flags are not there. Nothing said in that comment was news to me, it just came at me in a different way than I had heard it before and threw me.

I talked it through with my friends, how I felt frozen with indecision and fear. I read the comments from you guys. I talked it all through with Mr. Wonderful (who has been so incredibly patient with all of this). I slept, woke up, and felt totally clear headed.

I just needed to change my perspective. I needed to take off the "burnt ex wife" glasses and view my relationship for what it is.

Something else that helped me was to take the future off the table for a while. I had to stop thinking about my children meeting and falling in love with him or I was never going to move. We are concentrating on just us until I am ready and stable again. That's a big step as it is, but just taking it off the table for a little while was one of the reasons my head cleared as quickly as it did. Having three little ones' futures on my shoulders is a huge responsibility and one I do not want to rush through.

Mostly, I just need to stop taking everything so damn SERIOUSLY and relax and enjoy this ride. I am happy, I'm in love, I love my life, I love my family, and I love the place I'm in. Every decision does not have to be life or death. I may screw up, I may even screw up the big things. But everything is going to be ok in the long run, and I don't need to waste time worrying over and punishing myself for things that may or may not occur. It's great to be cautious and careful and thoughtful, and I wouldn't change anything I did...but I hope to always be able to end up back in this place of ease. It's a much better feeling.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Breach of Security

A few of you may have noticed that something has gone on here at my blog.

I've had sort of a breach of "security".

Not that this blog is private or ever will be. I've had too many comments from other women who are going through divorce or single motherhood that my blog has helped them, and I refuse to take that away from anyone. (although comments are now moderated)

The "breach of security" was that someone left a comment with the first and last name of someone in my life, a comment that sort of rocked my world. And now I'm stuck wondering what to do with it.

What I really, really hate about this situation is that this blog is supposed to be my outlet, my safe place to write my feelings down when I can't sort through them in my head. And now I feel that I cannot do that.

If you read my blog you know how much I struggle with trust. This is something that I've struggled with my entire life. When I was a child all the way up through my adult years, I learned that major people in my life were capable of lying to me and having "double lives", even though they loved me. I chose to trust again by marrying my husband, and that situation ended the same way, the double life going on behind my back, even though I knew down to my core that HE would NEVER. It was next to impossible for me to try a new relationship, and you see post after post how much I struggle with it.

My biggest issue is that I cannot differentiate red flags from fear. I don't know how to make decisions based on my instincts, because my instincts are not there. My head starts saying "This is a red flag" then it says "No it's just fear, fear can't rule your life" then back to "That's exactly what a red flag would look like" then back to "that's exactly what fear looks like too". It's exhausting and it causes me to freeze and not do anything. Thus the reason it took me two years to kick my husband out of my house.

The Quandry: I have to choose to believe the person in my life versus I have to protect myself and my family. Believing in them makes me vulnerable and possibly stupid, or it opens me up to a happy life and makes me brave for overcoming my fears. Not trusting means shutting down and being alone and losing that person, or it means protecting myself from another Ex.

Will I let the anonymous comment destroy my relationship? I have to believe that if she were sincere in trying to help me, I would have received more info that I requested. But the fact is that it has already triggered my deepest fears and rattled me to my core, whether they were true or not. The tiny amount of trust that I was able to muster up and had been building on has now been rocked. And that sucks, especially because my head is telling me that the motivation behind the comment was pretty questionable. But I don't know how to get past what just the mention of it has done to me.

How do you navigate relationships after living a lifetime of the people closest to you letting you down??? How do I identify and eliminate the non-trustworthy without also throwing out the trustworthy in the process???

I want to be that person that takes chances, rolls with the punches but also reaps the rewards. I also don't want to be that stupid girl who just can't seem to get it right and makes the same mistakes over and over. And I don't just have myself to worry about here, because the decisions would be much easier if we were just talking about me. I have three children who deserve the best life has to offer and need me to protect them. But they also need an example of a loving, trusting relationship.

So here I sit. Frozen with indecision. Terrified to make a move. And that pisses me OFF.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Never Underestimate the Power of Looking Forward

January SUCKS.

It's cold and icky, it's right after the holidays, and a big giant reality check, right up the backside of the head. No more days off work, no more Christmas trees or lights or presents or visits to Santa, no more awesomely fattening food and skipping the gym.

I've had a pretty crappy weekend. I get seriously overwhelmed the weeks that I have my kids all weekend alone, particulary on Sunday night, when the weight of all that I have to do really sits hard on me. Any playtime I take with the kids over the weekend I must pay dearly for on Sunday evening, when I have to plan meals, buy groceries, do the dishes, pick up the house, get together clothes for the week and wash them, and make lunches, for 4 of us. Not to mention any work that may need to be prepped for the next morning. It's completely exhausting. By about midnight Sunday night, I'm usually finally crawling into bed, facing a week of a 3 year old who won't sleep in her bed, a business that is run by me and clients who are waiting for me to get my ass in gear, school papers to go through and sign, homework to help with, an ex husband who is constantly causing drama, and a relationship that needs my attention. It's about this time that I begin cursing single motherhood. This job, especially with this many children, was just not meant to be done alone. I'm too exhausted to raise this family AND support it financially.

So this past Sunday night I was feeling so down, depressed, exhausted, unloved, and unappreciated. I didn't know how to get through this night, much less the rest of January.

I thought back to the times when I have been the happiest. I texted my friend and pleaded her to throw one of her infamous GNO's. The kind where we dress to the 9's and hit the town, laugh til our sides hurt, drink fruity cocktails and eat mouth watering food. In a matter of an evening, a night was planned for just a few weeks away with all of the women that I love and adore (minus one who will have a newborn!) and just like that, the depression and exhaustion had disappeared.

Just a reminder to me that I need to keep my focus ahead and on the people and things and experiences that bring me joy. If they can get me through the roughest patches of my life, surely they can get me through Sunday night.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Something has been brewing with me the past few days and I have to write about it or I am going to lose my mind.

I don't know what triggered it. Maybe I let my thoughts dip down just a little too deeply into the past. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the holidays, a dream I had, a conversation, the residuals of my father almost dying, yet again. I really don't know where this came from.

I just have had this overwhelming panic brewing inside of me in regards to my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. I am constantly torn between wanting to pull him so close to me and cling to him, or pushing him away as far as possible...both actions with the same intention---keep him from hurting me, leaving me, etc. etc. etc.

I described it to a friend like this: it feels like I was a survivor of a horrible plane crash, and just woke up and realized that I'm on a plane again and OMG WHAT AM I DOING HOW DID I GET HERE

But the thing is, I never loved anyone the way I love this man, including my ex. And look at how that ended. Not only did I get hurt, but my three innocent and precious children did too...up in flames, just like that. But this is even more of a risk...and the fallout would be astronomical, at least in my head.

Thoughts going through my head:
Everyone leaves me.
Sure he "would never ever cheat on me". When have I said that before???
So maybe he never cheats on me. What if he just plain falls out of love? What if he gets tired of me and leaves?

It just feels inevitable.

All around me, marriages are either miserable or failing. People who used to be madly in love, just like we are right now, are falling apart. Every relationship I've had up until now has failed. It feels arrogant to think we are above that.

I do realize that my choices are to either run away and never take a chance, or take that huge risk.

Huge risk=great reward? or astronomical heartache?
No risk=no reward? or safety???

The fact is that when I have tried it, it hasn't worked. And it hurt, it still hurts, and I don't want to hurt anymore.

I'm scared to death you guys. Paralyzed with fear.

He wants to know what he can do to minimize this for me. I wish I knew. I'm going to just have to ride it out like I have with everything.

Damn my ex husband for taking my precious trust away. DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CARELESS WITH ME.

But f- him too, because I'm going to keep moving forward and figure this out.

Monday, January 4, 2010

My Resolutions

I have to admit that this is the first time I've actually thought about my New Year's resolutions for 2010, mostly because I haven't had time to sit and breathe (I shouldn't even be doing this now)

But almost every goal I set for myself last year, I managed to keep up with and accomplish, so I feel it's really important for me to set those goals. This year is going to be more about maintaining the change and keeping the drama low more than anything. I just want peace and quiet for a good long while.

So here are the resolutions for each aspect of my life

1-Motherhood: Last year was spent concentrating on me, me and more me. It needed to be done, it was the first step in creating a happy home for my children...they needed a happy mom. It was me taking the oxygen from the oxygen mask first, and then assisting my children with theirs, just like they tell you on an airplane. Well, it's time to concentrate on them. Yes, I have them all in counseling and have been seriously doing the best I can. But it's time to buckle down, put down the iPhone, make sure each of them are getting one on one time with me, make sure their emotional needs are all being met, and that I am raising them the way I have always wanted to. We have been in survival mode for a long time around here. It's time to nurture them, mold them, work on building their character for the future. I need to concentrate on being the best mom I can be this year.

2-Love: My main goal for my relationship is to just get through it without flopping too badly on my face. I am all over the place. One minute, I am intoxicated and passionate and and could never picture life without Mr. Wonderful, the next I am freaked out and wondering if I really ever want to live with anyone again and do I *really* believe in marriage??? I get so so scared, so easily. I am so scared to take risks, that sometimes it sounds easier to just be alone for the rest of my life than to take a chance with a man who has been nothing but amazing. I start questioning EVERYTHING so much that I seriously told my own brain to just SHUT UP tonight. "Oh sure it's so incredible now, but just wait til you've been together FOREVER and all he wants is someone different and thinks you're naggy and can't stand to be near you and then what if he starts looking around for someone else, it happens to everyone" blah blah blah blah blah. I've even told myself that no man will ever come to appreciate me and what I offer without losing me first, I seriously heard that in my head today after having a conversation with The Ex. I've got to find a way to conquer these fears and this baggage that come from the person you trust most in the world betraying you in the worst way possible.....because I will end up talking myself into being alone forever, and I do not want that. But GAH...to think of it. What a risk, right?????

3-Career: I want to get BETTER at my job. Again, the theme of the past year has just been survival. I have not done my best work, I haven't branched out, I haven't pushed myself or followed any dreams. I spent the last year just trying to make it through without losing my business, and I did that. This year, I want to love my work again....I want to push myself to do the best work I'm capable of, and try things I've always wanted to try. I want to get organized and stop feeling like I'm always a step behind.

4-Health: Last January, I started eating right and exercising, lost 30 lbs, and have kept it off since then. In September after a long hiatus from working out after my Dad's surgery, I returned to the gym and began running and weightlifting. I have actual definition in my arms and legs, I'm smaller than I have been since high school, and I actually like how I look. Most of all, I feel amazing and healthy and strong, I feel in control, and you know sometimes I even feel beautiful. This year I just want to make that all keep going. I want to lose more fat and keep defining my muscle, I want to continue eating food that makes me feel good. I want to keep challenging myself. The biggest thing I need to change is to stop drinking diet soda. It is definetly my weakness and keeps me from drinking all the water I should. Other than that, I've been doing pretty well in the health department, and it feels really good to be able to say that for the first January in years.

5-Friendship: Anyone who reads this blog knows I have the most amazing friends ever. Sometimes I wonder why they stick with me, I need them SO MUCH and rarely have the time or the ability to help back. I don't call or reach out, not because I don't love them or don't think of them, just that I usually have three kids screaming and yelling in the background when I think of them or when they call me. This year, I really want to give back to those who helped me so much, whenever I can. No I can't always show up to someone's house with my 3 kids and help with things, but maybe I'll try and pick up the phone more when I have a quiet moment, or send texts or emails checking in. I really want to show them how much I love them and how much they mean to me, that will be a major priority for me this year.


I want to hear a ton of live music and concerts. I want to find new bands/artists and fall in love with them. I want to experience more of my city, including it's art, restaurants, music, food, celebrations, and nightlife. I want to travel to new places I've never been. I want to get this old, 1980's-everything house updated. I want to stay on top of my responsibilities and not always feel behind. I want to finally get my son his braces and my daughter her bedroom. I want to make more money. I want to get to bed on time and get plenty of sleep each night. I want to get my youngest daughter out of my bed and into her own. I want to throw away every single piece of clutter in this house and live simply. (That, of course, may involve finally speaking with a doctor about my adult ADD). I want to get my nails/hair/etc done regularly with set appointments so I don't put it off. I want to always look and feel my best. I want to teach my kids to always look and feel their best.

Most of all, I just want to continue everything I learned last year and keep on with it, making it a new way of life rather than an experiment.