A few of you may have noticed that something has gone on here at my blog.
I've had sort of a breach of "security".
Not that this blog is private or ever will be. I've had too many comments from other women who are going through divorce or single motherhood that my blog has helped them, and I refuse to take that away from anyone. (although comments are now moderated)
The "breach of security" was that someone left a comment with the first and last name of someone in my life, a comment that sort of rocked my world. And now I'm stuck wondering what to do with it.
What I really, really hate about this situation is that this blog is supposed to be my outlet, my safe place to write my feelings down when I can't sort through them in my head. And now I feel that I cannot do that.
If you read my blog you know how much I struggle with trust. This is something that I've struggled with my entire life. When I was a child all the way up through my adult years, I learned that major people in my life were capable of lying to me and having "double lives", even though they loved me. I chose to trust again by marrying my husband, and that situation ended the same way, the double life going on behind my back, even though I knew down to my core that HE would NEVER. It was next to impossible for me to try a new relationship, and you see post after post how much I struggle with it.
My biggest issue is that I cannot differentiate red flags from fear. I don't know how to make decisions based on my instincts, because my instincts are not there. My head starts saying "This is a red flag" then it says "No it's just fear, fear can't rule your life" then back to "That's exactly what a red flag would look like" then back to "that's exactly what fear looks like too". It's exhausting and it causes me to freeze and not do anything. Thus the reason it took me two years to kick my husband out of my house.
The Quandry: I have to choose to believe the person in my life versus I have to protect myself and my family. Believing in them makes me vulnerable and possibly stupid, or it opens me up to a happy life and makes me brave for overcoming my fears. Not trusting means shutting down and being alone and losing that person, or it means protecting myself from another Ex.
Will I let the anonymous comment destroy my relationship? I have to believe that if she were sincere in trying to help me, I would have received more info that I requested. But the fact is that it has already triggered my deepest fears and rattled me to my core, whether they were true or not. The tiny amount of trust that I was able to muster up and had been building on has now been rocked. And that sucks, especially because my head is telling me that the motivation behind the comment was pretty questionable. But I don't know how to get past what just the mention of it has done to me.
How do you navigate relationships after living a lifetime of the people closest to you letting you down??? How do I identify and eliminate the non-trustworthy without also throwing out the trustworthy in the process???
I want to be that person that takes chances, rolls with the punches but also reaps the rewards. I also don't want to be that stupid girl who just can't seem to get it right and makes the same mistakes over and over. And I don't just have myself to worry about here, because the decisions would be much easier if we were just talking about me. I have three children who deserve the best life has to offer and need me to protect them. But they also need an example of a loving, trusting relationship.
So here I sit. Frozen with indecision. Terrified to make a move. And that pisses me OFF.