Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I Think a Change Would Do You Good


I woke up the morning after writing my last blog post feeling so clear headed and, just......fine.

The reality of the situation hit me. I allowed an outside source to cause me to question everything I have known about my relationship up until now. Up until now, I have known nothing but honesty, trust, loyalty, love, respect, and straightforwardness. He has given me no reason to doubt him.

3 years and 4 months ago, when I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest child, I discovered that my husband was not only unfaithful, but had been for at least the previous year. The entire length of my pregnancy and then some. Through my parents' divorce, when I leaned on him and cried to him about the issues that caused the demise of their marriage. He was holding me and telling me it would be ok, then leaving my house and sleeping with other women. He was coming home and talking to our daughter in my belly, then going to "work out" and meeting up with women. When I found out, the shock was so great and so traumatic that it sent me into pre-term labor. I did not know how to get through giving birth to a third child AND deal with a cheating husband. So I chose to put off the one I didn't want to deal with. Gave him almost 2 additional years of my life, with counseling and sex addiction group meetings. And then I found out that he continued to cheat until the day I finally kicked him out a year and a half ago.

For the two years in between me finding out about his infidelity and me finally kicking him out, I lived in a place of constant fear and apprehension. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin everytime he would leave the house without me. I created scenarios in my mind of what I was sure was happening right that moment, and drove myself insane. I felt responsible for whether he hurt the family or not, like my decision to let him stay would end up hurting the children, NOT the act of him cheating itself. It was a HORRIBLE place to be and I swore I'd never be there again.

But this weekend, after the comment was left, I found myself right back in that place again. Only this time about my current relationship. It made me sick when I realized it. Especially since Mr. Wonderful has not done anything in our time together to deserve it. He will not pay for the mistakes of my ex, nor will he pay for his own ex's "version" of their relationship (the anonymous comment was left by a friend of hers). I don't know her, only what he has told me, and the fact is that I know my partner very intimately and know our relationship. The fact is that the red flags are not there. Nothing said in that comment was news to me, it just came at me in a different way than I had heard it before and threw me.

I talked it through with my friends, how I felt frozen with indecision and fear. I read the comments from you guys. I talked it all through with Mr. Wonderful (who has been so incredibly patient with all of this). I slept, woke up, and felt totally clear headed.

I just needed to change my perspective. I needed to take off the "burnt ex wife" glasses and view my relationship for what it is.

Something else that helped me was to take the future off the table for a while. I had to stop thinking about my children meeting and falling in love with him or I was never going to move. We are concentrating on just us until I am ready and stable again. That's a big step as it is, but just taking it off the table for a little while was one of the reasons my head cleared as quickly as it did. Having three little ones' futures on my shoulders is a huge responsibility and one I do not want to rush through.

Mostly, I just need to stop taking everything so damn SERIOUSLY and relax and enjoy this ride. I am happy, I'm in love, I love my life, I love my family, and I love the place I'm in. Every decision does not have to be life or death. I may screw up, I may even screw up the big things. But everything is going to be ok in the long run, and I don't need to waste time worrying over and punishing myself for things that may or may not occur. It's great to be cautious and careful and thoughtful, and I wouldn't change anything I did...but I hope to always be able to end up back in this place of ease. It's a much better feeling.


  1. Good for you. This is your relationship not their old relationship. Maybe he grew and she didn't, maybe a lot of things, but you and he are completely different then them.
    I found this website through another blog and since I am on a quest to find myself, I read as much as possible. I actually thought about you when I read a few of the things on it.
    It may not be helpful to you, but you never know.
    I am glad that you are going from you gut and giving him an honest chance. You never know what a jaded ex's motives are, and you should only trust yourself.

  2. I think you are doing the right thing. Be true to yourself and you will find the way. And you are so right, everything always works out in the end. I hate it when other people interfere when they don't need to be and just for malicious reasons. Go and enjoy every moment you have with him and when its time to move further ahead it will just fall into place.

    Love you!

  3. Hey -- wanted to tell you how much I identify with your description of those feelings in the "interim years" -- when you had the feeling that you should get out, that things weren't right, but, OMG, what would it mean, how would you do it all, what would it do to your kids.

    You read my blog, so you know our situations are different, and, yet, I can identify on so many levels. I used to lie in bed at night -- in the months before he left -- and IMAGINE someone else in the bed beside me -- a completely madeup person. Some nights it was the only way I could go to sleep.

    And I have NEVER told anyone that before. Sigh ......

    Anyway, just wanted you to know how much I can relate ...


  4. Leah, I don't think our situations are all that different, two very similar men who just left us in different ways. I'm here for you anytime. Ddslovey@yahoo.com