I don't have patience. I'm really. really. really bad at being patient.
Mr. Wonderful has been in my life for 19 months now, and I have known that we were meant to be together forever for 18 months 2 weeks.
Those of you who have met your "soulmate" know what I'm talking about. You know, right away. A way I never knew with my ex-husband and really didn't think existed.
Something about the two of us together is just perfection. He brings out my best, I bring out his. His mother recently marveled to me about his transformation since meeting me, saying she hardly recognizes him. He has become softer, more sensitive, more patient and loving and secure. He credits that to our relationship, and to becoming a father. I know that since I met him I have become a better parent by a million percent. He is such a natural at it, and seriously pushes me to always do what's right and healthy.
To be completely honest, if it were up to me, he'd probably be living here now. But he was the one who assessed the situation and decided that our kids just weren't ready and needed more time. At the time of his proposal, he was right. But now that the decision has been made and it's 6 months later, GOOD GOD WE'RE SO READY AND I JUST WANT HIM HERE.
The kids beg him not to leave every night. They all ask every day how much longer 'til he lives here. They consider him a Dad and love having him here as much as I do.
It feels wrong not to have him sleeping next to me in bed. We've become so close over the year and a half, and aside from the fun we always have when we're together, his thoughts and opinions and support have become a lifeline for me. I finally know what it feels like to be in a healthy, authentic relationship. I am now so ridiculously impatient to know what a healthy, authentic marriage feels like.
The fears of the wedding and ceremony have been washed away by this restlessness I feel to be married to the man of my dreams. It went from "WHY am I doing this" to "WHEN ARE WE DOING THIS!" Who knew.
Many of my fears about being married had to do with my kids. What would happen if it didn't work out and they had to go through another divorce? And yet, he continues to show me every single day that he is just as committed to these three as he is to me. Last week he wrote the kids the most beautiful, heart-wrenching letter I've ever read. Telling them of his intentions, that he loved them as if they were his, that he would love and protect them, always. Our therapist is so impressed by him that after I told her that he had read a step-parenting book that he disagreed with, she quipped that "he should be the one writing the book". How could I be afraid after hearing that...honestly....
I love telling the story of his practical promise to me. I was once whining about how could I know that he'd never cheat on me, that promises had been made to me before and promises have been broken. He thought about it for a moment, and then in his matter-of-fact way, stated that he would never cheat on me, because if he did and I left him, he wouldn't have any legal rights to see the kids. Knowing how much he loves them and has worked SO HARD on his relationships with them, this was enough to quiet the voices forever. I needed facts, evidence, not whimsical promises.
But this is why I love him. Practical, methodical, analytical, real.