Friday, January 30, 2009

I'm Broken.

The news was not good today. It wasn't devastating, but it wasn't good.

The short story is that my dad needs to have an operation on an inoperable brain tumor. Specialists are being called. Only a few doctors in the country have the expertise to perform the surgery he needs.

I didn't want to leave my Dad at that hospital today. He was with my brother and my sister-in-law and his wife and her family, but I didn't want to leave him. I'm so scared, I'm so angry, I can't wrap my brain around this. I didn't want to come home and not have anyone with me to get me through this.

My husband called to ask what the results were. I gave him as many details as I could come up with considering my state of mind. He just continued to be "positive" and assure me that it would all be fine. I end up feeling like we are arguing because it's like he's trying to force me to feel fine when it's NOT FINE.

Later in the day I felt muscle weakness and started to worry. I have a history of serious illness caused in part by intense stress, muscle weakness being the first sign. I called my husband just at the end of my rope. I asked him if he could please just come to dinner with us and help me get them fed and back home. I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to bring anything home because then there would be a mess, I just wanted to get out of the house, stuff their little faces with someone's help wrangling them, and put them to bed. My Dad would be the first person I called to help me with this but obviously, that was not happening tonight. It was a desperate move.

He said that yes, he could meet us, but he'd have to leave by 8. He was going to see a band tonight. Another band that we used to see together. A band that people dance to. Who was he going with, I was curious...wondering if he had hooked back up with the friends who used to go with us? "Just some friends" which I knew meant women, because if it were anyone else he would have just said names (I asked, and I was right). So now I have a mental image in my head of him going dancing with a bunch of girls, likely drinking too much and hooking up with one, which he can now easily because he has his own place, on top of what has happened to me all day....

I tell him to forget it, his presence will just make it worse, sorry I asked, and hung up the phone.

I've been telling myself that although somewhere inside I knew we weren't going to get back together, some little piece of me was still holding on, unable to say OK it's time to file for divorce. I knew that I would know when the time was right.

Tonight was that night. It's time to get on with it. The fact that he could be so insensitive and selfish after the day I had today with my dad, someone he loves as much as his OWN father, was enough to do it for me. I deserve better.

It also dawned on me that the reason he has been so "positive" about my dad's condition: he feels guilty for not being there for me, so he's trying to minimalize the situation. For his own head.

I cannot continue to be married to someone like that. I know that I have known it, but now I KNOW it.

I am broken, my friends. I am low, I am scared, I am ANGRY, and I just don't know if I can take it anymore. How much can one person be expected to get through?

What can I do about it? I don't know. Just try and make it through this moment I guess, and then the next one. I've lost faith completely. I'm beaten to a pulp.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Still Schlumpy

What is wrong with me?

Seriously, can anti-depressants make you feel like this? I'm fighting with my own head here, I know that I have every reason to not want to get out of bed...but this is crazy.

This morning I woke up, got the kids ready for school, climbed back into bed. Slept until my 2 year old woke up, got her something to eat, stuck her in front of Elmo, and went back to sleep. Woke up intermittently to see what she was doing, change her tv show, but kept on climbing right back under my covers, feeling like the biggest loser and worst mother ever (thus increasing my desire to sleep). I can't describe how I feel other than being under my covers with my head on that soft pillow may be the closest thing to comfort that I can find right now (*ding ding ding*, tell her what she's won)

Once I'm up I'm walking in circles, forgetting what I'm doing. I have moments of clarity where I can manage to do the dishes, but the laundry is so daunting to me now that I can't even consider it.

I had a fun night out with the girls last night, laughed a lot, but then I walk in my door and it's just all over. No residual good feeling, just...nothing.

Tomorrow is my Dad's big day. He is having a test to determine whether he will be a candidate for gamma knife for his brain tumor. Maybe after I know something this fog will disappear.

I also have therapy tonight, I haven't been since finding out about my dad's tumor. Maybe a good cry is all I need.

And I'm gonna be a big whimp and just say it. I miss my husband. Damn it, I miss him, the good him. I SHOULDN'T. I miss his gentle voice and his quick wit and the way his arms feel around me when I need them. I know I am conveniently leaving out all the shit that brought us to this point of separation, the things that hurt enough that he can't live with me. But I miss him right now.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


OK, I'm definetly hitting a slump over here.

I really, really didn't want to admit it. I feel like I'm admitting defeat. I was feeling so good and hanging out with friends and doing yoga and losing weight and was finding POSITIVES about the separation.

And then the news about my Dad.

I don't know if it's like a computer that became so overwhelmed with information that it just crashes, because that's how I feel. I feel nothing, still numb.

I know that I don't want to get up in the morning, but I don't want to go to sleep at night. I don't want to shower or wear decent clothes. I don't care if I have on makeup or if my hair is clean.

I don't care that I haven't done the laundry or the dishes, or that 6 weeks worth of work is waiting for me. I don't care if the kids get their homework done. I don't know what it is that I want or need, I am just numb.

My closest friend today told me I seemed depressed, that she's never seen me this bad. But I have been at those depths of depression, where everything seems to be spiraling out of control and you can't shake the feeling of complete and utter doom...I was there just a month ago...but this is different. I just can't feel. At. all.

Maybe somewhere inside I am scared to feel based on what my brain is interpreting as my current circumstances. I am completely aware in my head that I should be scared, I should be angry, I should be upset and sad and lonely and all of those things. My Dad is in serious danger, my husband and I have split, and I am a single mom of 3 kids who hasn't worked in 6 weeks.

I can say that the one thing that brings up any kind of feeling for me is thinking about the fact that I am totally alone in this. Yes, I have my mom, my brother, my family, my amazing girlfriends, but I do not have my spouse. I don't have that safety haven where I can curl up in a ball and cry and be held without judgement or without worry of judgement. It's just not the same. That safety haven has been destroyed and is no longer safe. This is the one thing that can bring tears to my eyes.

Other than that, I look and feel like a walking zombie. I've lost myself again somewhere.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Kids.

I'm still feeling pretty numb today, I slept way too long this morning and just don't feel productive at all...such a strange turn from how I was last week; I have to keep reminding myself though that I have been through a huge trauma ASIDE from the mess with my husband: my father's tumor. Maybe that is the source of the numbness. I just can't feel all of this all at once.

A couple of people have emailed me and asked about how the kids are doing through this. Dreading how my children would react was the reason I stayed with my husband as long as I did and put up with the crap I did. I could not imagine looking them in their sweet little eyes and saying something that would tear their world apart, regardless if it was my fault or not. I imagined them as grownups and starting the first sentence to their therapists as "Everything was fine until my parents broke up". I already guilt trip myself to death as a mother, but add this in and I didn't think I would make it through.

When my husband first left he was still coming over so much that the kids really didn't even notice he was gone. He would come straight from work and then leave after they went to bed. It does seem crazy now but it made the transition much easier for us all. Finally they noticed that he was leaving and we had to come up with an explanation.

I got very, very detailed advice on what to say to them from my therapist, specific to each child's age. I asked every question I thought they would ask and prepared myself for the worst. Her best advice to me: "They're going to be sad when you tell them. You can't avoid that. This is sad. But just reassure them that they will be ok and they are safe and that you both still love them, that is what they need to hear."

Our oldest, who was a few weeks short of ten, was the first we told. We took him out to eat then sat him down alone. I made my husband be the one to actually say it. He told him that Mommy and Daddy had been having some problems, and that we had actually separated. I'll never forget the look on my son's face. He looked shocked, then he turned to me with his big brown eyes and lunged for me, and cradled himself in my arms like a baby. He wailed and wailed while I held him and cried on his shoulder. I whispered in his ear all the things that my counselor had advised me to say. "It's ok to be sad. We just have grown up problems that we're trying to work on. We both still love you. You're not going to have to move or change schools. You're still going to see Daddy all the time and can call him anytime you miss him. " As advised, we did not place blame on either party, when he asked why, we just said that we had gotten married so young that we never had a chance to be grownups on our own. The more I told him, the less he cried. Finally he rolled over and asked a few questions "Is this why you go to counseling every week? Is this why you leave every night?" His mood changed...he had been reassured that he was going to be ok, and it was like he was RELIEVED. I think if I've learned anything from my own parent's divorce when I was 29 to my own separation, it's that kids want to know the TRUTH...even if it's ugly. They don't want some pretty fairy tale that doesn't feel real, because they are more sensitive than we are and can feel when something is off. And honestly, he has been doing better than ever since that night. He seems more open to sharing his feelings than before, and happier in general.

My middle child, who was five, did exactly what my therapist said. In one ear and out the other. We sat her down, explained it to her the same way we did my oldest, and she said, "Ummm, ok." I think she asked one question, and then she said "Can we go eat lunch now?" She's been fine ever since as well. One night she did start crying and wanting her Daddy, and I told her she could call him anytime she missed him...she did and then was fine.

To my surprise, the two year old was the one to take it the hardest. She noticed immediately something was off. She went from laying down happily in her crib every night and going to sleep by herself, to screaming her head off when I put her down and eventually climbing out of her crib if I wouldn't come and get her. This change occurred the week he left. It was amazing. She cried all the time, she stopped napping, she'd stay up until midnight screaming. My therapist's advice: she needs you right now, don't worry about breaking routines and creating bad sleep habits right now, just hold her when she wants to be held and reassure her that you are not leaving her. Some nights she would start screaming for Daddy and would wander the house looking for him. Those nights were the most heartbreaking of my life. She'd go in every dark room wailing "Daaaaady! Daaaaady!" for hours and just fall asleep in my arms, or sometimes she'd fall asleep leaning on a door. She would also wake up multiple times a night like a newborn again. This lasted for about a month before she finally started to improve, and just this last week she started going to sleep at her bedtime again...but only in my bed(I move her to her own after she falls asleep). It has been six months.

A couple of weeks ago, I was upset about something having to do with my husband and could not stop crying. My two older kids both walked in and saw me crying. I did not try and put on a happy face...again my therapist assured me that letting them see me sad about this every now and then would be a good example to them that they could allow themselves to be sad and cry if they felt bad about the situation. They asked me, "What's wrong, Mommy?" and I said "Mommy is just feeling sad about me and Daddy today." They both hugged me and I thought it was over. Then a few minutes later, my oldest said "I know a way to fix things, Mommy. I can make a plan to make you and Daddy get back together." I was alarmed, remembering how I had tried so hard to make my own parents get back together, even as an adult, and knew it was an unhealthy role my son was trying to take on. I immediately said "Oh honey, that is so sweet of you, but you DO NOT have to take care of Mommy. I can take care of myself. I'm just sad today, and it's ok to be sad sometimes. You don't ever have to worry about fixing things for me." Instant relief washed over his face, and he said "OK, I'm gonna go pogo".

I am starting my oldest in play therapy next week. I think he's doing really well, and I think that thanks to my own counselor's advice I'm saying and doing all the right things. But I just don't think you can be too safe in this situation (especially since I cannot control what my husband says and does to him). He'll only be going every other week to start. I want to do everything I can to make sure he is ok through this.

Despite my anger and resentment, and the awkwardness between my husband and I, we are making a point to put on a united front for the kids. Showing them that they can't use one of us against the other. Sitting together at soccer games. Being nice to each other. Spending holidays together so things don't have to change for the kids. I think obviously this has to be tailored to each individual's situation, but for us it seems to be working.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


I'm feeling really numb today, I guess that is to be expected after the week I have just been through. I'm forcing myself to write right now because I can't feel anything.

This happens to me pretty frequently. I think sometimes it is the only way I survived my marriage for all those years. It's a defense mechanism I learned before I was ever married, to survive extremely difficult pre-teen and teen years in my family. I call it survival mode.

When things get too hard, I numb out. I can only see what's in front of me, I don't feel a thing. I don't think, I don't try to think, I Sometimes I can even feel it happening. Once I was at a therapy session and my therapist took me down a very emotional path, and I could feel it coming. My mind started wandering to how I was going to get my child to soccer, what clothes I needed to wash, what the sun looked like hitting her chair, totally random and trivial things. I described it to her as it was happening. I tried incredibly hard to grasp onto the feelings that had started to come up before the numbing began. I couldn't do it. It's such a strong instinct at this point in my life that it is just automatic.

At least understanding why it happens and recognizing when it happens is somewhat empowering. I can forgive myself for it because I recognize that it got me through many tough times when I didn't know how to cope. It's my mind's way of protecting me when I didn't know any other way, and that is tough to unlearn.

Anger seems to bring the numbness out in me more than anything. Anger was not an acceptable emotion in our house growing up. Just this evening, my husband was over and "helping" me get the kids to bed. He was infuriating me over his parenting of my oldest, but what can I say...nothing I say changes anything he does, all I can do is ask him to leave (which I did). I was sitting on the couch just stewing listening to him say all the wrong things to our son, angry that I have worked so hard to learn how to say all the right things only for him to sweep right in and undo it all. Maybe that's when it started.

Sometimes it is just easier to feel nothing than to go through the pain. Which is how drug addiction, alcoholism, food and sex addiction begin. So while I recognize the reason for it, I also recognize the danger in it.

With that, my goals for this week:
-Try not to fixate on my husband and get back to fixating on my own recovery from this mess
-Take care of myself by eating right and getting plenty of exercise
-Get plenty of sleep
-Do at least one thing each day that brings me joy.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Another rough night.

I was fine until I came home to my empty house and started to let my mind wander over to what my husband is doing tonight...seeing "our" band, listening to "our" songs, reliving those days when we were happy and when I thought we'd be together forever.

I was at my Dad's, which is distraction enough I thought. Then I came home and the songs came flooding into my head, and then the memories of us singing those songs together, side by side at the top of our lungs together, either in the car listening to our cd or in a crowded, smoky concert. We even had his and hers t-shirts that we wore proudly. What happened to us? How did we get from there to here?

And why is he seemingly not bothered by it? I can't believe he would just be at that show with some random friend and not be the least bit affected. But, hey...isn't that why we were separated in the first place...I hold the marriage WAY up here and he held it signifigantly lower.

This morning at my daughter's soccer game, he was there and holding my youngest's hand. She almost fell and I yelled from instinct "HONEY!" to get his attention. Can you say, A-W-K-W-A-R-D??

This whole separation is like untying the biggest knot ever. The two of us have this life together of 12 years and history, and now we have to pull apart, but each little piece of it takes such effort and time and emotion. 12 years is a long time.

I wish I had planned tonight better so I wouldn't be here alone with my thoughts. I have been so distracted by my Dad's situation that these things are just slipping right past me. And with the distraction I guess I didn't think this would even come into my mind but yet here it is, sitting on me like a 2 ton weight.

I hope the band sucks tonight. There.

Friday, January 23, 2009

This Life thing is Hard.

Got some sleep last night and then more today, am starting to feel a bit "normalized" again, as much as I can I guess.

Isn't life crazy? It's amazing how fragile we all are as human beings, yet how strong we can be as spiritual beings. It boggles the mind.

This weekend, of all weekends, I had agreed to keep the kids all three days (we usually split the weekend). My husband has a friend in town and they are going to see a concert tomorrow evening.

Funny story, actually. The concert they are seeing together is the Farewell concert of the band that he and I used to follow together. It was the best point of our marriage, actually. For once we both loved the same music and would go to every show together. The band announced their breakup at about the same time we separated. And if that isn't fitting enough, he is attending the Farewell Concert without me.

He sent me an email today saying how he knew how hard this must be for me, to be going through all of this with my Dad in the midst of our separation. It was a glimpse of the "old" him, the one who cared enough to think about my feelings and my needs. It was hard to read. I think he may be one of the only people who understands how much I need him right now, the only person who truly knows how much I adore my Dad and how much this must hurt. I just want someone to hold me and to and tell me it's all going to be ok, and it can't be him, and it can't be anyone else.

Damn this is hard. It is taking everything in my power not to fall down into that deep well of depression, where life seems so overwhelming that you just don't think you can take it. I feel like I JUST got through scaling the depths of that well and was just starting to see the light, as you can probably see by my previous posts. I know I'll get through this too, I just don't understand why this all has to be so damned hard.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

For cryin' out loud

So two days ago I get the news, out of left field, that my father has a mass in his brain.

Today, I went with him to the dr. to find out what we were dealing with. Although it is benign (THANK GOD), it's inoperable.

Now not to sound totally selfish, because I do realize that this is a selfish thought...but this blog is about me...and I just want to SCREAM at God or the Universe or whatever...WHAT THE F**K

I feel like I keep getting shot, then I get back up bloodied and try to walk away, just to be shot again...and again, and again.

I mean isn't there only so much one person can take?

I am so glad that my Dad doesn't have cancer. Believe me, I am not overlooking this.

But this part of me is so SICK AND TIRED of having rugs yanked out from under me.

And then I'm even scared to say that because it's like some force is trying to test me to see how much I can take. I know that doesn't really make sense. I haven't slept much in the last two days.

I do know this for sure: never say "Well at least it can't get worse". Or if you do, be sure ya knock on wood right after.

And my husband....what a useless creature he has turned out to be. My first instinct was to call him after I found out. And I did. And he's as useless as he was before we separated. Totally unable to produce any sort of emotion or warmth. He tried to be reassuring, but God help me, it comes out sounding so condescending and invalidating because he is so stone cold.

Thank God for my brother and my girlfriends.

I promise that soon I will get around to a more positive perspective. It's there, it is. But I just needed to indulge my anger for one evening.

I'm tired of even talking about it and just want to go veg and pretend like there is no giant golfball sized tumor smooshing my father's brain and no separation and no clueless husband.

But for some reason life just won't stop for me and let me do that.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


When I first started writing this blog, I imagined 10 or 20 of my closest friends and family would read it. It just so happens that I have a couple of very internet-famous friends, and last I checked my stats, a couple hundred of you are reading this everyday. This is great! Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be out there (which is why I'm staying anonymous) in the hopes of hearing words of wisdom from those going through it or that someone might take something I say here and find it helpful in their own situation.

But last night? I had THAT dream. You know, the one where you're walking everywhere naked and everyone is staring at you. I think it was prompted by my last statcounter check ;)

I have NEVER been one to talk about my feelings to anyone. Maybe my closest friends, and even then I would censor myself based on what I thought they wanted to hear. I'm that girl, the people pleaser. Ugh I hate that. So this is SO liberating to me! I feel like a new person, just knowing that I'm putting myself out there (albeit anonymously).

I had a sad moment last night when I looked at my toothbrush and realized that it needed to be replaced. Why is this sad, you wonder? My husband is a hygiene freak and would always replace my toothbrush for me exactly every 6 months. The last time he replaced it was just before he left. It's been six months.

Another little pothole in the road. I will go out and buy myself another damn toothbrush, just like I started taking out the trash myself, getting into the attic, and other things I never did before he left. It's true, I married very young, straight from my parents' house to living with my husband, and had never taken my own trash out before. 32 years old. Isn't that crazy to think about? I just always saw it as his job. The first time I did it myself, I thought, What the HELL have I been so scared of? You draw the bag, you toss it in the dumpster, end of story! Sheesh.

I feel like I'm the poster child for why you shouldn't marry young. You skip right over the part of learning not only who you are, but how to take care of yourself. I went straight from being cared for to taking care of others, and never learned how to take care of me. How in the world can you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with, when you don't know who you are? I'm not saying it never works out when people marry young, but it just makes it so much harder. I was definetly finding myself during my marriage, but at such a slow pace that it would have taken me 30 more years to do the work of a few years on my own.

I also had a little epiphany this weekend. I went out with my brother and his wife a couple of nights ago and had a GREAT time (as I always do with them). We actually ended up at a restaurant at 3am and sat next to a guy I was attracted to. He turned around and struck up a conversation with us and eventually, he and I were flirting so heavily that I thought my brother might strike him. (or it could have been that I was keeping him from bed, or both). I chalked it up to, it feels SO GOOD to know that I am still attractive to guys.

I grinned and grinned about that the whole way home and the whole next day. But then I realized that this is exactly why the experts all tell you to wait at least a year before you date again. I was desperate for a guy's validation that I am good enough to want (although I didn't really realize that until the attention came). I am not saying that that shouldn't feel good, but I could definetly feel that I was tiptoeing that line of needing it too much, of placing TOO MUCH value on it. I need to love myself enough to know that any guy would be lucky to have me before I actually get out there again. Otherwise, I am right back where I started with my husband, same shit different day.

And I feel myself moving in that direction now. I can feel that this is the right direction. My doubts are lessening, my future seems brighter everyday.

Either that or my antidepressants are working REALLY well ;)

Monday, January 19, 2009


This week has been one for the record books. For one week straight, I have felt better MORE than I have felt bad. That is a huge accomplishment, right?!

If you come across this blog and you are going through a divorce, and you listen to one thing and one thing only that I say here: LET OTHERS HELP YOU.

It has been the turning point for me, and I'm starting to realize that. My instinct when things first went bad was to a) hide out from society and b) put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine. I remember going to visit my OB/GYN a week after we separated, and he asked how things were going. My OB knew of everything between my husband and I because I was 8 months pregnant when things first fell apart, and due to the stress had to be hospitalized for preterm labor. He and my therapist were the only people I told at the time. I didn't know what I was going to do, and I didn't want anyone to judge my decision regardless. So anyways, a week after we separated, I went in for my annual exam, and he asked how everything was going.

"We just separated, after 2 years of trying to make it work." (trying not to look too sad)

He asked me, "And how are you doing with it?"

"FINE! Oh, just FINE! No problem!"

"Do you need anything to help you through this, medication?"


I remember leaving there wondering why the hell I keep telling everyone that I am fine. When so clearly I am not. (and I knew by the look on his face that he didn't buy it either)

It became exhausting keeping up that front. Part of me didn't want people fussing over me and worrying about me. Part of me didn't want to admit it was happening. Part of me did not want to burden the person asking, and thanks to my low self-esteem, didn't think the person asking REALLY wanted to know anyways.

After awhile, I tested it out on close friends. They would ask how I was, casually, and I would actually say, "Ya know, not so great. This sucks". Eventually, after I got to a point where I couldn't even get out of bed, I finally even called someone and said "I need help, I can't do this." And THAT was my turning point.

And now that I'm open to that help, friends are calling and asking me to come out. They're opening my eyes to new things and people and AMAZING new friendships have come into my life. My relationship with my family has improved and I just don't have that awful I AM ALONE IN THIS WORLD feeling anymore. I opened my mind to thinking that people may actually care about me, and guess what....they DO!

And another thing was, when people asked how they could help, I really honestly didn't know. I do know that this work of finding myself can only be done by me. I can't expect anyone else to fix things for me, I can't rush into a new relationship with some guy on a seemingly white horse and make me feel good about myself again, I can't have people come over and take the trash out for me every night or handle the tough questions from my kids. But just knowing that I can email or call my friends when I'm in a bad place and just say "God this hurts right now" and they will support me and say they love me. Or being invited to movies or dinner, or offering to help with a home project, or letting me NOT talk about it and making me laugh. Just saying "You're doing the right thing". Those are the ways that others have helped me the most.

I think I might finally be seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. It's scary, because letting go of the pain means letting go of my husband. I know, seems like a no brainer, right? But like I told my friends today, our relationship lasted 12 years and produced three amazing kids...I need to respect my marriage and what was good about it and who I was then enough to take the time to let it go, too. My instincts have been dead on up until this point, it's in my best interest to keep listening to them...and the more I do that, the easier it is to hear them.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Hooray for planning ahead!!

I may actually be getting the hang of this whole being alone thing (as in, without my kids when they are with their dad)

This entire week I filled up my alone time with dinners, lunches, and movies with friends. Normally by Sunday I feel so alone and in my own head that I can hardly function. Today I feel refreshed, loved, and even a little happy!

Last night a close friend and I got all dressed up and hit the town. It has been so long since I have been on the scene around here that I had to get another uber-cool friend to tell me everywhere to go, and she was dead on. We ate at a restaurant that has such a huge word of mouth following that at 6pm there was already a 2.5 hour wait (thus our reason for eating at the bar). Great cocktails, fun conversation, good food. And then, also prompted by my in-the-know friend, we hit a bar uptown. Since we are "old" we actually got there at 8:30 and found a table to sit at. By around 10 the place was full of people and it was a fun atmosphere.

I hadn't actually sat down and chatted with this particular friend since my separation and it was nice to have an outlet. She and her husband were our closest "couple" friends before we separated, and I was definetly worried about losing them. After last night I am reassured that that will not happen and I am so relieved.

Since we were in a little table in the corner we could safely check out all of the guys coming in and out, and after a few cocktails I even found myself talking to a couple of them (although as I have said before, I wasn't remotely interested--just felt good to realize that the male species may still be interested in me after all these years. I even tested one by telling him I had three kids, and he didn't get up and run from the table like I thought he would. It didn't seem to phase him)

And then I jammed to my favorite CD the whole way home and fell into bed alone, but a happy girl. A nice counter to the way I was feeling only the day before!

Speaking of the day before, after the online incident, I was forced to see my husband the next morning (yesterday morning, before I went out) at my daughter's soccer game. Not only him, but his mother too. During the game I at least had my dad and stepmother in between us, but afterwards, my daughter wanted us to all go eat breakfast together, and somehow I ended up sitting directly across from my husband. It is so easy, in his presence, to forget all the wrong he has done me. Something about the familiarity of being with him, it seems almost impossible that it could have been him hurting me. I kept having to remind myself of the venom he had posted about our relationship just a day earlier. I have to force myself to be angry at him. Is that weird?????

His mother even made a comment to me at breakfast about how I should join this weight loss program with her. Now, I'm not big...and I've lost 12 lbs in the last 2 weeks anyways, but only in an effort to be "hot". I don't have much more to go before I'm my teenage size again. But I'm used to comments like this from her and from her family. Not just weight loss, but anything negative. It's like they all project their insecurities onto everyone around them. I just nodded my head politely, and my Dad's wife looked appalled and spoke up--"She is ALREADY too thin, don't you dare sign her up for that!!!" Maybe someday I will be at a place where I don't have to have other people stick up for me, and I will be able to do it myself. Another goal to add to the list!!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Rough end to a good week.

Towards the end of this week, I started thinking about how it might be safe to start missing my husband a little. It's an authentic feeling, it doesn't mean that I would change anything or that I want him back, but I felt like maybe I was in a safe place to start feeling those feelings. Missing the way he would hug me with my arms tucked into his chest, missing how it felt to sleep with our feet tangled together, those sorts of things. Inviting those feelings back in required me to let my guard down a little. Necessary, but risky.

This afternoon I stumbled across something he had posted online about our relationship. There is a social website he posts on and sometimes when I miss him, I read what he is writing just to feel like I'm still in his life a little. It's usually about food or politics or whatnot. Today, he decided to speak about an argument he and I used to have. In essence, he was making fun of me, and another girl was obviously in on it with him, like it was an inside joke between the two of them.

First came the waves of anger. I wanted to bash his head in. Here I have been fondly remembering our private lives together and missing him, and he is publicly mocking everything that we had and reducing it to nothing. I just can't, in my head, wrap my mind around who he was versus who he is now. My rock, my strength, my safety and security, my safest outlet, all these continually negating everything we had and causing me further pain. Obviously he caused me pain for us to end up separated in the first place, but he was always sorry...remorseful...he had me believing that throughout it all he still loved me. I guess that even though I know I can't be with him, it hurt a little less to think that he still loves me. Maybe the guy isn't capable of it. I don't know. But all I know is that it hurt like hell and I felt so stabbed in the back.

I had to immediately email my circle of friends for support. I couldn't hold back the tears and just wanted to hear that I wasn't crazy and that this sucks. Of course they validated my feelings and I felt so much better. I really don't know what I would do right now without my friends. Leaning on them is going to get me through this, I just know it.

How do you ever trust again after someone you trust with so much of yourself can be so careless with your feelings and your life together? To see our relationship mocked and disrespected...12 years together...three children...secrets told to only each other...sacrifices made...I gave this my all and I just can't see myself ever putting myself in this kind of "danger" again. I will NEVER GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

I talked about this with my therapist a little last night and she assures me that if I continue to work on myself, I will recognize warning signs and red flags ahead of time. I hope so. I would rather be alone forever than live through this agony again.

Lessons learned today:
1. It's time to let go of my husband, completely. No more reading what he has to say.
2. I need to channel this anger into making me the best I can be (thanks to my friends for that line of wisdom)
3. Leaning on my friends is going to get me through this.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Today I was invited to lunch by one of my assistants who has become a very close friend. We haven't seen each other since I've been on break and I missed her so much. Everytime I am with her it's like she is an angel sent to help me. She just always knows exactly what to say and do, either to pull me out of a slump or send me in the right direction. I am so blessed to have her in my life.

She divorced from her husband several years ago and although is now remarried to a wonderful man, has been in my shoes and knows exactly what I am going through right now. She reassures me that I am doing the healthy thing by exploring all my feelings and taking my time with decisions. She opens my eyes to truths in ways I had never thought of before. She listens to me with the understanding that only someone else who has been there can.

She brought my Christmas present with her today. It's weird because I truly do think she is an angel. Every prayer I've sent up seems to come back with an answer through her. Over Christmas one of the things that made me very sad was that I had no one to get me that special, thoughtful gift. Don't get me wrong. I loved everything from all of my family and my kids did make me Build A Bears :) , but it was sad to me that I didn't have that one very special gift, the one you get from your signifigant other that was bought with YOU in mind. I tried not to think about it too much.

Also, over the last few weeks, I have been on the hunt for some sort of book about divorce and separation. I had no idea what in the world that would be but I knew that after several nights squatting in the self help section for hours at Barnes and Noble, I could not find one. I bought a couple of books but neither were "it".

So in walks my friend today with a late Christmas gift, and it is not only extremely thoughtful (she filled it with my favorite drink in the world, Izze...that only someone who really knew me would know that) but on top of the Izze was The Book. Like I said, I had no idea that a book like this even existed. But it is Happily Ever After written by Lance Armstrong's ex-wife. It is an uplifting, daily devotional written from the experience and perspective of someone who has been in my shoes and come out on the other side a stronger person. Within reading the first three paragraphs, I knew it was exactly what I had been looking for and exactly what I needed. I can't wait to dig into it.

So although I am not an extremely religious person, I have to believe that God not only exists but put my friend in my life for a reason. Not just her, but all my friends. Each has been a separate support for me and without them I would not make it through this. There are friends who make me laugh when I need it, friends who make me go to yoga, friends who make sure I don't eat out alone, friends who distract me from my life, friends who just listen, friends who indulge my awful taste in music because they know it makes me feel better, friends who organize my life, friends who offer their spare bedrooms just so I can get away, and friends who know what I need even when I don't. But never has it been more evident to me than today, just how important my friends are.

I know you guys are all reading this now and please know that every single one of you have been instrumental in keeping me getting up out of bed each morning, each in your own way. I really feel so blessed. When I think back to all the wrong that has been done to me and I get angry at God for allowing it to happen, I am starting to feel like maybe this makes up a little for it. I may have lost my husband, but look at all the friends who have stepped up and shown me what true friendship really is...I am humbled.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Shakin' it up.

Well today I did what I would probably consider one of the very first things on my list of "finding me". I have done yoga for years, at home in my living room, and not regularly. I do remember using it regularly during my last pregnancy to relieve preterm contractions. I had noticed the effects of using it and talked my dr into letting me try that regularly instead of going on medication again (such as in my previous pregnancy) and it worked like a charm. I knew for sure then how powerful it was and so it has been on the forefront of my brain lately since I have been so miserable and stressed.

I thought about joining a class but chickened out and bought another home DVD instead. It of course sat in my room untouched, and so my best friend talked me into coming to one at the gym we both belong to. So today was the day. I am really, really intimidated coming into new situations (again, didn't used to be me??? why am I like this now?) and was absolutely terrified. I waited for her out in the freezing cold because I refused to walk in alone. Within 30 seconds of walking in I knewI was going to love it. Everyone was friendly and RELAXED. There were all different levels of skill (I have mild scoliosis and therefore incredibly inflexible, and was worried about looking like a moron). Within the first few minutes with the instructor I was completely at ease and inside my own body, all thoughts of stress and life were out the window. For the first time in 2 years I felt completely at ease. Being in the class with other women gave me a feeling of comraderie and understanding that you don't experience with a DVD. Having my closest friend by my side was even more comforting. I kept up pretty well and felt SO AMAZING afterwards. I just noticed that I have not been grinding my teeth today. That is the first time in months!!! Today was stressful but I feel like starting it out that way made the stress so much easier to handle. I am so glad I went and can't wait to go back next week.

Last night I had a nightmare. I have always had nightmares, very vivid dreams that wake me up in tears or scared to death. I am not even sure what the nightmare was about anymore, but I woke up terrified. It is the first one I have had like that since my husband left. I started crying immediately because it was the first time that not having the comfort and safety of him next to me really, really hurt. It sucks being alone in bed, like a long, panging sadness, but this was sudden and scary and I just wanted him next to me so badly. On those nights where I had nightmares I would snuggle up to his arm and just smell his skin and know that I was home in my own bed. I really, really miss that.

And then there was tonight at a PTA dinner. Twice, the well meaning question: "So, you have the kids alone tonight?" My heart stops and I I answer the question honestly at risk of scaring the person to death? Again, not to keep comparing this to death although it is a death of sorts, but this happened to me all the time after we lost our baby. "How many children do you have?" was the worst question you could ask me for years. A well meaning, totally innocent conversation starter where I had to choose between honoring the truth of my situation or making the person asking the question feel comfortable.

So those were the two low points this week. But I've felt joy a few times this week and I haven't felt joy for months. I was being totally goofy with my kids (singing an "old" song at the top of my lungs to embarrass them) and giggling like a little girl, and then again at yoga today. That's a big step for me, feeling joyous again.

I also have my entire "alone" times for the week filled up completely with friends. What a relief!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Denial, but today didn't suck.

Yes, today did not suck. I felt ok today, somewhat on an upward trend I hope. Weekdays tend to be easier for me anyways. I am in the normal routine of everyday life, just as it was before the separation. I wake up alone, yes. I get the kids ready for school, my husband comes by to take them to school, and then the day is the same as it was before the separation. I realized today that this is the Denial phase of my grief.

I was out doing the usual routine and for a split second had the urge to call my husband and tell him something. I've heard that similar things happen to those who are grieving the death of someone close. I realized that during the weekday, my head is still in the same place...he's just at work, I'll see him tonight. Then 5:30 rolls around and everything sinks in a little bit. I'm the only one making dinner, I'm the only one rounding everyone up, I'm the only one doing dishes, the only one doing bedtimes. I'm responsible for remembering to get all the bills paid and making sure the trash goes down on the right night (I've forgotten so many times already). I. am. alone.

I feel good about all I've been able to accomplish on my own so far, of course, this is all about to change. I'm self-employed and have been on an extended leave from work (more than 4 weeks now). I was supposed to start again today and just couldn't make myself do it. I just now got the whole single motherhood thing down WITHOUT having to work, and just barely. I still feel like I'm losing my mind a lot of the time. I haven't worked without his help, ever. Before my 4 week leave he was still coming over every night to help with baths and such, before he had his own apartment. That's not going to happen anymore.

I'm trying to open my mind up to some solutions and I think adding another day of childcare for my youngest is going to have to happen. I feel so sick about this. I have been lucky enough to be around for my children during the day and work at night but that was only possible because of his presence here. I'm not going to have the energy to stay up late working anymore now that it is all on my shoulders. And now that I've given my children my undivided attention for 4 weeks, I just can't let that go, at least I want it in the evenings still.

Then guess what....the angry phase is back upon me when I realize that life isn't the way it used to be. Why is this happening to me? I am mad at everyone, from God to him to myself to my parents to society in general.

On another note, I'm taking a sort of baby step tomorrow by attending my first yoga class. Yoga is something my therapist has recommended to me to ease my anxiety and stress level. I have DVD's and did prenatal yoga all through my last pregnancy because it actually alleviated preterm contractions (all the oxygen? I don't know). I'm pretty familiar with it but never been to an actual class. I am sort of a loner, not a joiner by any means, but I LOVE making friends. I know, wierd combo. A yoga class was on my unofficial but soon to be official list of things I want to do/try now to help find myself. I think having a teacher to answer to each week is going to help keep me accountable too.

Soon I'm going to be compiling a list of things I want to try to help me find myself again. On days like today I feel good enough to start thinking about the things I think will be fun for me. So I'm going to start a list in a separate post of things I love, used to love, or want to try. If you read this and have any ideas for me please let me know, I am totally open to suggestions!

I'll be adding to the list as I go so it will be a constant work in progress as I learn new things about myself.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I felt strong today.

Something else that totally amazes me about this whole process is the constant drama. No matter how hard he and I both try and avoid it, I guess it is just inevitable with so many feelings stirred up, not just by he and I but by our children as well.

Around noon I was out eating lunch (alone, again) when my phone rang. I was thrilled to hear my oldest child on the other end, calling to tell me he just missed me and wanted to talk. Something our counselor told us to do to help our children was to let them know that when they were with one parent, that they were allowed anytime to call the other parent. But then my son started telling me how much he wanted to come home. He was furious at his father for this and that and told me about how my husband had watched an "inappropriate" (his word) movie in front of them last night. He missed me and he just wanted to come home, and he didn't want to be with Daddy anymore. I have to admit to being absolutely stumped on what to say. My instinct of course is to protect my children, and to say "I'll be right there", swoop them up and and whisk them home. But I wasn't sure that that was the best thing so I just listened to him and acknowledged his feelings. Then he put my 6 year old daughter on the line and she informed me that Daddy had spanked her for misbehaving. I don't spank. Maybe once or twice in my kids entire lives in situations where they were in danger, but I don't think it works and my husband would never do it, even though he didn't agree with me. She went on as well about how much she missed me and wanted to come home. I asked her to put my husband on the phone and asked him to tell me what in the world was going on.

Long story short, it is obvious that he is exhausted and not knowing how to handle the children (this after only having them alone for 24 hours). I am the first to say that he is a good father and I do believe it, he loves them, he does. But he has never appreciated the work it takes to be a good parent, an informed parent, a parent who does what is best for the child, not what is easiest or what will make them like you more. Anyways, I hear it in his voice, he is at his end with them. I tell him to just hug them and start over and that everything will be ok.

My entire Sunday, the only entire day I have without the kids, is spent planning meals for the week and grocery shopping. About two hours after my initial phone call with the kids, he is calling and saying that the kids are begging to come home and he will be there with them at 5. (After dinner and baths, 8pm, is our agreed time). Now, I miss my kids of course. But I'm thinking, c' I get to just take them to someone else when things get hard? NO! I tell him that no, I won't be there, I've just gotten started on getting things done, and 5pm won't work. He says "Oh no, I'll just stay there with them and take care of them". I almost give into this, but wait....NO. This is my home, this is my time off. What if I want to just sit in my living room and relax after my grocery shopping? Even if he is caring for them, my space will be chaotic and full of tension if that happens. So, no, that's not going to work.

I could go on and on about my husband and his issues and why he is behaving this way. But the focus of this blog is me, and I have to say, that I am proud of myself today for sticking with my boundaries. I care for these kids night and day and was spending my day off grocery shopping for them. I did for a moment feel selfish that they wanted to come home and I wouldn't let them, but it's best that they learn the boundaries too and that they can't dictate the rules. Right?????? (going to have to consult with my therapist on that one this week)

But I listened to my instincts and felt good about not being a doormat today.

Maybe I was recharged after a night out with my brother and sister in law last night. The two of them together are the perfect balance of empathy and humor, and between fun conversations at dinner and seeing "Yes Man", I laughed and laughed and felt so good afterwards. Maybe that translated into something today. Another lesson for me. I need to find more ways to laugh.

I'm getting to that, I sware.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ripping off a Band Aid

Today I decided to rip off a big band aid that has been looming over me for a month now. I decided to go and see my husband's apartment for the first time. I am not sure what I was expecting, but it was not this.

For one thing, it's new and beautiful. He has granite countertops, cherrywood cabinets, and brand new appliances. He has a huge jacuzzi tub and giant windows. It's nicer and more updated than our home. It's spacious, has new carpet, and the kids love it. They gave me the grand tour.

He has brand new furniture, and it's pretty sleek and modern. 10 years ago before we had kids, it would have made a nice little love nest for the two of us. Now, it's his Goddamn bachelor pad.

I had to leave and forgot to even kiss my kids goodbye. I couldn't leave fast enough. I felt dizzy and nauseous. It made it all so real. My husband lives in an apartment. I live alone in my house. How did this happen? How did the man I love, who was with me holding my hand through our children's births, who stood with me and vowed to love me and be faithful to me in front of God, become a stranger? Or, an acquaintance? How is this even possible?

It would be so much easier to hate him, and after the things he has done and the decisions he has made, I should. And sometimes I do. But I just can't make the two emotions go together. I have always envisioned growing old with him. Traveling together after our children grow up. He is my source of comfort and security, as well as a source of unimaginable pain and anguish. I just can't wrap my head around it all.

But I do remain certain that as much as it hurts, this is how it has to be. (Maybe he should be living in a crappy run down low rent apartment to make it all seem more fair, but that's just me)

Has anyone ever seen "The Story of Us" with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis? It is currently in rotation on the Lifetime Movie Network. It is such a real representation of the separation process and the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm not even sure how it ends, if they end up together or not, but I couldn't believe how dead on the portrayal of the "break" is.

Tonight is one of the nights that I thought ahead and made plans with family to see a movie and have dinner, and I think I will go and sleep until then. This has just been a little too much today.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Rollercoaster

The thing that has been the most jarring part of this entire experience is the range of emotions. Years ago I lost a baby and experienced indescribable grief that I still feel to this day. The grief of losing my marriage is definetly grief, but a totally different kind.

I go from feeling strong, good about my decisions and my future, to moments later feeling complete and total despair. Then maybe that will send me into total panic and anxiety, which honestly I am feeling 100% of the time on some level anyways. I haven't stopped grinding my teeth for weeks, it never ends. My jaw is so tired and I have tried relaxation techniques but I go right back to it, especially at night. My muscles are always tense and I always feel uncomfortable, no matter what I am doing.

Then maybe I will be triggered and shoot straight into complete and total ANGER and even RAGE. My life was NOT supposed to be this. I had it all and it has been taken away beyond my control. I even get mad at myself for still feeling love or empathy towards my husband, all in the same moment. I've been trying to let the anger go as much as possible. Over the last few weeks I felt myself becoming THAT woman, the angry bitter ex. I know that for awhile I do have to experience the anger because it is part of the grieving process, but my goal is to feel it then let it go. I hate how toxic it feels to be mad all the time. And believe me, in the situation I am in, it has been REALLY hard not to be bitter and angry.

For one thing, I have been left to raise three young children on my own. My husband is a really good father, very attentive and loving. He wants to see the kids everyday. He offers to help and was coming over every evening for a good while to help put them to bed and give baths, make lunches. But this just couldn't last. It wasn't worth it. We were still together constantly and that is defeating the purpose of the separation, to be SEPARATE. So even though I have a best case scenario as far as the co-parent, I am still the one who always gets up with the baby in the middle of the night. I'm the one who nurses our sick dog through her episodes at 3am. I'm the one who makes breakfast lunch and dinner, does all the grocery shopping, everything is on my shoulders for 90% of the week. The alternative? To see my kids less and have them live with him more of the time, or even give up custody? NEVER. It's worth it and I get that. But I still get so angry at him for the decisions he made and putting me in this situation to begin with.

And then there are the moments of complete and utter despair. These usually hit me when the kids have left and are with him. The other day I found his wedding ring in my drawer. I have no idea why he put it there and didn't tell me about it, but it sent me plunging into sadness. I haven't seen that ring off of his finger unless he was making meatloaf for 11 years. Seeing the clothes slowly disappearing from his side of the closet. Finding his things around the house. Sometimes an email from him that discusses details of our separation (finance, bills, etc) will send me over the edge. Also, I am not used to having to plan my weekends ahead of time, so many weekends or evenings where he has the kids have snuck up on me and I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm learning to think ahead and ask friends or family to get together. But the nights when I don't plan ahead and find myself alone in the house or go out to dinner alone are the absolute worst. I try and make the best of it but it just still feels so bizarre not to have a partner. It's like learning to live without a limb. It makes me aware of the gaping hole that has been left behind. This has been a good lesson for me though, because I realize that I was not a whole person before. I think I was definetly better off than he was, I have found myself somewhat over our 11 years of marriage (we married very young), but there is still so far to go. These nights I usually will climb into bed and not move for hours and hours, sometimes I will sleep, sometimes I will cry until I pass out from exhaustion.

Nighttime is the worst. During the day I can at least fill my mind with tv or internet or work or the kids or friends. Most nights I fall asleep with the tv on, on purpose, just because the worst moment of the entire day without a doubt is turning that tv off and being quiet, in the dark, in our bed, alone. Going out to eat alone is the second worst. I don't know if it's just where I live (suburbia, bordering on Stepford) but everywhere I look are couples. Now common sense tells me that with a more than 50% divorce rate, they can't all be happy married couples. I know this. But it is still hard to see. I had a moment just before our separation when I had the choice to confront my husband about our marriage. Do I go on and pretend it is all ok, just so I don't have to be alone? Or do I do the authentic thing and face this, knowing I will end up alone? I chose to face this and sitting alone in a restaurant is the natural consequence of that choice, and one I will take. Nonetheless, it is really hard and I have spent more than one meal holding back tears.

Then there are days when I am starting to feel hopeful about the future. Not about dating or meeting anyone new, that is sooooo completely out of my range of sight and I don't know that I will ever be there. But just the possibility of figuring out who I am and what I love. I think about trying new things and having certain freedoms I didn't have before, including the empowerment of stupid things like taking out my own trash, or fixing something around the house. These moments are still few and far between, but they are there and I hope that soon they will be my norm. Thus the title of my blog, Desperately Seeking Me.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The purpose of my writing, AKA, my mission statement

About two years ago, my world crumbled when I discovered my marriage was not what I thought. It just so happens that at this time, I was 8 months pregnant with our third child and not exactly in the state of mind to make any type of life changing decisions.

For two years I worked my ass off to save my marriage. I had to know that I could look my children in the eye someday and tell them that I had tried EVERYTHING to keep our family together. Finally, this past summer, it became crystal clear that things were not working, and something had to change. We separated just after our 11th anniversary.

For the sake of those involved, especially my children, I will remain anonymous and try to steer clear of details when I can. This blog is to help me with my own perspective on what is happening to me, what has happened over the past 11 years with my husband, and also to offer a possible guidance to someone in the future who may be going through this same situation.

At this moment the "D" word has not yet been mentioned, however, I can't imagine a scenario that would warrant me allowing my husband back into our home at this point. I am slowly and painfully discovering that you cannot force someone to change, for yourself, or even for your children. It is beyond devastating to realize that someone has that much control over my own future. I wish I could make him see...but I am starting to realize that he may never, or at least, not in a timeframe that works for me.

I go to counseling weekly with a therapist who has helped me immensely. I think back to the person I was 2 years ago when this all began, and although I don't always feel it, I can't believe how strong I have become. I was so weak and scared, and thanks to therapy feel as though I might actually get through this. Someday.

Although we separated this past summer, it's important to know that the separation did not feel real to me until very recently. My husband and I were so co-dependent that our separation at first just felt like he was sleeping somewhere else. We still spent weekends together and he came and went freely from our home, even though he was technically living elsewhere. We had to tear our grips from each other slowly. Only this past month did he actually get his own place, and that sent me into the first stage of grief. And GRIEF is where I am at right now. Ugly, disgusting, rip your heart out grief.

Eventually, when I am feeling a little better, I want to focus this blog on finding myself again. I feel as though I am at the beginning of THAT movie, you know, every chick flick where Girl Loves Boy, Boy Dumps Girl unexpectedly, Girl drinks herself into oblivion before she has that "A HA" moment--she skydives even though she's afraid of heights, or she cuts her hair or gets a tatoo or discovers that she should design handbags or something, cue happy ending. No, I'm not drinking myself into oblivion, but last weekend I slept until 4pm two days in a row. Most days I find it painful to get myself out of bed. My emotions are on a rollercoaster ride from hell. But the good news? I can at least see that there WILL be a happy ending. At least right now at this moment I do. Ask me again tomorrow and who the hell knows.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


  1. Love to listen to music, all sorts but especially cheesy pop
  2. I sing. Get a few drinks in me and I will tear up a karaoke stage. I was in choir in high school and was very serious about it. I miss it, a lot. This may shock people who actually know me (the karaoke part) because I can be pretty shy.
  3. Although I'm not great at it, I love to dance. When I was younger, I used to club 5 nights a week. Not for meeting guys or drinking, but because I LOVE to dance. The louder the music, the better.
  4. I love rollercoasters with all my heart. This is a bittersweet one because it's something my husband and I enjoyed together. Our goal in life was to ride every major roller coaster in the U.S. by the time we died. We did a major one together by riding the Cyclone together at Coney Island this summer, 2 weeks before we split.
  5. I grew up going to church and I feel so good when I'm there, but because I worked at one for years I can't make myself go on Sunday mornings.
  6. I have discovered that "revenge" is the motivation I needed to get myself in shape. I've lost a few pounds already and plan to get my hair and makeup made over very soon. About 6 weeks after I found out the truth about my marriage, I went from blonde to brunette. My husband has always loved me as a blonde and would protest everytime I said I wanted to try something new. I did it and felt so liberated, and have never gone back.
  7. My job is a passion that I made into a career, and I feel myself getting more and more burnt out on it each year. I want to find a way to make it fun again.
  8. I love concerts. That one needs repeating. I LOVE CONCERTS.
  9. I am dying to remodel my kitchen.
  10. New York City is my favorite place in the entire world. I visited there three times last year. If I did not have children I would be living there, somehow.
  11. On another NYC note, I ADORE BROADWAY PLAYS. If I could snap my fingers and be someone else for a day, it would be the lead in a Broadway musical.
  12. I think I might be good at basketball but have never played on a team.
  13. I'm terrified of flying. Actually, not all the flying, just the liftoff, and any turbulence.
  14. I am clueless about fashion.
  15. I love food. Again, another sore subject. My husband and I are foodies and were constantly trying new restaurants together.
  16. I hoard money. I could probably be living in a much nicer house, driving a much nicer car.
  17. I used to run. I absolutely LOVE running. But I have achilles tendonitis in one ankle and I can't run anymore.
  18. I love movies. I don't get to see many in the theater because of the kids, so I rent them like crazy on weekends. After we split I started using my weekday night off to go and see movies by myself and it is my greatest indulgence.
  19. I love pedicures. And manicures. And massages. But I rarely ever treat myself to them. I feel guilty. Guilty for spending the money, guilty for pampering myself.
  20. There was a time when I was younger that I could look anyone in the face and smile at them. I remember the day that I realized it. I smiled without thinking at someone at school who was notorious for being a bitch. She smiled right back at me and I had kind of a breakthrough moment...I had self esteem!!! How many young girls can say that? But over the years, that has completely disappeared. I can't look strangers in the eyes much less smile at them. What has happened to that girl???? I should be proud of myself for all that I have accomplished and who I am. I don't know where my confidence has gone.
  21. My twenties were tumultuous and extraordinary. I got married at 21. I lost my first baby just months later. I gave birth to two of my children. I donated bone marrow to a 17 year old with leukemia. My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage. I came down with a mystery illness that left me in the hospital for a month. I quit a safe, comfortable position to start my own business and follow my dreams. I bought our house. And finally, ending just before my 30th birthday with the beginning of the end of my marriage, and weeks later my third child was born.
  22. I have never tried drugs, not even pot.
  23. I love to read novels but because of my job, never have time. On my 4 week break I have read 4 novels and 2 self help books. I used to run a book club but had to give it up.
  24. I love pajamas, all sorts. I love to be comfortable. I buy myself pj's sometimew when I'm having a bad day so I can have them to look forward to that night. I also buy myself comfy pillows for the same reason.
  25. I would love to completely redecorate my bedroom so it doesn't seem so much like the same bedroom I shared with my husband. I feel like I can't or shouldn't because my daughters both need new beds.
  26. One of my biggest hang ups is asking for help. I hate it so much that I will lie and say that I'm fine even though I'm feeling like death. This is a result of a marriage where asking for things meant weakness.
  27. If I won the lottery I'd adopt 2 more children.
  28. If I didn't have to work I'd love to volunteer with children somehow.
  29. I had three guy friends in high school that I loved so dearly and would give anything to find them. I have tried but for some reason none of them are on any of the social networking sites. I wouldn't have made it through high school without the three of them.
  30. I took piano lessons for years and enjoyed it. I have a deep love to this day for classical music.
  31. I love to rollerskate. I think it is the closest a human can get to feeling like we're flying.
  32. I used to ride horses in high school.
  33. Yoga makes me feel relaxed and content.

more being added as I figure it out...