Saturday, January 24, 2009

Another rough night.

I was fine until I came home to my empty house and started to let my mind wander over to what my husband is doing tonight...seeing "our" band, listening to "our" songs, reliving those days when we were happy and when I thought we'd be together forever.

I was at my Dad's, which is distraction enough I thought. Then I came home and the songs came flooding into my head, and then the memories of us singing those songs together, side by side at the top of our lungs together, either in the car listening to our cd or in a crowded, smoky concert. We even had his and hers t-shirts that we wore proudly. What happened to us? How did we get from there to here?

And why is he seemingly not bothered by it? I can't believe he would just be at that show with some random friend and not be the least bit affected. But, hey...isn't that why we were separated in the first place...I hold the marriage WAY up here and he held it signifigantly lower.

This morning at my daughter's soccer game, he was there and holding my youngest's hand. She almost fell and I yelled from instinct "HONEY!" to get his attention. Can you say, A-W-K-W-A-R-D??

This whole separation is like untying the biggest knot ever. The two of us have this life together of 12 years and history, and now we have to pull apart, but each little piece of it takes such effort and time and emotion. 12 years is a long time.

I wish I had planned tonight better so I wouldn't be here alone with my thoughts. I have been so distracted by my Dad's situation that these things are just slipping right past me. And with the distraction I guess I didn't think this would even come into my mind but yet here it is, sitting on me like a 2 ton weight.

I hope the band sucks tonight. There.

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