Friday, January 30, 2009

I'm Broken.

The news was not good today. It wasn't devastating, but it wasn't good.

The short story is that my dad needs to have an operation on an inoperable brain tumor. Specialists are being called. Only a few doctors in the country have the expertise to perform the surgery he needs.

I didn't want to leave my Dad at that hospital today. He was with my brother and my sister-in-law and his wife and her family, but I didn't want to leave him. I'm so scared, I'm so angry, I can't wrap my brain around this. I didn't want to come home and not have anyone with me to get me through this.

My husband called to ask what the results were. I gave him as many details as I could come up with considering my state of mind. He just continued to be "positive" and assure me that it would all be fine. I end up feeling like we are arguing because it's like he's trying to force me to feel fine when it's NOT FINE.

Later in the day I felt muscle weakness and started to worry. I have a history of serious illness caused in part by intense stress, muscle weakness being the first sign. I called my husband just at the end of my rope. I asked him if he could please just come to dinner with us and help me get them fed and back home. I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to bring anything home because then there would be a mess, I just wanted to get out of the house, stuff their little faces with someone's help wrangling them, and put them to bed. My Dad would be the first person I called to help me with this but obviously, that was not happening tonight. It was a desperate move.

He said that yes, he could meet us, but he'd have to leave by 8. He was going to see a band tonight. Another band that we used to see together. A band that people dance to. Who was he going with, I was curious...wondering if he had hooked back up with the friends who used to go with us? "Just some friends" which I knew meant women, because if it were anyone else he would have just said names (I asked, and I was right). So now I have a mental image in my head of him going dancing with a bunch of girls, likely drinking too much and hooking up with one, which he can now easily because he has his own place, on top of what has happened to me all day....

I tell him to forget it, his presence will just make it worse, sorry I asked, and hung up the phone.

I've been telling myself that although somewhere inside I knew we weren't going to get back together, some little piece of me was still holding on, unable to say OK it's time to file for divorce. I knew that I would know when the time was right.

Tonight was that night. It's time to get on with it. The fact that he could be so insensitive and selfish after the day I had today with my dad, someone he loves as much as his OWN father, was enough to do it for me. I deserve better.

It also dawned on me that the reason he has been so "positive" about my dad's condition: he feels guilty for not being there for me, so he's trying to minimalize the situation. For his own head.

I cannot continue to be married to someone like that. I know that I have known it, but now I KNOW it.

I am broken, my friends. I am low, I am scared, I am ANGRY, and I just don't know if I can take it anymore. How much can one person be expected to get through?

What can I do about it? I don't know. Just try and make it through this moment I guess, and then the next one. I've lost faith completely. I'm beaten to a pulp.


  1. When my mom was at her lowest (twice in my life) she broke her life down into hours. She would figure out what she had to accomplish in the next hour and tackle that. Once she finished that, she would look to the next hour. That's what you will do, move from one task to the next and keep moving forward. You will do this because you are a strong woman. You have already been through so much in your life, you will also get thru this.

    I will pray for you & your dad. Your kids can come hang at my house anytime. If you need anything, just ask, or email, or something. I'm just one of many friends that love you.

    For the record, I'm biting the hell out of my tongue regarding that asshat of a soon to be ex of yours. b.i.t.i.n.g.


  2. I read your blog and I am sending you a hug :) I have been thru a pretty nasty divorce and understand the feelings that go along with it. It is not easy to sort them all out because they are often so mixed. I can tell you that time is the remedy. All the things he is doing to you now in time will make you strong and give you the courage needed to move on.

    I will say a prayer for your dad. I lost my dad 5 years ago. A parent being sick or losing a parent is the hardest thing to ever go thru. I have no suggestions when it comes to this because everyone deals differently. You just need to find a way of coping that works for you. It seems like you have alot of good friends and you should lean on them.

    I can tell you there is life after divorce it just takes time.


  3. I understand your pain. A few years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest, his father and I had a major falling out. (BTW, I think THAT fact alone that you and I have in common explains the immense pain that lingers) We stuck it out, but inside I wanted to die. The combination of hormones and the situation resulted in some bad decisions on my part.

    Fast forward 3+ years and I am now a recovering alcoholic, I am forced to see my children under (temorary) supervised visitation, and I still feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

    I wanted to send my prayers for your Dad, but also to warn you against ANY type of self-medicating - for me, it snuck up slowly as a release, but before long it became a requirement to just get through the day. And the saddest part is, although their father took those first steps into darkness, now it is he who has the upperhand in the court system because of how far I fell.

    Seek people out - make friends, get hobbies - all things I now wish I had done instead.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you - Stand Strong!

  4. Keep strong. You are a stronger person than you know (even though right now you feel as though you aren't). The fact that you had the strength to tell him to forget about even helping you that night shows that. It shows that you can stand up what is best for you and your children and shows you the strength that dwells inside.

    Keep strong my friend.