The news was not good today. It wasn't devastating, but it wasn't good.
The short story is that my dad needs to have an operation on an inoperable brain tumor. Specialists are being called. Only a few doctors in the country have the expertise to perform the surgery he needs.
I didn't want to leave my Dad at that hospital today. He was with my brother and my sister-in-law and his wife and her family, but I didn't want to leave him. I'm so scared, I'm so angry, I can't wrap my brain around this. I didn't want to come home and not have anyone with me to get me through this.
My husband called to ask what the results were. I gave him as many details as I could come up with considering my state of mind. He just continued to be "positive" and assure me that it would all be fine. I end up feeling like we are arguing because it's like he's trying to force me to feel fine when it's NOT FINE.
Later in the day I felt muscle weakness and started to worry. I have a history of serious illness caused in part by intense stress, muscle weakness being the first sign. I called my husband just at the end of my rope. I asked him if he could please just come to dinner with us and help me get them fed and back home. I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to bring anything home because then there would be a mess, I just wanted to get out of the house, stuff their little faces with someone's help wrangling them, and put them to bed. My Dad would be the first person I called to help me with this but obviously, that was not happening tonight. It was a desperate move.
He said that yes, he could meet us, but he'd have to leave by 8. He was going to see a band tonight. Another band that we used to see together. A band that people dance to. Who was he going with, I was curious...wondering if he had hooked back up with the friends who used to go with us? "Just some friends" which I knew meant women, because if it were anyone else he would have just said names (I asked, and I was right). So now I have a mental image in my head of him going dancing with a bunch of girls, likely drinking too much and hooking up with one, which he can now easily because he has his own place, on top of what has happened to me all day....
I tell him to forget it, his presence will just make it worse, sorry I asked, and hung up the phone.
I've been telling myself that although somewhere inside I knew we weren't going to get back together, some little piece of me was still holding on, unable to say OK it's time to file for divorce. I knew that I would know when the time was right.
Tonight was that night. It's time to get on with it. The fact that he could be so insensitive and selfish after the day I had today with my dad, someone he loves as much as his OWN father, was enough to do it for me. I deserve better.
It also dawned on me that the reason he has been so "positive" about my dad's condition: he feels guilty for not being there for me, so he's trying to minimalize the situation. For his own head.
I cannot continue to be married to someone like that. I know that I have known it, but now I KNOW it.
I am broken, my friends. I am low, I am scared, I am ANGRY, and I just don't know if I can take it anymore. How much can one person be expected to get through?
What can I do about it? I don't know. Just try and make it through this moment I guess, and then the next one. I've lost faith completely. I'm beaten to a pulp.