Well today I did what I would probably consider one of the very first things on my list of "finding me". I have done yoga for years, at home in my living room, and not regularly. I do remember using it regularly during my last pregnancy to relieve preterm contractions. I had noticed the effects of using it and talked my dr into letting me try that regularly instead of going on medication again (such as in my previous pregnancy) and it worked like a charm. I knew for sure then how powerful it was and so it has been on the forefront of my brain lately since I have been so miserable and stressed.
I thought about joining a class but chickened out and bought another home DVD instead. It of course sat in my room untouched, and so my best friend talked me into coming to one at the gym we both belong to. So today was the day. I am really, really intimidated coming into new situations (again, didn't used to be me??? why am I like this now?) and was absolutely terrified. I waited for her out in the freezing cold because I refused to walk in alone. Within 30 seconds of walking in I knewI was going to love it. Everyone was friendly and RELAXED. There were all different levels of skill (I have mild scoliosis and therefore incredibly inflexible, and was worried about looking like a moron). Within the first few minutes with the instructor I was completely at ease and inside my own body, all thoughts of stress and life were out the window. For the first time in 2 years I felt completely at ease. Being in the class with other women gave me a feeling of comraderie and understanding that you don't experience with a DVD. Having my closest friend by my side was even more comforting. I kept up pretty well and felt SO AMAZING afterwards. I just noticed that I have not been grinding my teeth today. That is the first time in months!!! Today was stressful but I feel like starting it out that way made the stress so much easier to handle. I am so glad I went and can't wait to go back next week.
Last night I had a nightmare. I have always had nightmares, very vivid dreams that wake me up in tears or scared to death. I am not even sure what the nightmare was about anymore, but I woke up terrified. It is the first one I have had like that since my husband left. I started crying immediately because it was the first time that not having the comfort and safety of him next to me really, really hurt. It sucks being alone in bed, like a long, panging sadness, but this was sudden and scary and I just wanted him next to me so badly. On those nights where I had nightmares I would snuggle up to his arm and just smell his skin and know that I was home in my own bed. I really, really miss that.
And then there was tonight at a PTA dinner. Twice, the well meaning question: "So, you have the kids alone tonight?" My heart stops and I hesitate...do I answer the question honestly at risk of scaring the person to death? Again, not to keep comparing this to death although it is a death of sorts, but this happened to me all the time after we lost our baby. "How many children do you have?" was the worst question you could ask me for years. A well meaning, totally innocent conversation starter where I had to choose between honoring the truth of my situation or making the person asking the question feel comfortable.
So those were the two low points this week. But I've felt joy a few times this week and I haven't felt joy for months. I was being totally goofy with my kids (singing an "old" song at the top of my lungs to embarrass them) and giggling like a little girl, and then again at yoga today. That's a big step for me, feeling joyous again.
I also have my entire "alone" times for the week filled up completely with friends. What a relief!!