What is wrong with me?
Seriously, can anti-depressants make you feel like this? I'm fighting with my own head here, I know that I have every reason to not want to get out of bed...but this is crazy.
This morning I woke up, got the kids ready for school, climbed back into bed. Slept until my 2 year old woke up, got her something to eat, stuck her in front of Elmo, and went back to sleep. Woke up intermittently to see what she was doing, change her tv show, but kept on climbing right back under my covers, feeling like the biggest loser and worst mother ever (thus increasing my desire to sleep). I can't describe how I feel other than being under my covers with my head on that soft pillow may be the closest thing to comfort that I can find right now (*ding ding ding*, tell her what she's won)
Once I'm up I'm walking in circles, forgetting what I'm doing. I have moments of clarity where I can manage to do the dishes, but the laundry is so daunting to me now that I can't even consider it.
I had a fun night out with the girls last night, laughed a lot, but then I walk in my door and it's just all over. No residual good feeling, just...nothing.
Tomorrow is my Dad's big day. He is having a test to determine whether he will be a candidate for gamma knife for his brain tumor. Maybe after I know something this fog will disappear.
I also have therapy tonight, I haven't been since finding out about my dad's tumor. Maybe a good cry is all I need.
And I'm gonna be a big whimp and just say it. I miss my husband. Damn it, I miss him, the good him. I SHOULDN'T. I miss his gentle voice and his quick wit and the way his arms feel around me when I need them. I know I am conveniently leaving out all the shit that brought us to this point of separation, the things that hurt enough that he can't live with me. But I miss him right now.