What is wrong with me?
Seriously, can anti-depressants make you feel like this? I'm fighting with my own head here, I know that I have every reason to not want to get out of bed...but this is crazy.
This morning I woke up, got the kids ready for school, climbed back into bed. Slept until my 2 year old woke up, got her something to eat, stuck her in front of Elmo, and went back to sleep. Woke up intermittently to see what she was doing, change her tv show, but kept on climbing right back under my covers, feeling like the biggest loser and worst mother ever (thus increasing my desire to sleep). I can't describe how I feel other than being under my covers with my head on that soft pillow may be the closest thing to comfort that I can find right now (*ding ding ding*, tell her what she's won)
Once I'm up I'm walking in circles, forgetting what I'm doing. I have moments of clarity where I can manage to do the dishes, but the laundry is so daunting to me now that I can't even consider it.
I had a fun night out with the girls last night, laughed a lot, but then I walk in my door and it's just all over. No residual good feeling, just...nothing.
Tomorrow is my Dad's big day. He is having a test to determine whether he will be a candidate for gamma knife for his brain tumor. Maybe after I know something this fog will disappear.
I also have therapy tonight, I haven't been since finding out about my dad's tumor. Maybe a good cry is all I need.
And I'm gonna be a big whimp and just say it. I miss my husband. Damn it, I miss him, the good him. I SHOULDN'T. I miss his gentle voice and his quick wit and the way his arms feel around me when I need them. I know I am conveniently leaving out all the shit that brought us to this point of separation, the things that hurt enough that he can't live with me. But I miss him right now.
I think it's great that you have a good therapist - Definitely something it sounds like you need right now.
ReplyDeleteI definitely went through phases where my best involved just taking care of the most essential needs of my children.
And of course you miss him!!! Being alone is hard...I don't ever miss my ex anymore, but I don't like being alone at any more now than I did at the beginning.
Hope tomorrow is better.
Sleep is good...it's healing...just don't let it become your scapegoat. Everyone needs time to do a little healing, especiallly in the beginning so cut yourself some slack! There is a number of difficult things going on in your life right now! Just keep safe, keep your children safe/fed/clothed/loved and the rest WILL fall onto place
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I'm checking on you every day because my heart aches for you. You are where I was last year at this time ! It gets better. I promise
ReplyDeleteWhy shouldn't you miss him? I would think something was wrong if you DIDN'T miss him, especially with everything going on with your Dad.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle with yourself. You had a bad day. That doesn't make you a bad mom or person. Thinking of you.
I am a mom that is newly on anti-depressants. My body is having a tough time adjusting. Lots of crying and sooo tired. I am hoping it goes away. You are in survival mode right now. It will get better but it sure doesn't seem that clear right now...Take as good care of yourself as you can.
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