Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Pardon this Rage


It's 11pm, I have just been awoken from sleeping curled up next to my youngest in her tiny bed, happily uncomfortable just to have the extra cuddle time with her.

My phone woke me up, I can hear a text message come in. I jump up to see what's going on and see my ex husband's name "Call me, we need to talk".


His lovely sister, who for some reason is (WAS) one of my friends on Facebook (stupid me for wanting to maintain a relationship with my children's aunt), has called him and has him all up in a tizzy about a picture I posted of my youngest daughter, hanging onto Mr. Wonderful's leg with the caption, "Don't go, T-Daddy" (the nickname that she has come up with for him).

He tells me that I must set our four year old straight, that there is only one Daddy. I agree with him, yes there IS only one Daddy and no one will ever replace you, he is her T-Daddy and she loves him in a different but meaningful way that she expresses by endearing him with this term. He is without a doubt, threatened and insecure that one of the children would actually place their future stepfather in a "father" category.

I know my ex husband very well. His own father is absent, only calling on birthdays and maybe sometimes holidays, and even then usually drunk. His mother moved him around from place to place, husband to husband, without a care in the world for her children or their best interests. He has no concept of unselfish love, which is a very big reason for our breakup. He cannot see that it is a GOOD thing for his children to actually LOVE the man that will be living in their house with them. That we have no plans to replace him as their father, but to supplement him. That the more people loving these children the better off they are. How LUCKY his children are to have a man that wants to love them as if they were his own.

Insecurity, jealousy make him blind to what is best for them in this situation.

And the truth that he never wants to accept: had he kept it in his pants throughout our marriage, instead of the constant lies and cheating and betrayal even with second and third chances...we wouldn't even be having this discussion. He created a new path and now he doesn't like where it has led and wants to control it. It doesn't work that way.

In the meantime, I'm still driving the kids everywhere because he still doesn't have a car. I've paid for every birthday party, every school need, everything myself. He is *this* close to being evicted from his apartment and will then have nowhere to live and even have the kids over. But yet he has money every weekend to go out with friends and drink, even on his weekends with the kids. I'm the grown-up. He's the child. As always.

It's so hard on nights like this not to be furious at myself for having married such a loser in the first place. I do know that without him I would never have my perfect children, and I would never ever change who they are. But to have this negative energy surrounding me constantly....I try so hard to let his childish behavior slide off of me but it does take ALL of my energy. I'm so sick of it all.

We left the conversation with him saying he would be correcting our youngest if he heard her call him T-Daddy again. That he's already done it once, "I'M your daddy". It enrages me to think of how that must have made my daughter feel...having been put in the middle of my own parent's divorce as an adult, it absolutely makes me want to scream...

It infuriates me that I can't stop him from doing this to her. That someone has that much control over my child and is essentially changing who she is and how she views the world with his selfish actions and insecurity. That he would put his own needs before hers. But what can I do. I can only do my best. Mr. Wonderful and I can only make sure that when they are with us, they are free and safe to say anything about their Dad. That their love for him isn't threatening to us. Someday they will resent him for putting them in this position. But try telling him that...

Monday, October 4, 2010

Where is this going?

I don't have anything to write about.

I have such a great life. I really sit back every single loving day in total awe, marveling at how this fairytale became reality.

My kids love Mr. Wonderful so much. My youngest is already telling her teachers that he is her stepdad. She asked him if he would go ahead and be her stepdad now, and lord, how could he refuse that.

Mr. Wonderful LOVES ME. I don't know why this is so damn hard for me to believe. It's not that I don't think I'm worth loving. I just never thought I'd find anyone who would recognize it. This man would do anything for me, for us.

Somehow, my business continues to thrive, even though I pay it so very little attention. I am supporting myself completely with no debts and no help besides the most measly little child support checks from the ex that don't even pay for 1 week of groceries.

These three kiddos seem to be doing great. Good grades, thriving at school, lots of friends, well-adjusted. Aside from wanting my pulled-too-many-directions-attention, they are just doing SO GREAT.

I even have a brand new kitchen. Mr. Wonderful decided he wanted to invest in the home that he'd be living in soon, and we gave it a facelift this weekend. I say we, but all I really did was make decisions and watch tv while he did all the work. I know. If I were you I'd hate me too.

I only write this because I've only ever written out of misery before. I kind of don't know what to write about anymore. I've found myself, I've found my kids, I've found my soulmate, and other than having the typical complaints of a single mom (who really has some help now), I've got nothin.

My greatest hope is that this blog has and will serve as a road map for others in similar situations (like my close friend is right now) and provide some sort of insight into a journey that is so scary but the best you'll ever travel.

I guess I'll be focusing upcoming posts on things like wedding plans and step-parenting as well as continue to write about myself and my continuing journey to bettering myself, as that is a journey I want to continue until my final days.

If anyone out there needs help or has questions about divorce or single motherhood, I encourage you to leave a comment and I can answer it to my best ability for you. I'm only an expert by experience but I would love to help or offer encouragement where I can.