Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I just realized today, as school is winding down for the year, that I made it one entire school year as a SINGLE MOTHER TO THREE KIDS!!!!

*happy dance*

The school year seems like a big deal to me because the big husband bombshell was dropped on me the week my kids went back to school, last August. My middle daughter was starting Kindergarten. I didn't tell anyone, including my family, that we had separated because I didn't know what was going to happen and didn't want anyone asking questions. I was so distraught that I was literally sick to my stomach for an entire week, could not get out of bed. I drug myself out of bed, looking haggard in basically pj's and not giving a shit, and had to stand there with him and smile at her first day of elementary school, on what was already an emotional day for me. The timing actually worked out though because everyone assumed I was depressed because of my daughter starting Kindergarten, which was true too, and so no one asked questions.

I think back to that first week or Talk about overwhelmed. I had no idea how I was going to do this. How I was going to run my business during what is the busiest time of year for me, do laundry, do dishes, keep up the house, get homework checked and signed, take care of an epileptic dog, buy groceries, make lunches, pay bills, make dinners, give baths, plan birthday parties (2 of 3 kids that time of year), run kids to various practices and games; nevermind even beginning to think about having everyone's emotional needs met--of which those were HUGE considering what we were all going through. Cue survival mode.

So how the hell did I survive that? I hadn't thought about it much until now.

At first my husband had such guilt over what he had done and the amount of stress I was under that he would come over most nights and help me out with dishes and cooking and stuff. After a while, it dawned on me that nothing was changing...he would sit in the house and watch the big screen tv, eat the food I bought as if he still lived here; and it was so angering, that I realized it wasn't worth the help. So I made him stop. I'll never forget taking the trash out for the first time by myself. I DREADED it. But it felt so good when I had finished to know that I COULD do it, and that snowballed.

I figured out shortcuts. I got uber organized, and I hired help. I let a lot of things go--my house is almost never picked up, and laundry sits folded in baskets a lot, and my kids watch way more tv than they should. I didn't let go of the things that were really important to me, like the quality of food we eat and having home cooked meals. I started grocery shopping on my day without the kids and perfected the art of getting in and out of the store in less than 30 minutes.

And after a while, I didn't just survive, but I thrived. I took the 2 nights a week that the kids are with their Dad, and I use it for ME time. I see my friends way more than I used to, I made new friends, I saw every Oscar nominated movie, I took myself out to dinner, I brought home take-out and snuggled up in bed with a movie, I went dancing, I tried new restaurants, I went to concerts. I even managed to lose 25 pounds and am back in my high school sizes.


There have been tough times too, obviously. Throw in the father with the brain tumor and surgery that went horribly awry, and I truly, truly cannot believe I have made it through. WOW.

The best part is that my home is resentment free. There is nothing living here but truth, authenticity, love, and encouragement and I LOVE THAT.

So excuse me for a minute while I bask in this victory :)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Jon + Kate

So it seems that the whole scandal between Jon and Kate Gosselin is all the talk these days. The season premier was tonight, and I, like millions of others, sat down to watch...not knowing how hard it would hit me.

In case you have been under a rock and haven't heard, Jon and Kate have sextuplets, twins, and a reality show on TLC. Jon was caught with another woman, and now their marriage is falling apart.

I have watched this show for years, ever since it was just a tv special on Discovery. I, along with the rest of the fans of the show, was shocked to hear about the allegations and to see the damning pictures.

I sat down tonight to watch the premier with the same morbid curiosity that the other millions of tv viewers did. But by about minute 5, I was sick to my stomach. I was watching my life unfold on my big screen tv, only with 5 more kids and an entire nation watching.

It all started when during the sit-down interview, Kate said "Did I ever envision us being here? No. Did I ever envision this of him? No." And the tears began to flow. Because I felt it too. We had a plan. We both stood at that altar and made promises. We had CHILDREN. That is sacred. You trust someone so much that you give life to these fragile little beings with them, and you assume that nothing will change that or that it is just as sacred to them as it is to KNOW it with every fiber of your being...and then that moment when you realize that you were just wrong, just plain wrong. The person you thought you knew, you don't know at all. I saw that in her face. I saw the guilt in his.

And Jon? I can tell you all about Jon. Because he and my estranged husband are one and the same. Jon is a child. The children love him and he is perceived as a great father, but it is because he is one of them, there is no real parenting involved-that is all left to the mother. He dresses and has the demeanor of a teenager because he has never and probably never will grow up. He is a coward who instead of being a man and saying "I don't love you anymore" or "I am unhappy in our marriage and want out" decided to be sneaky and selfish and drag his entire family through the mud.

I realize that Kate is no angel, just like I know that I am no angel. I like to believe that I am in no way like her...I tend to be a people pleaser, pretty laid back and easy-going...but I see now that my ex brought the "Kate" out in me. (I would never flip out over a coupon not being used...but he could make me feel like it was that trivial when we were talking about thousands of dollars.) Because when you are living with a child who does not carry his weight, what else are you supposed to do??? When someone is constantly making horrible irresponsible decisions with your money, your family's money, with family members, with friends, and it effects you on a daily else do you treat them?? (I hate who I am when I'm with him. One of the best things about him being gone.)

And then there was the scene where she is putting together the birthday party without Jon. I can see it in her face, I can almost hear her thoughts because they are my own..."I have to go on and do this. My children are watching me. This is hard as hell and I have to do it anyways. How do I sit here and pretend like I am happy when all I want to do is cry?" She is zapped of all energy and defeated. I have so been there.

The birthday party. The "united front". The awkwardness. Been there too.

The question was posed to them at the end of the show what they were going to do. I can tell you right now, they are past the point of no return. She has realized that he is not who she thought he was, and he has found a way out. He won't be the one to do it, he'll force HER to make the decision (all. too. familiar.) Because he's a coward.

It shook me up, this show. I had to turn it off and come back later to finish it.

And then to come online and to see everyone saying how sad it awful for the kids...I can't help to take that personally. One of my old friends, who is extremely religious, twittered " they want to do what is best for the kids...why is divorce even an option? I don't get it and I pray that I will never get it". Ouch.

Old wounds re-opened tonight, that's all. But seriously, watching it all unfold for someone else just reminds me one more time...why would I EVER want to put myself in that vulnerable place again? Never say never, but I just can't ever see getting married again. Long term relationship??? Maybe. Anything more....I guess we'll see. It just.....doesn't seem to work.

Now maybe I'll go read my last post one more time :)

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Know what a woman who is single and trying to be strong in her singlehood and telling herself she doesn't need a man SHOULDN'T do?

Watch romantic movies.

Ugh it never fails. I'll be coasting along, happy as a clam to be alone, and filled with positive thoughts about not having to deal with all the crap that comes with being in a relationship or being married. So I decide to watch a lighthearted movie and then, inevitably, when the characters are falling in love or realizing they can't be apart, the tears come. I can try to avoid it as much as I want, but I even got choked up at "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". COME ON.

And the truth hits me. I try to be that woman, that strong woman who believes I can go without being in love. I want to believe that I don't BELIEVE in love. I tell myself it isn't for me, I don't need it, I don't even want the hassle. Maybe someday I'll really be there.

But for now I have to face it...I do believe in love. It seems silly. Like I believe in unicorns or fairies. It seems just as mythical and rare to me.

But I'm also the girl who refuses to tell her kids there is no Santa, because deep down I really believe there might be. I make wishes on shooting stars and birthday candles. I believe that all people are inherently good and I tend to look past layers and layers of crap and baggage to see the real person (it may sound like a great quality but it is also my downfall, thus my 11 year marriage). I spent two years believing in my husband, believing he was good deep down and just couldn't tap into it (I still do, but I see now that he may be incapable of "tapping into it").

So maybe it is easier to tell myself that I'm better off without it, that I don't need it, that I don't WANT it...but deep down, the real me believes in love, and some part of me, no matter how hard I try to shrink it down or hide it away, will be sad without it.

And that is my observation for the evening. Now, off to watch "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". That's gotta be safe, right????

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Things are finally starting to feel somewhat normal again.

Dad is doing better, I'm trying not to talk about it too much and jinx him, but things may be turning around, finally, after two months of this.

I'm feeling good again. I'm not at the level I was before all of this happened, but I'm definetly experiencing joy again. For example, last night I went to visit Dad, and while I was leaving I saw that a close friend was looking for someone to go to a concert with her at the last minute. The band was the Indigo Girls, whom I have never really listened to but can appreciate, and I knew I'd feel out of place as a soccer mom in a room with 99% college-aged lesbians, but decided why not? So I went with her, and ended up feeling SO comfortable, way more comfortable than I do at a bar or a club. Because there was no pressure, because there was so much love in the room, because I was 10 feet away from musical legends, because my friend was so happy that I was there with her, I don't know what it was. But I enjoyed every second of it, stepping outside of my comfort zone and giving it a shot. So glad I did.

I'm also working again and getting busy with clients, which is good. I've been exploring some new options with my business and feel really good about the direction I'm heading.

I still haven't officially filed for divorce. I know the original plan was to get through Dad's surgery, and obviously that plan was derailed. But again, what's the rush....I'm not dating, don't want to date, I will be without health insurance once it's final, and it's going to be emotional (and I am just all tapped out.) In my head, this summer will be the one year anniversary of our separation, and I think that will be an appropriate time. The lawyer has the paperwork on hand ready to go, all I have to do is say the word. If anyone has advice about the health insurance thing, I'd be happy to hear it.

That's all, just wanted to check in and say things are getting better :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Just Fine.

I want to write about something stupid I did, but I'm almost too embarrassed to admit it.

But maybe it will help someone.

My friends don't even know this (they do now), but yesterday, I was reading another single mom website, and was reading a section about single mom dating and how we never have time to meet guys, so online dating was suggested.

I have been curious about dating, especially here lately with everything being so serious. It just seems like a fun distraction.

Good God have I ever been more wrong.

Literally yesterday, I signed up on one of the online dating websites, a free one...and after 24 hours of it, I deleted my account.

Ick ick ick ick ick

Talk about never having my faith restored in men.

In those few hours, I was emailed probably 50 times. The guys who emailed me were either stupid, angry, boring, too old for me, or absolute freaks of nature.

There was one guy I thought seemed funny, so I exchanged messages with him for a little bit tonight. He wanted to see my facebook page, and when I insisted that he promise me he wasn't psycho before letting him see pics of my kids, he flipped out. He was annoyed that I was so paranoid and went on this rant about how no mother he has ever met was still paranoid in this day and age about pictures on the web, and it's so 10 years ago. Ummmmm, DELETE AND HOLY HELL NEVER LOOK BACK

Universe telling me I am not ready for this. I get it.

I'm really fine being alone, and think this just cemented it for me. I think talking to an old friend who has been divorced for years and only dated once scared me into thinking I had nothing to look forward to, but really....REALLY....if this is what's out there, then I am JUST FINE.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Sorry for my long absence. I have had to both mentally and physically step away from the situation with my father. After yet another round of bad news, I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I've gone two weeks with only a couple of visits to the hospital and only minimal contact with Dad's wife for news. I also got all my health issues checked out, started multiple medications, and sort of "hunkered down" with my kids. I can honestly say that it worked, the combination of it all. I feel human again for the first time in 2 months (when this whole ordeal began). I feel tremendous guilt for not visiting more often. But when I put myself in my father's place, I know he wouldn't want me to be suffering to this extreme, he especially wouldn't want it for my kids.

And so I take babysteps back into my life, the life that made me so happy before all of this began: me as a strong independent woman who can get through ANYTHING without a man, surrounded by the friends who I love, and especially by my children who are EVERYTHING.