Believing

Know what a woman who is single and trying to be strong in her singlehood and telling herself she doesn't need a man SHOULDN'T do?

Watch romantic movies.

Ugh it never fails. I'll be coasting along, happy as a clam to be alone, and filled with positive thoughts about not having to deal with all the crap that comes with being in a relationship or being married. So I decide to watch a lighthearted movie and then, inevitably, when the characters are falling in love or realizing they can't be apart, the tears come. I can try to avoid it as much as I want, but I even got choked up at "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". COME ON.

And the truth hits me. I try to be that woman, that strong woman who believes I can go without being in love. I want to believe that I don't BELIEVE in love. I tell myself it isn't for me, I don't need it, I don't even want the hassle. Maybe someday I'll really be there.

But for now I have to face it...I do believe in love. It seems silly. Like I believe in unicorns or fairies. It seems just as mythical and rare to me.

But I'm also the girl who refuses to tell her kids there is no Santa, because deep down I really believe there might be. I make wishes on shooting stars and birthday candles. I believe that all people are inherently good and I tend to look past layers and layers of crap and baggage to see the real person (it may sound like a great quality but it is also my downfall, thus my 11 year marriage). I spent two years believing in my husband, believing he was good deep down and just couldn't tap into it (I still do, but I see now that he may be incapable of "tapping into it").

So maybe it is easier to tell myself that I'm better off without it, that I don't need it, that I don't WANT it...but deep down, the real me believes in love, and some part of me, no matter how hard I try to shrink it down or hide it away, will be sad without it.

And that is my observation for the evening. Now, off to watch "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". That's gotta be safe, right????