Jon + Kate

So it seems that the whole scandal between Jon and Kate Gosselin is all the talk these days. The season premier was tonight, and I, like millions of others, sat down to watch...not knowing how hard it would hit me.

In case you have been under a rock and haven't heard, Jon and Kate have sextuplets, twins, and a reality show on TLC. Jon was caught with another woman, and now their marriage is falling apart.

I have watched this show for years, ever since it was just a tv special on Discovery. I, along with the rest of the fans of the show, was shocked to hear about the allegations and to see the damning pictures.

I sat down tonight to watch the premier with the same morbid curiosity that the other millions of tv viewers did. But by about minute 5, I was sick to my stomach. I was watching my life unfold on my big screen tv, only with 5 more kids and an entire nation watching.

It all started when during the sit-down interview, Kate said "Did I ever envision us being here? No. Did I ever envision this of him? No." And the tears began to flow. Because I felt it too. We had a plan. We both stood at that altar and made promises. We had CHILDREN. That is sacred. You trust someone so much that you give life to these fragile little beings with them, and you assume that nothing will change that or that it is just as sacred to them as it is to you...you KNOW it with every fiber of your being...and then that moment when you realize that you were just wrong, just plain wrong. The person you thought you knew, you don't know at all. I saw that in her face. I saw the guilt in his.

And Jon? I can tell you all about Jon. Because he and my estranged husband are one and the same. Jon is a child. The children love him and he is perceived as a great father, but it is because he is one of them, there is no real parenting involved-that is all left to the mother. He dresses and has the demeanor of a teenager because he has never and probably never will grow up. He is a coward who instead of being a man and saying "I don't love you anymore" or "I am unhappy in our marriage and want out" decided to be sneaky and selfish and drag his entire family through the mud.

I realize that Kate is no angel, just like I know that I am no angel. I like to believe that I am in no way like her...I tend to be a people pleaser, pretty laid back and easy-going...but I see now that my ex brought the "Kate" out in me. (I would never flip out over a coupon not being used...but he could make me feel like it was that trivial when we were talking about thousands of dollars.) Because when you are living with a child who does not carry his weight, what else are you supposed to do??? When someone is constantly making horrible irresponsible decisions with your money, your family's money, with family members, with friends, and it effects you on a daily basis...how else do you treat them?? (I hate who I am when I'm with him. One of the best things about him being gone.)

And then there was the scene where she is putting together the birthday party without Jon. I can see it in her face, I can almost hear her thoughts because they are my own..."I have to go on and do this. My children are watching me. This is hard as hell and I have to do it anyways. How do I sit here and pretend like I am happy when all I want to do is cry?" She is zapped of all energy and defeated. I have so been there.

The birthday party. The "united front". The awkwardness. Been there too.

The question was posed to them at the end of the show what they were going to do. I can tell you right now, they are past the point of no return. She has realized that he is not who she thought he was, and he has found a way out. He won't be the one to do it, he'll force HER to make the decision (all. too. familiar.) Because he's a coward.

It shook me up, this show. I had to turn it off and come back later to finish it.

And then to come online and to see everyone saying how sad it was...how awful for the kids...I can't help to take that personally. One of my old friends, who is extremely religious, twittered "K...so they want to do what is best for the kids...why is divorce even an option? I don't get it and I pray that I will never get it". Ouch.

Old wounds re-opened tonight, that's all. But seriously, watching it all unfold for someone else just reminds me one more time...why would I EVER want to put myself in that vulnerable place again? Never say never, but I just can't ever see getting married again. Long term relationship??? Maybe. Anything more....I guess we'll see. It just.....doesn't seem to work.

Now maybe I'll go read my last post one more time :)