Monday, May 25, 2009

Jon + Kate

So it seems that the whole scandal between Jon and Kate Gosselin is all the talk these days. The season premier was tonight, and I, like millions of others, sat down to watch...not knowing how hard it would hit me.

In case you have been under a rock and haven't heard, Jon and Kate have sextuplets, twins, and a reality show on TLC. Jon was caught with another woman, and now their marriage is falling apart.

I have watched this show for years, ever since it was just a tv special on Discovery. I, along with the rest of the fans of the show, was shocked to hear about the allegations and to see the damning pictures.

I sat down tonight to watch the premier with the same morbid curiosity that the other millions of tv viewers did. But by about minute 5, I was sick to my stomach. I was watching my life unfold on my big screen tv, only with 5 more kids and an entire nation watching.

It all started when during the sit-down interview, Kate said "Did I ever envision us being here? No. Did I ever envision this of him? No." And the tears began to flow. Because I felt it too. We had a plan. We both stood at that altar and made promises. We had CHILDREN. That is sacred. You trust someone so much that you give life to these fragile little beings with them, and you assume that nothing will change that or that it is just as sacred to them as it is to KNOW it with every fiber of your being...and then that moment when you realize that you were just wrong, just plain wrong. The person you thought you knew, you don't know at all. I saw that in her face. I saw the guilt in his.

And Jon? I can tell you all about Jon. Because he and my estranged husband are one and the same. Jon is a child. The children love him and he is perceived as a great father, but it is because he is one of them, there is no real parenting involved-that is all left to the mother. He dresses and has the demeanor of a teenager because he has never and probably never will grow up. He is a coward who instead of being a man and saying "I don't love you anymore" or "I am unhappy in our marriage and want out" decided to be sneaky and selfish and drag his entire family through the mud.

I realize that Kate is no angel, just like I know that I am no angel. I like to believe that I am in no way like her...I tend to be a people pleaser, pretty laid back and easy-going...but I see now that my ex brought the "Kate" out in me. (I would never flip out over a coupon not being used...but he could make me feel like it was that trivial when we were talking about thousands of dollars.) Because when you are living with a child who does not carry his weight, what else are you supposed to do??? When someone is constantly making horrible irresponsible decisions with your money, your family's money, with family members, with friends, and it effects you on a daily else do you treat them?? (I hate who I am when I'm with him. One of the best things about him being gone.)

And then there was the scene where she is putting together the birthday party without Jon. I can see it in her face, I can almost hear her thoughts because they are my own..."I have to go on and do this. My children are watching me. This is hard as hell and I have to do it anyways. How do I sit here and pretend like I am happy when all I want to do is cry?" She is zapped of all energy and defeated. I have so been there.

The birthday party. The "united front". The awkwardness. Been there too.

The question was posed to them at the end of the show what they were going to do. I can tell you right now, they are past the point of no return. She has realized that he is not who she thought he was, and he has found a way out. He won't be the one to do it, he'll force HER to make the decision (all. too. familiar.) Because he's a coward.

It shook me up, this show. I had to turn it off and come back later to finish it.

And then to come online and to see everyone saying how sad it awful for the kids...I can't help to take that personally. One of my old friends, who is extremely religious, twittered " they want to do what is best for the kids...why is divorce even an option? I don't get it and I pray that I will never get it". Ouch.

Old wounds re-opened tonight, that's all. But seriously, watching it all unfold for someone else just reminds me one more time...why would I EVER want to put myself in that vulnerable place again? Never say never, but I just can't ever see getting married again. Long term relationship??? Maybe. Anything more....I guess we'll see. It just.....doesn't seem to work.

Now maybe I'll go read my last post one more time :)


  1. As for Jon and Kate - well, whether their relationship ends or not, the kids will still ALWAYS have a mom and a dad. They may mourn the loss of the family unit or the death of the marriage, but the kids will still have their parents.

    Hmmmm, referring to your last paragraph, I guess I have to wonder what the difference is in a new marriage vs. long-term relationship when one has kid(s) that are exposed to it, and kids that get attached to the guy and get heartbroken when/if the relationship ends...

    Its different I think for the children of single moms who never knew or had a dad. We REALLY have to watch out for breaking their hearts, because when OUR relationship with a guy ends, so does our kids' relationship with the guy - and they end up suffering for it...

  2. Alicia, that is very true. But that's exactly the thing...if I get married again, I would HAVE to expose the kids to the new guy, in a very invasive way. Then if he lets us happens all over again...I hope that won't happen, but I never thought this would happen either. In a long-term relationship, it's my choice whether or not to expose my kids to him, and I don't think I would. I've had the wedding and the white dress and I have all the kids I'll ever want, so why get married? I realize that it's different for every situation, and if I wanted more children or had never been married...totally different opinion. And maybe once my kids have grown up and moved out of the house, maybe that changes for me...I dunno.

  3. I really hate it when people can't step out of their own shoes to see something from a different perspective. Like all the people that believe that stayig together "for the children" is the only way to go.

    I'm guessing that none of them have ever been a child with parents in a horrible marriage. They haven't been that child that has to listen to all of the fighting and all of the uncomfortable moments that the parents can cause. I HAVE been that child and I can tell you first hand that it is a horrible life. It has literally taken me years to recover from all of that. Thankfully they finally did get a divorce and guess what, I was happier for it. I did still have a mom and a dad.And I knew they both loved me immensely. I did feel sad that we weren't a family all under one roof but I knew the alternative was much better that way. Together=fighting and unhappiness and Apart=mending souls and growing happiness.

    I do feel really sad for Jon and Kate. I think they are both to blame for the problems in their relationship. Jon was a dumbass, plain and simple. And I was totally a Kate in my last relationship. And I hated myself for it. Hopefully they can both move on and become better people. But it still hurts.

    And I know you will find what works best for youa nd your dating life. But don't focus on it too much right now. Now is the time for mending and fun!!!! Love you so much!!!! Dancing Saturday?

  4. I am a previously divorced Mother of 3 who is happily remarried and loving life.

    Girl, you are on the right track. It is so hard to see what our past lives really looked like to everyone else.

    You, like so many of us, have the added perspective of having lived through it. But now you have the extra 'knowledge' and I like to think confidence that I know more know and trust myself tens times what I ever dreamed of.

    Relax, trust yourself and know better is yet to come. You have lived through hell (and will continue for a long time) and come out the other side!!

    Take care of yourself. Everything else WILL fall into place. There is a greater plan. You will look back some day and realize this.

    Peace and blessings.

  5. Deb-
    You are such a great friend through is SO good to know someone who has been thru this and understands what I'm feeling. Dancing...this Saturday I can't but SOON

    I love hearing this like you don't even know. Having been bombarded with the Jon and Kate thing I think it's hard to realize that there is hope out there. Thank you for the reassurance. (and that you have 3 kids...I've wondered before if that qualifies me as undate-able...thank you for showing me that it's not.)

  6. As the child of an abusive alcoholic, divorce is the tool my mom used to save us and I'm grateful she had the strength to do what was best for she & I. You also are doing what is best for you & your kids and all of you will come out better & stronger for it. Those that say parents should stay together for the kids are underestimating those very kids. Do they honestly think being raised in a loveless marriage by a couple that doesn't trust each other is better for the kids? Puh-lease. As for your romantic future, considering how kind, fun and *hawt* you are - that's bright as a spotlight.