Don't Do It

Everyone has their hangups.

I love to come here and profess my independence, happiness, health and security. I am genuinely happy, truly the happiest I have EVER been in my entire life. I have three great kids, I'm taking care of myself, business is great, I am financially independent, I have a large group of AMAZING friends who make me laugh until I cry, friends and family who would go to the ends of the earth for me. On top of all that, I have a boyfriend who knows just how to love me like no one else ever has.

Which is why I am so damn irritated with myself right now.

I sort of "stumbled" upon a picture of Mr. Wonderful's ex girlfriend, one that he was so serious with that they lived together for a very long time.

Ok so maybe it wasn't just a picture, but her entire Facebook page.

With lots of pictures. Of her. In a swimsuit. A very, very, very tiny swimsuit.

I am a very secure woman for the most part. I don't usually put myself up next to others and compare. I just focus on taking care of myself and the good things in my life.

Something about this picture of her triggered some horrible feeling in me that I can't describe. It is totally and completely irrational, and I know it. First of all, the girl is absolutely ridiculously perfect. Like the kind of perfect you cannot deny. As in, I show my friends hoping they say "Yuck" but they can't because, well, she's just not. She is THAT girl...the one you love to hate, with a movie star physique.

Mr. Wonderful and I have talked at length about our past relationships because they are very similar. So I know that this girl is not a good person. I don't even think she's cuter than me. WHY is this bothering me so much???

I call friends. No amount of "but he loves YOU" helps. I even email Mr. Wonderful. Even though everything he is saying to me should be right, it's just making it worse. He's telling me I'm the total package, that I'm hot AND smart, that he never loved her the way he loves me, that she doesn't do the things to him that I do. And all I can think is WHY ISN'T HE SAYING I'M AS HOT AS SHE IS OR THAT SHE'S NOT THAT HOT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

It's stupid, it's irrational, and I absolutely HATE that a picture of a girl who I KNOW has "issues" and is not a nice person in her stupid swimsuit not only made me feel this way but totally ruined my whole day. It drove me nuts all day trying to figure out why it even affected me this way.

Was it some sort of trigger to something that's happened to me in the past?? Maybe. Maybe her overt sexuality triggered my feelings of inadequacy from my husband's infidelity.

Was it that I now know the "measuring stick" in Mr. Wonderful's head?? I mean, here he has had a girlfriend with a body that looks NOTHING like mine....why would he want this?? Why does he now want a body that has given birth to three children...yes...it still looks pretty good considering, but he went from THAT to THIS?!?!?!? What must he be thinking??

Maybe any normal 33 year old female (especially one who has given birth 3 times) would react this way upon viewing this particular photo of their boyfriend's ex. (and let's not even kid ourselves here...I wouldn't look like that even if I hadn't given birth.)

Who knows. I'm writing about it hoping I'll have some sort of epiphany over the whole stupid thing and I am not.

Now I am stuck with these awful images in my head of the two of them...you know... and it is making me absolutely f-ing INSANE.

Moral of the story....don't look at your lover's ex's facebook page. You may think you can handle it...but once you go down that road there is no turning back. And now I have to figure out a way to permanently delete these horrible thoughts and images from my head. Wheeeee

Life

So sorry to have been MIA. 1-There was a huge scare with my father (more later) and 2-I'm in the throes of the busy season with work.

The good thing about that is the weeks have flown by, and before I knew it I looked at the calendar and OMG MY BOYFRIEND IS HOME 3 WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!

My life is about to drastically change. The reassuring voice that can comfort me from 15,000 miles away is going to be reassuring me right in my own ear. The face that I've only seen pixelated through a web cam lens since August is going to be right in front of me to touch and kiss and feel...

I have learned so much through this process. I have learned how I communicate best, how to get out what I need to say, how to listen, how to acknowledge, how to show love to this great man. I have also gained such an appreciation for the little things. I have told him that I will never, ever take something like a kiss for granted. Every little kiss, everytime I call him when I need him and he comes right over, every dinner together, everytime we hold hands...I will cherish every second of it.

Last Monday my father's wife called my brother and I hysterical saying we needed to "get to the hospital right away and see our father". We were led to believe that this was it, the end. He had pneumonia and bacterial infections, he's lost almost 100 lbs (he's 5'11 and 135 lbs right now) and just has not improved at all. But all along, we have not expected to actually lose him. So I was in absolute shock and then total devastation when my brother called to tell me to come to the hospital. My sweet Mr. Wonderful was actually on Skype with me when I got the call, and talked me through it. I couldn't get dressed, I couldn't think, all I could do was sob hysterically. I drove to the hospital thinking this was it, it was time to say goodbye. Once I was there, I found out that my stepmother had been given misinformation and while Dad was in bad shape, this was not necessarily the end. (He has since left the hospital and been moved to a skilled nursing facility.) That? was the worst day of my entire life. I came home and felt as though I had been run over by a freight train. I got in bed at 2pm, got up once to say goodnight to my children (my mom came over and took care of them), got back in bed and didn't wake up until 8am the next morning. It took me days to feel like a normal human being again.

It makes me so happy to know that when things like this happen in the immediate future, I will have an actual arm around me, someone to come home to and just fall apart with, a chest to bury my head into, a supportive voice telling me it's all going to be ok. I know that would make my Dad happy too, to know his daughter has the support she needs, finally, to be able to make it through this impossible situation. Getting through the past 8 months of Dad's post-surgery nightmare alone has been almost impossible and I have found myself avoiding it just to stay sane. Maybe now that I will have support, I will be able to face it again a little more...visit more and be the good daughter that I want to be to him, because he deserves it.

Anyways, this is just one of many, many things that will be changing. I'm so incredibly excited for this next chapter of my life.

Miss Independent in a Relationship

So I have now been in my relationship for 3 1/2 months, the majority of that time being over long-distance.

This post is basically here to grade myself on how I am doing on maintaining myself and my independence throughout this process.

After a year of establishing ME as a whole and healthy individual, I thought it would be easy to just slip right into a relationship and maintain that same routine and state of mind.

It is not. I catch myself, more often than I would like to admit, slipping into a state of co-dependence again. Mr. Wonderful is an amazing man who loves to take care of me. There are times when I can take that for what it is, and then there are times when I feel myself relying on it....and that just cannot happen. It's one thing for him to say he can't wait to come back and help me fix things up around my house, it's another for me to let things go and not even TRY to do it myself because I'm depending on him to take care of it, just as an example.

The thing I am struggling the most with is the whole diet and exercise thing. Mr. Wonderful is a bit of a health nut and in perfect shape; ladies....I mean...PERFECT ;). Way before I met him, I was taking care of myself, staying in shape and eating right because I like the way it makes me feel. He loves me, loves my body...but my own insecurity took over at some point and started whispering things in my subconscious about how I needed to be "perfect". I fight it, a lot. The minute I start doing it to look good for him and not because I like how it feels and because I want to take care of myself, it becomes something else and that much harder to do. The mental leap is astronomical for someone like me who has always struggled with the psychological aspects of weight gain and loss (history of anorexia, etc). I must continue to concentrate on being healthy for myself or it will slip through my fingers. I've got to think about looking good for him as a nice bonus, not the goal.

Other than that, I have maintained my friendships at the same level that they existed before him. I still see my friends regularly for girls nights out and have never turned down a night out that I wouldn't have before. I'm still doing all the things that I'm passionate about, like exploring music, having nights out and nights in with my kids, trying new activities and things, and traveling. Life still feels fulfilling outside of the relationship. Work is going better than ever; I feel more inspired than I ever have, and I think my work is reflecting the fulfillment I have found.

I know things will change again once he is home (in HELLOOOO....34 days!!!) and we will be able to physically be together and fit a whole new routine into each other's schedules. But he is just as independent as I am, has his own group of friends who value his time as much as my friends value mine. He also has his own passions and interests that he can't wait to pursue. Some of those I'll be joining him for, others he'll do on his own. The goal is to be two happy and fulfilled individuals whose interests overlap at some points, spend time together when we can and as much as possible without losing ourselves in the process. I know it won't be perfect...nothing about this whole process has been...but I really do think I'm doing the best I can after being in such an unhealthy place for 12 long years (really, longer).

There have been times when I have felt that being alone and still single would be easier. Everytime we have a really difficult disagreement or have to come to a compromise on something, I do somewhat miss the days of not having to "answer" to anyone. When decisions were just mine and I didn't have to think of anyone else's feelings or situation. Many times over the year that I was living alone, I would cringe when a friend couldn't go out because her husband didn't want her to, or she maybe felt guilty about being away from the family too much. Being happy about not answering to anyone but myself on my nights away from the kids became a way to help myself cope with being alone: I allowed it to become a "positive", and for good reason. Now I'm having trouble letting go of that. And make no mistake, I'm holding onto a little bit of it. I will always make my own decisions, while yes, being considerate of other's feelings and opinions, but if I want to do something and it's not hurting anyone, I'll do it.

But in the grand scheme of things, it's worth it. I love him, everything about him, and he loves me like no one ever has. Our love is truly special, one that doesn't come along often. I've come close to losing it more than once and I know that this is what I want. I can't wait to have him here in my life and see where that road takes us.

Badass Single Mom

I love calling myself that. It feels pretty empowering. And this past week I think I sort of earned it.

The beginning of October is totally nuts for me. My birthday is Sept 30th, then comes my son's birthday, then the next day my youngest's birthday, then on the 10th of October is the anniversary I dread all year, the day my first baby girl was stillborn.

So here is what I accomplished this past week:

-attended family birthday party w/ all three kids in tow at a pizza buffet
-woke my son up on his birthday morning with a gift and a twinkie
-cooked homemade meal and made/decorated a cake for my son for that evening (he declared it the best meal EVER)
-woke my youngest up the next morning for her bday w/ gift and a twinkie
-tolerated dinner at my exes home for her birthday dinner that evening
-managed to find a last minute cake and party favors for my son's rollerskating party for Friday afternoon, hosted with no help from the Ex (but thank God for my mom)
-hosted a sleepover for son's two close friends after the party
-Somehow made it through the anniversary of my daughter's death Saturday by plenty of encouragment and love from Mr. Wonderful and support of great friends
-that evening hosted Youngest daughter's birthday party at a bouncehouse venue and then at ice cream shop (again w/ no help or even ATTENDANCE from the ex)
-Sunday got super ambitious and took all three kids to the State Fair, managed to stay on a pretty good budget and fun was still had by all.

Not too shabby for one person, right?

Things are looking a little rough again...I was denied for health insurance, my a/c is broken and going to cost a bundle to fix, money is so tight that I'm starting to seriously panic, and business is fairly slow considering it's usually my "rush" time of year. My father was also admitted to the hospital today from his rehab facility and I have no idea what is going on with that.

But as I told my friend today who was worried about me, I'm really just exhausted. Doing this all on my own is tough. Sometimes I just have moments where I need to throw a little temper tantrum and be mad at the world and declare the unfairness of my situation, just to get it out. I can't always be positive or Susie Sunshine. Then it's over and I can buckle down and figure it out, just like I always have. Sometimes I just seriously can't believe how hard life can be. But I know there are plenty of good things for me and I just need to fight for them. The fight will be tough but I'll gain more than those who never struggle. I have to believe that.

Divorce Par-tay

Saturday night was the big fun "Divorce/Birthday Party" for yours truly.

I know many people think the whole "divorce party" idea is a tacky one. But I look at it as 1)taking a bad situation and turning it into a positive one 2)the bachelorette party I never had and 3)I went through years and years of HELL and deserve to celebrate the end of Hell, dammit!! ;)

So I met 10 of my girlfriends for dinner and drinks at a little uptown mexican food restaurant. My sister-in-law even brought me a cake:
(the "forever" and the "rs" in forever yours is crossed out, and the envelope says "Cash for Gold")

We had a great time catching up, several friends I hadn't seen in a long time were there along with friends I see often. After dinner the entire staff of waiters with their thick mexican accents brought me the cake and sang "Happy Deeeeevorce to Youuuuu". HILARIOUS.

After dinner about 6 of us continued on to a lounge I'd never been to before. We walked in and were literally the only people in the place besides the staff. It was great though, we got to pick our booth and act crazy and be ridiculous before anyone could show up and witness it. I guess that's what we get for being a bunch of soccer moms showing up to a hip young lounge like that ;)

The server brought me 3 shots and a chaser to celebrate. I believe I might have toasted the Ex and said something like "Good Riddance" or even "Cheating Bastard" but it's fuzzy after that ;)

We danced, we giggled, I was incredibly obnoxious after the shots and drunk texted just about everyone I knew. I think I begged the DJ to play us some Britney, too (it never happened, but he did dedicate a song to me in honor of the divorce "Don't Want No Short xxxx Man")

There were some really sweet moments too, my awesome sister-in-law stood up at dinner and toasted me and my strength at getting through the past few years. That meant a lot to me.

Girls I know many of you are reading and I love all of you, Saturday night meant the world to me but more importantly, your support through everything I have been through has been phenomenal, and I love you all so much. There is no way I'd have come through this alive without you guys.

I am so happy to be moving past all of this and I am incredibly optimistic about my future. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.

NYC

Just got back from an awesome vacation with one of my best friends to NYC, my absolute favorite place in the entire world. This is my 4th trip to NYC in 18 months.

I cannot describe the feeling I have when I am there. I don't know where it comes from. I have a connection to that city that I can't explain. Maybe it is from growing up watching Sesame Street, maybe it is the perfect environment for my ADD brain, maybe it is just the coolest place in the universe. Not sure.

We planned the trip this weekend on purpose: 2 weeks post divorce, 2 days before my birthday, and right in the middle of the busy season. It was a total mind vacation from all the stress both good and bad from the past few months. I really, really needed it.

We saw three Broadway shows, ate tons of mind-blowing food, navigated the subway and streets like old pros, shopped like crazy, and my favorite: just sat in Central Park on the most perfect of fall days and enjoyed the surroundings.

I accomplished another one of my little "dreams" by spending a morning running the Brooklyn Bridge, like a real New Yorker. It almost killed me (did you know that the first half of the bridge is all uphill??? I forgot) but I did it. Me, little old me, ran from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back again. Pinching myself the whole way:

The last time I was in NYC was last December, 4 months post-separation. The night before I left, my then estranged husband informed me that he was moving out of his mom's and into his own apartment. He seemed so excited and happy to be doing it. I thought I didn't care, but spent my entire trip in NY thinking I had a stomach bug. On the plane on the way back, I realized what I was flying back to--a new world, a new life with just me and the kids, sadness and anger and depression. Any tiny glimmer of hope I had of him magically figuring out how to make it all right and coming home began to melt away. I cried my eyes out looking at my city from the plane, and tried to tell myself that it would all be ok. The weeks following would bring major depression and grief, and the next month would bring the news about my father's brain tumor.

This time though, leaving NYC wasn't so bittersweet, as it has been. I loved my trip, but I also love my life at home. I love being a single mom to these three amazing kids, I love how strong I have become in such a short period of time. I love that when the plane hit major turbulence on takeoff and I was scared to death, I knew I could get through it because I can get through anything. I love that my home is happy and carefree, that my friends are always here for me and make me laugh constantly, that I always have someone to talk to, that I love my job again, and that I MADE THIS HAPPEN. Me, all by myself, like a real grownup. I am so proud of my life.

And then there is Mr. Wonderful, my "icing on the cake" who is becoming so much more than that. The morning of my run across the Brooklyn Bridge, I had an email waiting from him with encouraging words and a weather report. He encourages me every single day to continue on the path that I was on before I met him, just now with him by my side (figuratively for now, but literally soon), cheering me on every step of the way. I met his mother last week, and our amazing conversation ended with her hugging me and telling me that her son and I were obviously meant to be. My happy ending, complete with Love...I got it.

The next time I'll be back in NYC is in December. This trip was an early birthday present from Mr. Wonderful, and it will be our first vacation together. I can't imagine anything more perfect to end this year, it has all come full circle in such an incredible and unexpected way.

The Aftermath

It's been almost a week since I finalized my divorce to my now ex-husband. I still kind of flinch when I say that word. I've wanted to call him that for so long, it's so strange that it is now actually true. I remember when we first got married, we loved to introduce each other to people as "my husband" and "my wife". My how things can change.

The first day I couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to talk to anyone.

The second day I got out of bed (only because I had to work), but still didn't really want to talk to anyone. It wasn't so much sadness anymore but more of a numbness that had set in. As I've mentioned earlier in this blog, numbness is my defense mechanism when things get too hard. It's great for getting me through trauma, but also sort of puts off the inevitable.

By Thursday I was feeling well enough to get to the gym and hit the treadmill and yoga. I worked off a ton of stress by running the hardest I have in a long time, and then centered myself with the yoga class. I felt much better.

Somewhere in those few days my ex had a literal nervous breakdown. He called me from his car in the middle of a total panic attack, had to leave work and get his mother to take him to the doctor. He has been put on medication now, thank God. But not before having another crying attack while picking up the kids for the evening. I kept firm to my boundaries...but to say watching him have an emotional breakdown isn't draining and upsetting would be a lie, especially since it's happening in front of the kids.

I also struggled with my own internal "freakout" dialogue again. I told myself I was crazy to be putting myself into a vulnerable position with Mr. Wonderful again. That there is no possible way I could ever go through with getting married again because look at how this ended and I refuse to EVER, EVER go through this again. I honestly had NO IDEA how difficult this divorce would be. I still haven't had a glimpse at those feelings of "freedom" that I was sure I would experience. Just sadness, mind-gripping fear of falling into the same traps in the future, and a lot of numbness.

I'm talking myself through the freakouts by asking myself daily if the good that can come of the risk of trying again outweighs the potential bad of losing another love or going through another divorce. Not even just daily....sometimes lately hourly. I had to get myself through another disagreement with Mr. Wonderful while battling those feelings, and I've so far come out on the other side feeling like I can keep going forward. It's a battle right now, but I'm sure that once I get some distance from the pain of the divorce it will get easier. He's an amazing man, and I'd regret letting go of him for the rest of my life and that always wins out over any fear of possible future pain.

I go through periods of feeling really strong and unbreakable, and then I go through times of feeling completely broken and exhausted. During those times my body literally shuts itself down...I had fever all weekend and today a migraine. It didn't help that Saturday I was out with my brother and a bunch of friends at an outdoor festival and ran right into my ex and my children. It was so jarring and unexpected that I felt as if I'd been in a car accident.

On top of everything, something has been building up under the surface regarding my father. It's the time of year I think...fall with my Dad means watching football together EVERY sunday, it means my birthday (he always does something special for me), it means him helping me with my kids' birthdays (two of them a week after mine), it means going to the State Fair with him, it means him trick or treating with us, it means Thanksgiving at his house, it means his own birthday at his favorite German restaurant. All of our traditions since I was born, every single one of them in the fall and every single one of them without them this year. It's hard to accurately describe the state he is in right now, but he is not Dad anymore, and I'm coming to a place of realizing that he will never rehab from this. That he's stuck, forever, in a body that makes him like a baby. On top of this, his wife has stopped all communication with me and my brother. There is guilt for not visiting him enough (I have major panic attacks everytime I go now, so I have to limit my visits). I wish this situation would somehow resolve, but it seems like it's going to be a wide open wound that I carry around for a good long time. I don't know whether to grieve or hope. I don't know how to do anything in between.

I realize that I'm dealing with two major traumas at once and I am cutting myself slack for wanting to just crawl under the covers and avoid the world and all of it's cruelness at times. I also know that I always come back to a place of happiness and strength and I just have to be patient with myself and pay attention to my own needs.

I have planned a "Divorce Party" for myself in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that celebrating my freedom with my friends, who I love so much and without whom I never would have made it through, will help me get to a place of being proud of everything I've done and to feel the freedom of being out of a bad marriage. If nothing else it will be an evening surrounded by people who love me and have supported me through my decisions and have lifted me up in the bad times, and will be here to celebrate the good ones with me too.

Friday I leave for my favorite place in the entire world, NYC, with one of my best friends. I'm hoping being in my very own "happy place" will pull me out of this lull or whatever it is. Four days of pure bliss and self-indulgence and enjoyment.

Until then I will just stay here under my covers I think. It feels safe for now.