I've been on the anti-depressant medications for almost a month now. And while I'm just now getting to this point, I am so, so thankful that it is working. I feel happiness. I feel joy. I feel love.
There are side effects, the least favorable being the additional anxiety on top of my already highly anxious mind...but I will take a little teeth grinding in order to escape suicidal thoughts, self-harming, and laying on the shower floor wailing. All for no circumstantial reason...just that overwhelming feeling of doom and guilt and failure. I am so relieved to have that cloak lifted from over me that I could sing.
I'm 35 years old and have dealt with this on and off since I was a pre-teen, maybe younger. I don't think I fully understood this disease until this last horrible bout with it. I thought I was overly emotional, damaged from all I've been through, weak for wanting to just give up. I think this had to happen in the middle of the happiest year of my life thus far for me to fully realize how much of a physical disease this is.
My heart breaks for those who constantly struggle with this. I won't be taking myself off the medication this time around. It took me too long to wrap my head around not being able to control the depression with diet, exercise, and supplements. I'm so anti-medicine that I almost lost my own fight on principle. Stubborn as hell.
While I'm feeling the full range of emotions again, I am still pretty shellshocked after the trauma of it all. But a day at a time I am adding little things back in...in order of priority. One of these days I'll be back to my normal.
We spent our anniversary snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of wine we bought in Napa on our honeymoon, saved for a year just for the occasion. We listened to our wedding playlist, reminisced about the most perfect day ever, and how happy we are to be by each other's sides. I'm so lucky to have that man as my partner in life.
Finally, reading this post I found through a CNN article, written by comedian Rob Delaney, was a turning point for me in realizing how much of a monster I was actually just up against. His description of his episode is almost word for word what I just encountered. And as he says:
This episode drove home the knowledge that, like alchoholism, depression demands respect and attention. Whether it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing, I cannot pretend to know, but it exists and it can kill you dead.