Thursday, January 22, 2009

For cryin' out loud

So two days ago I get the news, out of left field, that my father has a mass in his brain.

Today, I went with him to the dr. to find out what we were dealing with. Although it is benign (THANK GOD), it's inoperable.

Now not to sound totally selfish, because I do realize that this is a selfish thought...but this blog is about me...and I just want to SCREAM at God or the Universe or whatever...WHAT THE F**K

I feel like I keep getting shot, then I get back up bloodied and try to walk away, just to be shot again...and again, and again.

I mean isn't there only so much one person can take?

I am so glad that my Dad doesn't have cancer. Believe me, I am not overlooking this.

But this part of me is so SICK AND TIRED of having rugs yanked out from under me.

And then I'm even scared to say that because it's like some force is trying to test me to see how much I can take. I know that doesn't really make sense. I haven't slept much in the last two days.

I do know this for sure: never say "Well at least it can't get worse". Or if you do, be sure ya knock on wood right after.

And my husband....what a useless creature he has turned out to be. My first instinct was to call him after I found out. And I did. And he's as useless as he was before we separated. Totally unable to produce any sort of emotion or warmth. He tried to be reassuring, but God help me, it comes out sounding so condescending and invalidating because he is so stone cold.

Thank God for my brother and my girlfriends.

I promise that soon I will get around to a more positive perspective. It's there, it is. But I just needed to indulge my anger for one evening.

I'm tired of even talking about it and just want to go veg and pretend like there is no giant golfball sized tumor smooshing my father's brain and no separation and no clueless husband.

But for some reason life just won't stop for me and let me do that.