Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Slump.

OK, I'm definetly hitting a slump over here.

I really, really didn't want to admit it. I feel like I'm admitting defeat. I was feeling so good and hanging out with friends and doing yoga and losing weight and was finding POSITIVES about the separation.

And then the news about my Dad.

I don't know if it's like a computer that became so overwhelmed with information that it just crashes, because that's how I feel. I feel nothing, still numb.

I know that I don't want to get up in the morning, but I don't want to go to sleep at night. I don't want to shower or wear decent clothes. I don't care if I have on makeup or if my hair is clean.

I don't care that I haven't done the laundry or the dishes, or that 6 weeks worth of work is waiting for me. I don't care if the kids get their homework done. I don't know what it is that I want or need, I am just numb.

My closest friend today told me I seemed depressed, that she's never seen me this bad. But I have been at those depths of depression, where everything seems to be spiraling out of control and you can't shake the feeling of complete and utter doom...I was there just a month ago...but this is different. I just can't feel. At. all.

Maybe somewhere inside I am scared to feel based on what my brain is interpreting as my current circumstances. I am completely aware in my head that I should be scared, I should be angry, I should be upset and sad and lonely and all of those things. My Dad is in serious danger, my husband and I have split, and I am a single mom of 3 kids who hasn't worked in 6 weeks.

I can say that the one thing that brings up any kind of feeling for me is thinking about the fact that I am totally alone in this. Yes, I have my mom, my brother, my family, my amazing girlfriends, but I do not have my spouse. I don't have that safety haven where I can curl up in a ball and cry and be held without judgement or without worry of judgement. It's just not the same. That safety haven has been destroyed and is no longer safe. This is the one thing that can bring tears to my eyes.

Other than that, I look and feel like a walking zombie. I've lost myself again somewhere.

6 comments:

  1. NO! you have not lost yourself...Who bought your house? Who bought your BMW? Not your spouse..just you! Do you know how amazing you are? sleeping by your self is not a bad thing! You said he snores!!!!!!!!!!!!!whom would want that? You are the most amazing thing there is! you should know! I look up to you! I miss you so much, but I'll be there soon!-Debbie

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  2. I know you you feel. I really do. I just try to get all Annie on my ass "Tmrw's just a day away." Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't.

    I'm sorry your sad.

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  3. Oh Anonymous aka my bestest friend in the entire world...how is it that you always know exactly what to say...you brought the first smile to my face in days. I love you so much. I know if you were still living here you'd be getting me shitfaced every night and into someone else's bed right away, LMAO
    MISS YOU

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  4. Hang in there, I'm sending you a day at a time vibes.. Just breathe. Soon the fog will lift and you will rise up again.

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  5. I'm so sorry you are sad....just reading this post breaks my heart. Just know that you ARE stronger than you believe yourself to be. You WILL make it through. Reach out to this amazing bloggy world...there are so many of us that have been there, done that and made it through. You are not alone, even when you feel that you just may be, and there are many, many wise and wonderful women who can offer an ear, a shoulder, a kind word and tons of advise.

    Hang in there sweetling....

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  6. I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you and wishing I was there to hold your hand.

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