OK, I'm definetly hitting a slump over here.
I really, really didn't want to admit it. I feel like I'm admitting defeat. I was feeling so good and hanging out with friends and doing yoga and losing weight and was finding POSITIVES about the separation.
And then the news about my Dad.
I don't know if it's like a computer that became so overwhelmed with information that it just crashes, because that's how I feel. I feel nothing, still numb.
I know that I don't want to get up in the morning, but I don't want to go to sleep at night. I don't want to shower or wear decent clothes. I don't care if I have on makeup or if my hair is clean.
I don't care that I haven't done the laundry or the dishes, or that 6 weeks worth of work is waiting for me. I don't care if the kids get their homework done. I don't know what it is that I want or need, I am just numb.
My closest friend today told me I seemed depressed, that she's never seen me this bad. But I have been at those depths of depression, where everything seems to be spiraling out of control and you can't shake the feeling of complete and utter doom...I was there just a month ago...but this is different. I just can't feel. At. all.
Maybe somewhere inside I am scared to feel based on what my brain is interpreting as my current circumstances. I am completely aware in my head that I should be scared, I should be angry, I should be upset and sad and lonely and all of those things. My Dad is in serious danger, my husband and I have split, and I am a single mom of 3 kids who hasn't worked in 6 weeks.
I can say that the one thing that brings up any kind of feeling for me is thinking about the fact that I am totally alone in this. Yes, I have my mom, my brother, my family, my amazing girlfriends, but I do not have my spouse. I don't have that safety haven where I can curl up in a ball and cry and be held without judgement or without worry of judgement. It's just not the same. That safety haven has been destroyed and is no longer safe. This is the one thing that can bring tears to my eyes.
Other than that, I look and feel like a walking zombie. I've lost myself again somewhere.