Today I decided to rip off a big band aid that has been looming over me for a month now. I decided to go and see my husband's apartment for the first time. I am not sure what I was expecting, but it was not this.
For one thing, it's new and beautiful. He has granite countertops, cherrywood cabinets, and brand new appliances. He has a huge jacuzzi tub and giant windows. It's nicer and more updated than our home. It's spacious, has new carpet, and the kids love it. They gave me the grand tour.
He has brand new furniture, and it's pretty sleek and modern. 10 years ago before we had kids, it would have made a nice little love nest for the two of us. Now, it's his Goddamn bachelor pad.
I had to leave and forgot to even kiss my kids goodbye. I couldn't leave fast enough. I felt dizzy and nauseous. It made it all so real. My husband lives in an apartment. I live alone in my house. How did this happen? How did the man I love, who was with me holding my hand through our children's births, who stood with me and vowed to love me and be faithful to me in front of God, become a stranger? Or, an acquaintance? How is this even possible?
It would be so much easier to hate him, and after the things he has done and the decisions he has made, I should. And sometimes I do. But I just can't make the two emotions go together. I have always envisioned growing old with him. Traveling together after our children grow up. He is my source of comfort and security, as well as a source of unimaginable pain and anguish. I just can't wrap my head around it all.
But I do remain certain that as much as it hurts, this is how it has to be. (Maybe he should be living in a crappy run down low rent apartment to make it all seem more fair, but that's just me)
Has anyone ever seen "The Story of Us" with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis? It is currently in rotation on the Lifetime Movie Network. It is such a real representation of the separation process and the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm not even sure how it ends, if they end up together or not, but I couldn't believe how dead on the portrayal of the "break" is.
Tonight is one of the nights that I thought ahead and made plans with family to see a movie and have dinner, and I think I will go and sleep until then. This has just been a little too much today.