Towards the end of this week, I started thinking about how it might be safe to start missing my husband a little. It's an authentic feeling, it doesn't mean that I would change anything or that I want him back, but I felt like maybe I was in a safe place to start feeling those feelings. Missing the way he would hug me with my arms tucked into his chest, missing how it felt to sleep with our feet tangled together, those sorts of things. Inviting those feelings back in required me to let my guard down a little. Necessary, but risky.
This afternoon I stumbled across something he had posted online about our relationship. There is a social website he posts on and sometimes when I miss him, I read what he is writing just to feel like I'm still in his life a little. It's usually about food or politics or whatnot. Today, he decided to speak about an argument he and I used to have. In essence, he was making fun of me, and another girl was obviously in on it with him, like it was an inside joke between the two of them.
First came the waves of anger. I wanted to bash his head in. Here I have been fondly remembering our private lives together and missing him, and he is publicly mocking everything that we had and reducing it to nothing. I just can't, in my head, wrap my mind around who he was versus who he is now. My rock, my strength, my safety and security, my safest outlet, all these years...now continually negating everything we had and causing me further pain. Obviously he caused me pain for us to end up separated in the first place, but he was always sorry...remorseful...he had me believing that throughout it all he still loved me. I guess that even though I know I can't be with him, it hurt a little less to think that he still loves me. Maybe the guy isn't capable of it. I don't know. But all I know is that it hurt like hell and I felt so stabbed in the back.
I had to immediately email my circle of friends for support. I couldn't hold back the tears and just wanted to hear that I wasn't crazy and that this sucks. Of course they validated my feelings and I felt so much better. I really don't know what I would do right now without my friends. Leaning on them is going to get me through this, I just know it.
How do you ever trust again after someone you trust with so much of yourself can be so careless with your feelings and your life together? To see our relationship mocked and disrespected...12 years together...three children...secrets told to only each other...sacrifices made...I gave this my all and I just can't see myself ever putting myself in this kind of "danger" again. I will NEVER GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.
I talked about this with my therapist a little last night and she assures me that if I continue to work on myself, I will recognize warning signs and red flags ahead of time. I hope so. I would rather be alone forever than live through this agony again.
Lessons learned today:
1. It's time to let go of my husband, completely. No more reading what he has to say.
2. I need to channel this anger into making me the best I can be (thanks to my friends for that line of wisdom)
3. Leaning on my friends is going to get me through this.