Tuesday, January 20, 2009


When I first started writing this blog, I imagined 10 or 20 of my closest friends and family would read it. It just so happens that I have a couple of very internet-famous friends, and last I checked my stats, a couple hundred of you are reading this everyday. This is great! Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be out there (which is why I'm staying anonymous) in the hopes of hearing words of wisdom from those going through it or that someone might take something I say here and find it helpful in their own situation.

But last night? I had THAT dream. You know, the one where you're walking everywhere naked and everyone is staring at you. I think it was prompted by my last statcounter check ;)

I have NEVER been one to talk about my feelings to anyone. Maybe my closest friends, and even then I would censor myself based on what I thought they wanted to hear. I'm that girl, the people pleaser. Ugh I hate that. So this is SO liberating to me! I feel like a new person, just knowing that I'm putting myself out there (albeit anonymously).

I had a sad moment last night when I looked at my toothbrush and realized that it needed to be replaced. Why is this sad, you wonder? My husband is a hygiene freak and would always replace my toothbrush for me exactly every 6 months. The last time he replaced it was just before he left. It's been six months.

Another little pothole in the road. I will go out and buy myself another damn toothbrush, just like I started taking out the trash myself, getting into the attic, and other things I never did before he left. It's true, I married very young, straight from my parents' house to living with my husband, and had never taken my own trash out before. 32 years old. Isn't that crazy to think about? I just always saw it as his job. The first time I did it myself, I thought, What the HELL have I been so scared of? You draw the bag, you toss it in the dumpster, end of story! Sheesh.

I feel like I'm the poster child for why you shouldn't marry young. You skip right over the part of learning not only who you are, but how to take care of yourself. I went straight from being cared for to taking care of others, and never learned how to take care of me. How in the world can you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with, when you don't know who you are? I'm not saying it never works out when people marry young, but it just makes it so much harder. I was definetly finding myself during my marriage, but at such a slow pace that it would have taken me 30 more years to do the work of a few years on my own.

I also had a little epiphany this weekend. I went out with my brother and his wife a couple of nights ago and had a GREAT time (as I always do with them). We actually ended up at a restaurant at 3am and sat next to a guy I was attracted to. He turned around and struck up a conversation with us and eventually, he and I were flirting so heavily that I thought my brother might strike him. (or it could have been that I was keeping him from bed, or both). I chalked it up to, it feels SO GOOD to know that I am still attractive to guys.

I grinned and grinned about that the whole way home and the whole next day. But then I realized that this is exactly why the experts all tell you to wait at least a year before you date again. I was desperate for a guy's validation that I am good enough to want (although I didn't really realize that until the attention came). I am not saying that that shouldn't feel good, but I could definetly feel that I was tiptoeing that line of needing it too much, of placing TOO MUCH value on it. I need to love myself enough to know that any guy would be lucky to have me before I actually get out there again. Otherwise, I am right back where I started with my husband, same shit different day.

And I feel myself moving in that direction now. I can feel that this is the right direction. My doubts are lessening, my future seems brighter everyday.

Either that or my antidepressants are working REALLY well ;)


  1. Hi, I found your blog and went back and read all your entries and all I can say is I am in awe of you. I am currently going through the same thing as you, only I am at the stage where we are trying to make it work. The unknown of where I will be at in a year is killing me. When you said you went from living with your parents to living with your husband that is exactly me. I have never taken the trash out, that like you said is his job. I am brand new to these feeling (just found out about him having an emotional affair the beginning of this month) and like you I am having a really hard time opening up about how I am feeling to people. I to like to only please people so I will sugar coat things, tell people oh things are going good, only to want to curl up and cry. I am 29 going to be 30 this year and have been married for 8 years. And I cant really say I know myself. I live for my kids, and my husband. I do whatever I can to please them and put myself second. I think I have a lot of growing to do if my marriage is going to survive.

    Ok I just went on and on and didnt really mean to. sorry!

    Just know your words are meaning a lot to a lot of people or at least to me. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Rachel, I am so glad you commented. And I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I promise that couples DO get through this, as long as both parties work actively, so there is still hope for you! Just do what you said and keep trying to figure yourself out. Good luck to you :)