Monday, January 12, 2009

Denial, but today didn't suck.

Yes, today did not suck. I felt ok today, somewhat on an upward trend I hope. Weekdays tend to be easier for me anyways. I am in the normal routine of everyday life, just as it was before the separation. I wake up alone, yes. I get the kids ready for school, my husband comes by to take them to school, and then the day is the same as it was before the separation. I realized today that this is the Denial phase of my grief.

I was out doing the usual routine and for a split second had the urge to call my husband and tell him something. I've heard that similar things happen to those who are grieving the death of someone close. I realized that during the weekday, my head is still in the same place...he's just at work, I'll see him tonight. Then 5:30 rolls around and everything sinks in a little bit. I'm the only one making dinner, I'm the only one rounding everyone up, I'm the only one doing dishes, the only one doing bedtimes. I'm responsible for remembering to get all the bills paid and making sure the trash goes down on the right night (I've forgotten so many times already). I. am. alone.

I feel good about all I've been able to accomplish on my own so far, of course, this is all about to change. I'm self-employed and have been on an extended leave from work (more than 4 weeks now). I was supposed to start again today and just couldn't make myself do it. I just now got the whole single motherhood thing down WITHOUT having to work, and just barely. I still feel like I'm losing my mind a lot of the time. I haven't worked without his help, ever. Before my 4 week leave he was still coming over every night to help with baths and such, before he had his own apartment. That's not going to happen anymore.

I'm trying to open my mind up to some solutions and I think adding another day of childcare for my youngest is going to have to happen. I feel so sick about this. I have been lucky enough to be around for my children during the day and work at night but that was only possible because of his presence here. I'm not going to have the energy to stay up late working anymore now that it is all on my shoulders. And now that I've given my children my undivided attention for 4 weeks, I just can't let that go, at least I want it in the evenings still.

Then guess what....the angry phase is back upon me when I realize that life isn't the way it used to be. Why is this happening to me? I am mad at everyone, from God to him to myself to my parents to society in general.

On another note, I'm taking a sort of baby step tomorrow by attending my first yoga class. Yoga is something my therapist has recommended to me to ease my anxiety and stress level. I have DVD's and did prenatal yoga all through my last pregnancy because it actually alleviated preterm contractions (all the oxygen? I don't know). I'm pretty familiar with it but never been to an actual class. I am sort of a loner, not a joiner by any means, but I LOVE making friends. I know, wierd combo. A yoga class was on my unofficial but soon to be official list of things I want to do/try now to help find myself. I think having a teacher to answer to each week is going to help keep me accountable too.

Soon I'm going to be compiling a list of things I want to try to help me find myself again. On days like today I feel good enough to start thinking about the things I think will be fun for me. So I'm going to start a list in a separate post of things I love, used to love, or want to try. If you read this and have any ideas for me please let me know, I am totally open to suggestions!

I'll be adding to the list as I go so it will be a constant work in progress as I learn new things about myself.

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