I took the weekend off from writing to see if maybe just getting away from *thinking* so much and just total distraction would help at all.
I feel like the pressure cooker was about to explode and I just needed to let off a little steam.
Friday night, definetly a low point, but glad it happened...I have some direction now, I see what my future holds instead of a giant question mark...I may not like it, but at least now I can know where it is that I am going.
And it's funny, in the book I am reading, I read a page just yesterday about how the process of separation and divorce is like being in a big giant maze. If you stop, sit down and cry, you may have no idea that just around the corner is the exit you are looking for. So you just have to keep moving on and know that the end is out there somewhere.
I got some much needed sleep on Saturday afternoon, saw a movie, had dinner with my brother and sister-in-law Saturday night to regather after the week's events with our father, and then hopped on over to my best-friend-since-middle-school's house for a good old fashioned sleepover. Her divorce was finalized just last Thursday, and although she and her husband had been separated for a year and a half, the finality of it snuck up on her and she needed me, and I of course needed her!
So we drank some apple martinis, talked and talked and talked about our situations, watched a movie, and I slept in her spare room. I slept surprisingly well, and I had to ask myself if it was the appletinis, or the fact that I wasn't in the bed that I shared with my husband for 11 years... I really do need to consider buying a new bed.
And then today, she and I attended the first class of a 6 week Divorce Recovery group at my church. I wasn't really sure how I was going to feel about this class. My goal was to meet more people in my area going through what I am going through. Within minutes of beginning, I was so glad I came, and I shed my first tears about my Dad's brain tumor (I have been anxiously awaiting those). I met some great people, but I'll admit it was tough to be in the midst of so much pain...so many stories of so much cruelty...I almost felt lucky.
This is such a painful process. It is such a vulnerable place to be and somewhere none of us ever thought we'd end up.
I spent today with my Dad at my brother's, watching the Super Bowl. We didn't talk about tumors or hospitals or anything but funny commercials, Kurt Warner, and Bruce Springsteen hitting the camera with his crotch at halftime. It was nice. I really want to believe that laughter is healing, and the goal is to make Dad laugh as much as possible.
And tonight I came home and faced the man that I couldn't even look at after Friday night, with no problem. He was here with my kids when I got back from my brother's, and I could carry on a conversation with him, now knowing that I am moving forward with the divorce...his actions are meaningless to me from here out. At least, that is the goal.
I'll be getting in touch with a financial advisor this week to help me secure my money and the kids' college money, and then will begin the process with my lawyer. It's so scary. But everytime I start to have doubts, I just re-read my post from Friday night, and my doubts are diminished greatly.
So I made it through the weekend one hour at a time, and hopefully can get through this week in the same manner.
Which reminds me, your comments mean everything to me. I love hearing your stories, and when you leave comments I feel supported and stronger...so thank you!