Thursday, February 19, 2009

I am healing!

Oh what a couple of days this has been. But I have good news...

I AM HEALING!!!

It dawned on me last night, as I prepared to go to sleep...

When we first separated, by far the worst time of day was at night when the lights went off and I was ALONE. At first, I kept the tv on all night and took meds to sleep. After awhile I would fall asleep with only the tv on but it stayed on all night. Eventually I stayed up way too late watching and would only turn it off to sleep when I couldn't keep my lids open. More recently I started turning it off early and falling asleep to classical music. Last night, I noticed that there was no empty feeling, no "someone is missing and I am desperately alone" feeling, anywhere in sight. So I turned off my light, layed down with no tv or music, and went right to sleep. I slept better last night than I have in months. And I woke up with "I am healing!" running through my brain. What a great feeling!!!!

Here I am with a whole new perspective on being alone. I not only like it...I friggin' LOVE it. The recent disruptive behavior by my husband has made all of my doubts go away as to whether I was making the right decision. He is making that really easy by acting like an asshole.

I met with my therapist tonight and told her all about my new perspective, my amazing Valentine's Day...and how I "get it" now...the whole being single thing. Not just being single, but being WHOLE. I can carry this attitude into my next relationship with me. No one has to take care of me, no one has to spoil me, no one is responsible for me but ME. That is such a freeing feeling!!

We talked alot about the situation with my husband wanting to create this drama and she gave me a great perspective on that too. I am not giving it another thought, I'm not engaging in this codependency he is trying to force me into. I will not let his drama ruin my happiness. Because it has been a LONG time since I felt happy and at peace, and NO ONE is going to take that away from me.

And PS because I have a few friends who were waiting to hear about this--I asked her about the dating thing. She said it wasn't her call, but I asked for her opinion because I did not want to be detrimental to my process in any way. She thinks I need to get through this drama and my Dad's surgery, and that I need to work with her about seeing "red flags" in future men so I don't jump back into the same type of situation. I have to say I agree. But if cute guy calls me I'm gonna tell him to give me a couple of months :)

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