I've had a little more time now to look back and reflect on the past few weeks of my life. This has been a whirlwind, to say the least.
I am able now to forgive myself for feeling so rotten. When I look at what life has thrown at me over the past few months....hell...over the past few weeks...I can say geez, no wonder you haven't been able to get out of bed.
I do feel a little relief now knowing there is some hope for my Dad. And the perspective has been good for me.
My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage just 3 1/2 years ago. They both remarried within a year. Both new spouses are nice, but it has always been hard for me to accept that my parents were no longer together, when that was all I had known since the day I was born.
Since my Dad's illness I have watched his new wife fall apart in the shadows, and then put on a brave face for my Dad. She is the first face he searched for after coming out of his invasive tests, and it was her hand he reached for for reassurance while we talked to his neurosurgeon. She constantly reassures him that he will get through this because he is a fighter. I honestly don't know that he WOULD get through this without her.
Watching them and thinking about the two of them and how they have gotten through this has given me a new perspective on love. Granted they haven't been married long, but I truly believe that they are meant for each other, and I'm witnessing first hand why that is.
I deserve that kind of love. I've never had it. God knows I have been through my tough times, and I have always gotten through these types of things on my own. Sometimes the loneliness of dealing with any trauma was worse, simply because he was there, but he wasn't.
Yes, sometimes, it's nice to have a body to put their arms around you, or to have an arm to snuggle up next to in the middle of the night when the nightmares come. That physical touch has certainly been missed during this ordeal with my dad.
And all these years I have told myself that I am independent and don't need to depend on a man for support or reassurance. But when that person makes a bad situation worse by distancing themselves? It's worse than being alone.
At least now dealing with my Dad, I know that I am going home to an empty house and no emotional support. At least I don't have the illusion that someone can help to comfort me, just to be disappointed when they fail.
I made it through on my own, with the support of my friends and my family, I made it through this diagnosis and I will make it through his surgery.
I've done what it takes not to lose my mind, even when I thought there was no possible way I wouldn't lose my mind. I'm feeling positive again. I think I can make it through this, and I think there is happiness ahead for me.
Because there has to be. This life of just surviving everyday can't go on.