Last night my friends and I hit the theater to see the movie He's Just Not That Into You. I love everyone in it and thought it might be a fun escape. (warning, if you haven't seen the movie and don't want a spoiler, don't read any further)
The movie was great in and of itself, but one of the storylines took an all too close-to-home turn.
Let's just say I could have written the lines myself, because they have come out of my mouth between my husband and I. (and everyone wonders why I'd rather see movies about nuns and priests or Nazi prison guards right now)
I sat there thinking "It's just a movie! Just acting! Not really happening!! Just a movie!!" like someone would who was watching a horror film or something. But the further they got into the story, the more I had to sit on my hands to keep from throwing my large $8 Diet Soda at the screen and screaming obscenities. I was bubbling up with explosive anger as my current life played out on the screen for me to relive once again.
The couple in the movie is married, and at the end, the wife becomes infuriated and tells her husband in a one-lined note "I want a divorce".
So aside from the storyline that was too close to home, I found myself really irritated with how neat and pretty the divorce played out. She just got mad at him, threw his stuff out, and boom she knew she wanted to file for divorce, no doubts, no regrets, just a new home and a new life. And here I am, going through a two year process of this, and STILL have doubts about filing. Literally having to force myself through it.
Why couldn't it have been that simple? Why couldn't I have just said "You know what? I'm done!" And saved myself two years of heartache and strife.
I know life isn't the movies. I know that isn't reality, and maybe some people have that experience but this is my reality. This is messy and ugly and not at all what I expected. But I never expected to be here anyway. I meant it when I said til death do us part. I did everything I could, all of these years, to live up to that promise. But when only one of you means it...what can I do. I must walk away with what is left of my dignity.
When expressing my doubts to my friend last night, she said "Can you see yourself working this out, 5 or 10 years from now, married to him and doing ok?" and I immediately knew the answer was no. As a matter of fact, I know that because two years ago I asked myself the same question, and wasn't sure of the answer, and now I am right back where I started, with the same man with the same problems. Insanity=trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I'm still having major issues with anxiety. Even during a massage last night I was ultra-tense. It seems to only be getting worse. I talked to my therapist about this tonight and she mentioned that my anti-depressants may actually be making my anxiety worse, certain classes of drugs can. I'm going to call my dr and see what he thinks. I can't live like this anymore, my headaches from my clenched jaw are getting worse and worse. I'm not sleeping well, and my body aches all the time. I do realize that I am under a ridiculous amount of stress but this just seems extreme...