Thursday, February 12, 2009

He's Definetly Just Not That Into Me.

Last night my friends and I hit the theater to see the movie He's Just Not That Into You. I love everyone in it and thought it might be a fun escape. (warning, if you haven't seen the movie and don't want a spoiler, don't read any further)

The movie was great in and of itself, but one of the storylines took an all too close-to-home turn.

Let's just say I could have written the lines myself, because they have come out of my mouth between my husband and I. (and everyone wonders why I'd rather see movies about nuns and priests or Nazi prison guards right now)

I sat there thinking "It's just a movie! Just acting! Not really happening!! Just a movie!!" like someone would who was watching a horror film or something. But the further they got into the story, the more I had to sit on my hands to keep from throwing my large $8 Diet Soda at the screen and screaming obscenities. I was bubbling up with explosive anger as my current life played out on the screen for me to relive once again.

The couple in the movie is married, and at the end, the wife becomes infuriated and tells her husband in a one-lined note "I want a divorce".

So aside from the storyline that was too close to home, I found myself really irritated with how neat and pretty the divorce played out. She just got mad at him, threw his stuff out, and boom she knew she wanted to file for divorce, no doubts, no regrets, just a new home and a new life. And here I am, going through a two year process of this, and STILL have doubts about filing. Literally having to force myself through it.

Why couldn't it have been that simple? Why couldn't I have just said "You know what? I'm done!" And saved myself two years of heartache and strife.

I know life isn't the movies. I know that isn't reality, and maybe some people have that experience but this is my reality. This is messy and ugly and not at all what I expected. But I never expected to be here anyway. I meant it when I said til death do us part. I did everything I could, all of these years, to live up to that promise. But when only one of you means it...what can I do. I must walk away with what is left of my dignity.

When expressing my doubts to my friend last night, she said "Can you see yourself working this out, 5 or 10 years from now, married to him and doing ok?" and I immediately knew the answer was no. As a matter of fact, I know that because two years ago I asked myself the same question, and wasn't sure of the answer, and now I am right back where I started, with the same man with the same problems. Insanity=trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I'm still having major issues with anxiety. Even during a massage last night I was ultra-tense. It seems to only be getting worse. I talked to my therapist about this tonight and she mentioned that my anti-depressants may actually be making my anxiety worse, certain classes of drugs can. I'm going to call my dr and see what he thinks. I can't live like this anymore, my headaches from my clenched jaw are getting worse and worse. I'm not sleeping well, and my body aches all the time. I do realize that I am under a ridiculous amount of stress but this just seems extreme...


  1. If there is 1 thing I've learned (and it has taken me a lifetime to learn it!) life is FAR TOO SHORT to not do things that make me happy. Honey, find those things and do them, and all that other crap that tears at your heart throw it out the car window and run it over. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! Key words here are 'YOU' 'DESERVE' and 'HAPPY'

  2. Thanks for visiting my blog. I just wanted to tell you that all that stuff you've heard is day (soon) you'll wake up and see that you're not the same person, not even remotely, and you'll be amazed at how your life has changed. I'm pulling for you...and if there's anyway I can help, please let me know.

  3. I know at this time in your life you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I swear it is there. From reading your blog you have felt pretty shitty about the marriage for 2 years now. I felt shitty about my marriage for about 4 years before I actually filed for divorce. I was scared to death to get divorced because I had 3 small children and had been a stay at home mom for 10 years. I just focused on moving forward. Don't allow the feelings to consume you. Your giving him power over you still. Let go of those feelings and only allow yourself a certain time in a day to focus on them otherwise your gonna make yourself miserable. I look back now as my divorce being the best choice I have ever made. I even comment to my friends that if I would of stayed married to him I would need an anti-depressant just to get out of bed in the morning and would probably weigh about 300 pounds from being so depressed. If you look at certain situations in your life as a learning lesson then learn and move on. I promise you in 2 years you will be a new better person because of this. Just try to focus on that. I am sending you strength!