Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Process to Remarkable

"You're doing remarkably well!"

I'm hearing that alot lately.

My friends are amazed and awed at my incredibly quick turnaround. It actually amazes me to look back at my old posts and see how far I've come so fast. I was wondering today how it could have happened, questioning whether this happiness will actually last and if it is sincere or just a temporary reprieve...

The thing is, the most painful part is over. The actual unwinding of lives was the worst and the most painful. The realization that it was OVER was so, so hard. Something I've learned in therapy is not to bottle up feelings anymore (I was a professional bottler-upper). When something comes up, write about it, cry about it, feel every gut wrenching twinge of angst and pain with every part of your being, or else it never goes away.

For example, 11 years ago I lost a baby mid-pregnancy (6 months along). Being as young as I was (21) with no resources or support, I did the best I could to grieve. I was young and vulnerable to the pressures of society to "move on". I shoved all that grieving away and every year it would eat me alive. Last year, talking to my therapist about the situation, she had me re-live it for her. I cried and moaned and felt sick for a week. But I got it out, after TEN YEARS. It festered and boiled under the surface all that time, but now I can deal.

So through that experience I have learned that it is important to feel everything. I've been putting that into practice for two years of therapy now and feel like it really helped my process along.

Another factor is that my husband is making this easy for me. I look at him now and feel sad, but only for him. He is in a bad place. He is conflicted, confused, and miserable. I have just enough space to have some perspective and to see him as he really is. And I'm seeing myself in a new light too, and I do NOT want to be in the midst of that mess. This life is so much better. My house is totally free of tension and unsaid things. It is now full of love, nurturing, confidence, and laughter. It's amazing how many ways the negativity manifested itself. In the way we ate, the way we slept, the way we lived our everyday life. In 1.5 months, 20 lbs has fallen off of me. I have gained more friends than I have ever had in my life. My kids laugh more, get better grades at school. It has snowballed into this wonderful thing that I am not willing to let go of, EVER.

My next goal is to work on my "list of me". I was reading through it last night and was so surprised at how many I have worked on without even trying to. I've been dancing, I've downloaded a ton of new music and listen to it at all times, I've been going to yoga and love it so much that I go twice a week now, I've had my hair done, I'm loving my job again, I'm going to 2 concerts in the next 4 months, I've tried tons of new restaurants, I saw almost every movie nominated for the Oscars this year, I've had massages just about every other week, I've noticed myself looking strangers in the face again and smiling, I've read several books, bought myself tons of new pj's, bought myself a new bedding set that is all mine, and I've been rollerskating with my kids.

Something I was thinking about was finding a way to sing again...either looking around for some kind of part time thing (singing in a band would be my dream) or with my church choir. If not, maybe just forcing my friends to karaoke every once in a while. I have also been looking at a place close by that gives belly dancing lessons. Why not???

As far as my job, I think that the reason I am coming to enjoy it again is because of all of the above. It is just a piece of my life now, it isn't my entire life...so I don't resent it anymore (well, a little, but that is fading). I feel like I'm getting plenty of time to myself, plenty of time with my kids, and then instead of procrastinating my work I'm sitting down to it with no problem. I am also coming to the perspective of complete and total gratefulness. I took December, January and half of February off...with almost no repercussions...how many people get to do that? I am here for my kids, I can meet friends on Wednesday mornings for coffee, I can work or not work depending on how much I'm making. Ya, it's hard work, but I have it made.

In actuality, it has been 2.5 very long years of pain and suffering. The turnaround does seem fast but only because it seemingly got worse before it got better.

Whatever, I'll take it!!!

1 comment:

  1. As much as I'd love to post a long and inspiring comment...I'll simpoly say this...

    :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

    ....'nough said!