Never.

Tonight I began my homework and reading for my divorce recovery class. Wow am I glad I am taking this class.

For starters, it talks about the difference between positive grieving and negative grieving. Positive grieving is when you remember the happy times in your marriage, can see the good in the past years, and acknowledge that your future is capable of more happiness. Negative grieving is when you forget all the good times and concentrate only on what brought the marriage to it's end, and think only negatively about the person you are divorcing.

I think it's probably normal to go through both types of grieving, but it's only when you are in positive grieving that you can move on. I think this is where I was starting to get to when I allowed my husband to hurt me again. This is because I haven't even really gotten out of the ACCEPTANCE of the fact that he and I are divorcing.

Most of the time I think I do accept it. The fact that when he acts like an ass to me that it takes me so off-guard is worrisome to me. Why don't I accept this by now? Because in my mind he is still the same person he used to be, some part of me is not accepting that this is who he is now and that THIS is reality.

Not accepting it is not going to change it. He is who he is. He changed, and that SUCKS worse than anything can suck, but it's true. He is not who I want him to be, he is not who I thought he was, and he never will be.

It took me a good minute of mulling it over to type that last part.

HE NEVER WILL BE THE MAN I WANT HIM TO BE

Maybe once I accept this I can stop being so surprised and so open to hurt when he is insensitive or selfish. And then I can move onto the part where I am grateful for our past but accepting that it is over.

Tomorrow I meet with my financial advisor (who happens to be my mother's husband) and get my finances straightened out. Then I will contact my lawyer about proceeding. Maybe that will help with the acceptance part. Baby steps, right?

Some part of me deep inside believes I am making a mistake. That if I just communicated with him, if I just did this or that, that I'm not doing enough...then we wouldn't have to divorce. This is irrational. But it's in there, and I have to address it.

I think I was expecting the separation to play out like this:

-I kick him out, he realizes every mistake he's ever made and can't stand living without us. He hits his low point and this causes him to turn his life around.
-He works on himself thoroughly through counseling and group therapy while communicating all the changes to me
-He works endlessly to "make it right"...he tells me he wants me back and sends me flowers, "courts" me
-We date again and I realize he has indeed changed
-Reconciliation.

Now that I've written it down, it's ridiculous, especially based on my husband's previous behavior. He's never acted like this in his life, why would he start now?

It reads out like a movie or a fairy tale, doesn't it.

Maybe some sort of ritual is in order. Some sort of putting things away, remembering the good, a eulogy for the marriage. Hmmm, that is an interesting thought. I'll get right on that.