Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Missing Ingredient

I feel amazing! I never thought I would have the ability to feel so happy during this process! I am not kidding myself into believing that there are not more hard times to come (filing and finalizing the divorce, future partners, etc.) but I honestly feel I have come through the worst and am on the other side! And I am also learning to celebrate these happy moments...being unhappy for so many years has given me SUCH an appreciation for the wholeness and fulfillment I feel right now. It puts the depths of despair into perspective: would I appreciate my happiness as much if I had not been through the valleys?

This weekend I made several babysteps towards building myself my own life. I bought myself new, smaller clothes after celebrating a momentous weigh-in: I'm the thinnest I've been in 5 years, and I'm HEALTHY. I splurged this weekend on a gorgeous new bedding set that is ALL colors, my fabric, my choice. No old memories associated with it, just new ones of independence and freedom. This evening while I watch the Oscars I am packing all of my husbands crap into trash bags for him to finally take with him.

Last night my husband tried to reel me in for a dramatic conversation or a guilt trip of some sort and I didn't even flinch. I dismissed it and didn't beat myself up over what he had said or even give it a second thought. (it must be driving him nuts to see me so confident, happy, and thriving on my own)

I LOVE MY LIFE. The missing ingredient is no longer missing! I am so happy and I love my kids, my house, my job, and most importantly, MYSELF!!!!! And THAT was the missing ingredient!

This poem was in my divorce recovery workbook, and I think it perfectly describes the place I am at right now:

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
Nor does company mean security
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of a woman/man, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while you even learn that sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn you really can endure...
That you really are strong...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn.
With every goodbye, you learn.


  1. I loved reading this sweetie, I am SO happy to hear all of this. I'm so glad you've found the missing ingredient! Definitely makes me stop and think about myself as well, am I missing too? Hmmm...

  2. you will do it and with so so so much class!!! So proud of you.
    5 family mom