Raw.

This is going to be a really raw and thrown together post. I'm trying to keep myself honest here. It's different knowing that people are reading and commenting than if I were just writing this for me, and I want to be as honest about the process as possible so that I can learn from every situation and grow.

Tonight I had a 2 hour long conversation with my husband on the phone. He has been doing some soul searching, which is great for him and it actually sounds like he is experiencing some growth. But unfortunately, he has decided that something that happened in our family several years ago needs to be addressed in the family (his family). Basically, some inappropriate things were said to me by an extended member of his family, I handled it myself, told him about it later in a fit of anger, and he has held in his anger towards that person ever since. He feels like he has to have closure on the situation. Which means drudging up the past and dragging me into the middle of it. And knowing his family, will be like opening Pandora's Box.

I'm pissed that I'm being brought into drama when I already have enough to deal with as it is. It's also angering to me that he suddenly wants to stand up and fight for something...but losing me wasn't enough to stand up and fight for me.

He apologized to me several times tonight for "not being man enough" while we were married.

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling right now. I guess angry that he never cares enough to protect me from anything. That his feelings and his emotions come first. That he couldn't get his shit together in time for us to work.

It also makes me glad that I am not going to have to deal with the complexity of a relationship for awhile. The whole figuring out what's best for the individuals AND the couple blah blah blah blah blah. I'm over it! I'm in it for me and my kids now.

On the other hand I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Talking to my husband on the phone...hearing his voice...having a real conversation and not just polite exchanges...it was hard.

Ugh I'm exhausted. Didn't sleep at all last night. Stared at the ceiling from to 3-7am. Here's hoping to better luck tonight.