What a difference a week can make.
Last Tuesday I was crying my eyes out almost the entire day, sure I was making a huge mistake...
Today I am feeling like being a single mom may be the best thing EVER.
I don't know if it's because I started making these awesome Valentine's Day plans with my girlfriends that changed my perspective, or if this is just the norm of the emotional roller coaster of divorce. One week you can't stop crying, the next you feel great. That's pretty much been the pattern for a few months now.
I just feel so free all of a sudden. I feel free to make whatever I want for dinner. To do the dishes and not worry about whether someone else in the house is doing their part or not. To make decisions about vacations and money without compromising. To only be responsible for my own laundry (and the kids, of course). To go to whatever church I want, take whatever class I want, read whatever book I want, and get NO OPINIONS on it. To not have the hassle of "putting out" enough or the responsibility of keeping someone happy.
I honestly could run through a field of daisies and leap through the air.
I'm gonna drive my friends nuts, I know I am. Friends who are reading, I apologize in advance. I was reading in my divorce literature that this is how the process goes. One minute I'll be crushed and the next I'll be great. Hopefully it becomes a little less crushed and a little bit greater with every passing week.
In my book today it said that right now, people are watching me, and talking about me behind my back. Whether it be like a rubbernecker watching a car accident, or wondering "What if it were me?" or judging me for the decisions I make, or with genuine concern for my situation. I have to tell you, that line "people are watching you" made my heart stop beating for a minute. I can't imagine saying anything more frightening to me. I hate the thought of being judged or criticized, it terrifies me. Her point in the book was to think carefully through decisions, be mature, and set a good example for those who may go through this later. That rang true for me, especially when I think about this blog and all the nameless people out there reading. I really like the accountability that brings to the table, though. But I can say that I am not perfect and this process is ridiculously hard. The constant ups and downs and mood swings and mixed feelings is sometimes really hard to process, and writing it down here helps me so much.
Excuse me while I go find my field of daisies :)