Something has been brewing with me the past few days and I have to write about it or I am going to lose my mind.
I don't know what triggered it. Maybe I let my thoughts dip down just a little too deeply into the past. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the holidays, a dream I had, a conversation, the residuals of my father almost dying, yet again. I really don't know where this came from.
I just have had this overwhelming panic brewing inside of me in regards to my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. I am constantly torn between wanting to pull him so close to me and cling to him, or pushing him away as far as possible...both actions with the same intention---keep him from hurting me, leaving me, etc. etc. etc.
I described it to a friend like this: it feels like I was a survivor of a horrible plane crash, and just woke up and realized that I'm on a plane again and OMG WHAT AM I DOING HOW DID I GET HERE
But the thing is, I never loved anyone the way I love this man, including my ex. And look at how that ended. Not only did I get hurt, but my three innocent and precious children did too...up in flames, just like that. But this is even more of a risk...and the fallout would be astronomical, at least in my head.
Thoughts going through my head:
Everyone leaves me.
Sure he "would never ever cheat on me". When have I said that before???
So maybe he never cheats on me. What if he just plain falls out of love? What if he gets tired of me and leaves?
It just feels inevitable.
All around me, marriages are either miserable or failing. People who used to be madly in love, just like we are right now, are falling apart. Every relationship I've had up until now has failed. It feels arrogant to think we are above that.
I do realize that my choices are to either run away and never take a chance, or take that huge risk.
Huge risk=great reward? or astronomical heartache?
No risk=no reward? or safety???
The fact is that when I have tried it, it hasn't worked. And it hurt, it still hurts, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm scared to death you guys. Paralyzed with fear.
He wants to know what he can do to minimize this for me. I wish I knew. I'm going to just have to ride it out like I have with everything.
Damn my ex husband for taking my precious trust away. DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CARELESS WITH ME.
But f- him too, because I'm going to keep moving forward and figure this out.