2011

I'm a little late getting this done, I've been formulating in my mind what I wanted my "resolutions" for 2011 to be plus I'm on vacation from my job so sitting at this computer feels like work :)

I say "resolutions" in quotes because I really prefer to think of them as goals. Resolutions infers that I want to change something about myself or my past, and I've learned that no experience, good or bad, comes in vain but with a lesson needed to be learned. Goals are much more attainable and realistic to me. Once I set my mind to something it gets done.

1. Working through more fears- I'm doing really well on my fears on so many fronts. I've learned to trust Mr. W completely, through both my own work and with time and experience showing me he can be trusted. But for some reason I do have one fear remaining and it's a big one: the wedding.

You know how when you've done something before, and you're doing it again, your mind automatically draws back on the experiences of the last time? Yeah. That.

No matter how hard I try and pretend like this is the first wedding "that means anything" or this is "the real deal" it's still not my first wedding. And preparing for it just brings back bad memories, I really don't know how to explain it other than that. I want to be married to Mr. Wonderful, want to be his wife and he my husband....no question. I would do it tonight if he said ok. But he wants a wedding, thank God a small one with family only, and he deserves it. For some reason that I just don't fully understand yet, I have a mental block. I'm going to be working on this in individual therapy over the next few months while at the same time trying to really begin pulling this wedding together. And in the meantime just hope that he is understanding of this and won't take it personally, cuz really....I would.

2. Fitness and health- my fitness and nutrition has become an increasingly important priority to me over the past few years. Every new year I used to make resolutions to "lose weight" until finally a few years ago, I decided I'd had enough beating myself up for the way I looked and was just sick of feeling blah and unhealthy all the time. I changed my eating to feel better and this mentality has kept me working out and eating well for years now, and has kept "lose weight" off my new year's resolutions list. It's a great feeling. But I'm always pushing myself to be the best I can be, and this year I'm working on getting even leaner while sculpting my muscles. I want to seriously be in top shape. While I really started working on this goal back in November, I'm really pushing it over the next several months to see what I can do. Lean meats and fruits and veggies. No sugar, pasta, or bread or cheese. Intense bodyweight workouts. This is my new lifestyle and while a few months ago it sounded impossible, it has become my reality and I LOVE THAT FEELING!

3. My ex- like hitting my head against a brick wall over and over, I keep coming back to this situation. Although I don't understand why, my ex is cold and rude to me in front of my children. I guess in his head he has turned the whole situation around. He can't get past me moving on, or another man becoming a father figure in his kids' lives. I don't know. But my goal from the beginning was always to have an amicable relationship with him for the sake of the kids. And that will never change. I know the feeling of anxiety of being around my parents, who hate each other, as a grown adult...I can't imagine how that translates for a child. I worry everyday how this is affecting them and who they will become. I owe it to them to keep giving it my best and to try and find a way for things to be more comfortable for them.

I'll add more as I think of them. I've sat at this computer for just about as long as I can take :)