Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Reflection

I was driving home from an evening out alone tonight, fully refreshed and relaxed after what I can only describe as being a very stressful, harrowing few weeks. Making last minute decisions on menus and wine and picking up supplies and clothing and getting things tailored...plus sky high paperwork for the three kids starting school again. I've also had to get used to waking up at 6:30am again and making sure everyone is dressed, fed, and at one of their three schools. Soccer has started, dance has started, EVERYTHING HAS STARTED.

But tonight I did what I used to do best, I took myself out on a date. I needed a break. I needed not to hear people speaking to me for awhile, asking me questions, needing of me. I needed not to be running around getting things ready, finished, bought, packed, signed.

So it was with a clear head as I was driving home alone that I had the most overwhelming feeling of peace. I felt totally settled. I thought about my trainwreck of a life, just a few short years ago. Rock freaking bottom, the deepest levels ever imaginable.

And yet I met this man. And I never thought it would work. I never thought I could trust again. I never thought anyone would want this baggage, this situation. I had nothing left to give. And he loved me too, and for some reason it all worked, and I have a healthy, authentic, growing relationship for the first time in my life, and now we are 11 days away from marriage.

My children recovered, from it all. From their father moving out, to virtually losing their grandfather...they are thriving, they are happy, they love Mr. Wonderful, they even seem to still love me.

My business is the best it has ever been. I am working the exact amount I want, and making enough to be comfortable. I have time for my family, my future husband, my friends, and I am doing well.

My circle of friends is a small one, but a sacred, solid ring of trust. All toxicity has been alleviated. Last week I lost two friends (sisters) that I have had since I was a child, and after initially being very upset, I feel so relieved now. It was meant to be. I have learned to keep negativity, immaturity, and obsessiveness away from me. I have enough drama with my daughters. Grown people around me should bring support, encouragement, honesty and trustworthiness. Period.

I'm in total control of my body for the first time in my adult life. I keep myself healthy and strong, I have pushed myself to levels that I never thought I could reach, and on my wedding day I can say I have the body I have always wanted. I feel amazing, rested, and healthy.

My home has been transformed into a place I love, that I'm proud to bring guests to, that brings me great joy everyday.

I even sat with my father last weekend and had what is essentially the first two sided conversation we have had in 2 1/2 years. He has been unable to speak and suddenly is making great strides in his speech, and he was TALKING to us. You don't realize how vital speech and communication is to a relationship until it is taken away. Hearing his voice and his opinions and his jokes again after all this time...unbelievably beautiful.

I walked through the darkness for so long, blind, not knowing if I would ever find light. And now it shines so brightly and beautifully on me that I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am not naive enough to think that more hard times won't be ahead. But with this struggle came strength and perspective that I would not have found otherwise, necessary to face anything. ANYTHING.

In the meantime I will bask in the glory of this awesome light that is shining on me right now. I am surrounded by love, by the exact people I want near me, doing exactly what I want to be doing.

And I will not deny myself that I had a hand in it. I made a lot of this happen through faith, hard work, and determination.



7 comments:

  1. Though I haven't met you in person, I have been one of your long time followers who has been anonymously rooting for you from the sidelines. It is amazing to see how much you have grown in the last few years. You have come so far!!! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I wish you and your beautiful, new family every happiness.

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  2. I'm another stranger-lurker who can't pass up this opportunity to congratulate you on how far you have come. You deserve all these wonderful things and people in your life. I hope your special day this weekend is full of the same light, love, and peace!

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  3. Love this post so so much. Read it days ago and just got back on here to comment. You're just days away from this new beautiful WONDERFUL chapter of your life. I've watched this transformation and journey in your life. I still think of meeting you during one of the worst periods of your life. I've been honored to watch, support, and love you through it all. Your experience has inspired me and given me hope that things will get better.

    Love you so much!

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  4. From another follower who's been cheering you on...

    I too am a divorced mom (my kids are 8 and 4) now negotiating a semi-new relationship (his kids are 13 and 9) and trying to figure out how to integrate everything. It's definitely not easy, but your experience is a great example that it can be done, with patience, commitment and tons of WORK. Wishing you all the best as you begin this next part of your journey. I hope you will continue to keep us posted on all the triumphs and challenges along the way.

    Nancy G.

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