I'm Broken.

The news was not good today. It wasn't devastating, but it wasn't good.

The short story is that my dad needs to have an operation on an inoperable brain tumor. Specialists are being called. Only a few doctors in the country have the expertise to perform the surgery he needs.

I didn't want to leave my Dad at that hospital today. He was with my brother and my sister-in-law and his wife and her family, but I didn't want to leave him. I'm so scared, I'm so angry, I can't wrap my brain around this. I didn't want to come home and not have anyone with me to get me through this.

My husband called to ask what the results were. I gave him as many details as I could come up with considering my state of mind. He just continued to be "positive" and assure me that it would all be fine. I end up feeling like we are arguing because it's like he's trying to force me to feel fine when it's NOT FINE.

Later in the day I felt muscle weakness and started to worry. I have a history of serious illness caused in part by intense stress, muscle weakness being the first sign. I called my husband just at the end of my rope. I asked him if he could please just come to dinner with us and help me get them fed and back home. I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to bring anything home because then there would be a mess, I just wanted to get out of the house, stuff their little faces with someone's help wrangling them, and put them to bed. My Dad would be the first person I called to help me with this but obviously, that was not happening tonight. It was a desperate move.

He said that yes, he could meet us, but he'd have to leave by 8. He was going to see a band tonight. Another band that we used to see together. A band that people dance to. Who was he going with, I was curious...wondering if he had hooked back up with the friends who used to go with us? "Just some friends" which I knew meant women, because if it were anyone else he would have just said names (I asked, and I was right). So now I have a mental image in my head of him going dancing with a bunch of girls, likely drinking too much and hooking up with one, which he can now easily because he has his own place, on top of what has happened to me all day....

I tell him to forget it, his presence will just make it worse, sorry I asked, and hung up the phone.

I've been telling myself that although somewhere inside I knew we weren't going to get back together, some little piece of me was still holding on, unable to say OK it's time to file for divorce. I knew that I would know when the time was right.

Tonight was that night. It's time to get on with it. The fact that he could be so insensitive and selfish after the day I had today with my dad, someone he loves as much as his OWN father, was enough to do it for me. I deserve better.

It also dawned on me that the reason he has been so "positive" about my dad's condition: he feels guilty for not being there for me, so he's trying to minimalize the situation. For his own head.

I cannot continue to be married to someone like that. I know that I have known it, but now I KNOW it.

I am broken, my friends. I am low, I am scared, I am ANGRY, and I just don't know if I can take it anymore. How much can one person be expected to get through?

What can I do about it? I don't know. Just try and make it through this moment I guess, and then the next one. I've lost faith completely. I'm beaten to a pulp.

Still Schlumpy

What is wrong with me?

Seriously, can anti-depressants make you feel like this? I'm fighting with my own head here, I know that I have every reason to not want to get out of bed...but this is crazy.

This morning I woke up, got the kids ready for school, climbed back into bed. Slept until my 2 year old woke up, got her something to eat, stuck her in front of Elmo, and went back to sleep. Woke up intermittently to see what she was doing, change her tv show, but kept on climbing right back under my covers, feeling like the biggest loser and worst mother ever (thus increasing my desire to sleep). I can't describe how I feel other than being under my covers with my head on that soft pillow may be the closest thing to comfort that I can find right now (*ding ding ding*, tell her what she's won)

Once I'm up I'm walking in circles, forgetting what I'm doing. I have moments of clarity where I can manage to do the dishes, but the laundry is so daunting to me now that I can't even consider it.

I had a fun night out with the girls last night, laughed a lot, but then I walk in my door and it's just all over. No residual good feeling, just...nothing.

Tomorrow is my Dad's big day. He is having a test to determine whether he will be a candidate for gamma knife for his brain tumor. Maybe after I know something this fog will disappear.

I also have therapy tonight, I haven't been since finding out about my dad's tumor. Maybe a good cry is all I need.

And I'm gonna be a big whimp and just say it. I miss my husband. Damn it, I miss him, the good him. I SHOULDN'T. I miss his gentle voice and his quick wit and the way his arms feel around me when I need them. I know I am conveniently leaving out all the shit that brought us to this point of separation, the things that hurt enough that he can't live with me. But I miss him right now.

Slump.

OK, I'm definetly hitting a slump over here.

I really, really didn't want to admit it. I feel like I'm admitting defeat. I was feeling so good and hanging out with friends and doing yoga and losing weight and was finding POSITIVES about the separation.

And then the news about my Dad.

I don't know if it's like a computer that became so overwhelmed with information that it just crashes, because that's how I feel. I feel nothing, still numb.

I know that I don't want to get up in the morning, but I don't want to go to sleep at night. I don't want to shower or wear decent clothes. I don't care if I have on makeup or if my hair is clean.

I don't care that I haven't done the laundry or the dishes, or that 6 weeks worth of work is waiting for me. I don't care if the kids get their homework done. I don't know what it is that I want or need, I am just numb.

My closest friend today told me I seemed depressed, that she's never seen me this bad. But I have been at those depths of depression, where everything seems to be spiraling out of control and you can't shake the feeling of complete and utter doom...I was there just a month ago...but this is different. I just can't feel. At. all.

Maybe somewhere inside I am scared to feel based on what my brain is interpreting as my current circumstances. I am completely aware in my head that I should be scared, I should be angry, I should be upset and sad and lonely and all of those things. My Dad is in serious danger, my husband and I have split, and I am a single mom of 3 kids who hasn't worked in 6 weeks.

I can say that the one thing that brings up any kind of feeling for me is thinking about the fact that I am totally alone in this. Yes, I have my mom, my brother, my family, my amazing girlfriends, but I do not have my spouse. I don't have that safety haven where I can curl up in a ball and cry and be held without judgement or without worry of judgement. It's just not the same. That safety haven has been destroyed and is no longer safe. This is the one thing that can bring tears to my eyes.

Other than that, I look and feel like a walking zombie. I've lost myself again somewhere.

The Kids.

I'm still feeling pretty numb today, I slept way too long this morning and just don't feel productive at all...such a strange turn from how I was last week; I have to keep reminding myself though that I have been through a huge trauma ASIDE from the mess with my husband: my father's tumor. Maybe that is the source of the numbness. I just can't feel all of this all at once.

A couple of people have emailed me and asked about how the kids are doing through this. Dreading how my children would react was the reason I stayed with my husband as long as I did and put up with the crap I did. I could not imagine looking them in their sweet little eyes and saying something that would tear their world apart, regardless if it was my fault or not. I imagined them as grownups and starting the first sentence to their therapists as "Everything was fine until my parents broke up". I already guilt trip myself to death as a mother, but add this in and I didn't think I would make it through.

When my husband first left he was still coming over so much that the kids really didn't even notice he was gone. He would come straight from work and then leave after they went to bed. It does seem crazy now but it made the transition much easier for us all. Finally they noticed that he was leaving and we had to come up with an explanation.

I got very, very detailed advice on what to say to them from my therapist, specific to each child's age. I asked every question I thought they would ask and prepared myself for the worst. Her best advice to me: "They're going to be sad when you tell them. You can't avoid that. This is sad. But just reassure them that they will be ok and they are safe and that you both still love them, that is what they need to hear."

Our oldest, who was a few weeks short of ten, was the first we told. We took him out to eat then sat him down alone. I made my husband be the one to actually say it. He told him that Mommy and Daddy had been having some problems, and that we had actually separated. I'll never forget the look on my son's face. He looked shocked, then he turned to me with his big brown eyes and lunged for me, and cradled himself in my arms like a baby. He wailed and wailed while I held him and cried on his shoulder. I whispered in his ear all the things that my counselor had advised me to say. "It's ok to be sad. We just have grown up problems that we're trying to work on. We both still love you. You're not going to have to move or change schools. You're still going to see Daddy all the time and can call him anytime you miss him. " As advised, we did not place blame on either party, when he asked why, we just said that we had gotten married so young that we never had a chance to be grownups on our own. The more I told him, the less he cried. Finally he rolled over and asked a few questions "Is this why you go to counseling every week? Is this why you leave every night?" His mood changed...he had been reassured that he was going to be ok, and it was like he was RELIEVED. I think if I've learned anything from my own parent's divorce when I was 29 to my own separation, it's that kids want to know the TRUTH...even if it's ugly. They don't want some pretty fairy tale that doesn't feel real, because they are more sensitive than we are and can feel when something is off. And honestly, he has been doing better than ever since that night. He seems more open to sharing his feelings than before, and happier in general.

My middle child, who was five, did exactly what my therapist said. In one ear and out the other. We sat her down, explained it to her the same way we did my oldest, and she said, "Ummm, ok." I think she asked one question, and then she said "Can we go eat lunch now?" She's been fine ever since as well. One night she did start crying and wanting her Daddy, and I told her she could call him anytime she missed him...she did and then was fine.

To my surprise, the two year old was the one to take it the hardest. She noticed immediately something was off. She went from laying down happily in her crib every night and going to sleep by herself, to screaming her head off when I put her down and eventually climbing out of her crib if I wouldn't come and get her. This change occurred the week he left. It was amazing. She cried all the time, she stopped napping, she'd stay up until midnight screaming. My therapist's advice: she needs you right now, don't worry about breaking routines and creating bad sleep habits right now, just hold her when she wants to be held and reassure her that you are not leaving her. Some nights she would start screaming for Daddy and would wander the house looking for him. Those nights were the most heartbreaking of my life. She'd go in every dark room wailing "Daaaaady! Daaaaady!" for hours and just fall asleep in my arms, or sometimes she'd fall asleep leaning on a door. She would also wake up multiple times a night like a newborn again. This lasted for about a month before she finally started to improve, and just this last week she started going to sleep at her bedtime again...but only in my bed(I move her to her own after she falls asleep). It has been six months.

A couple of weeks ago, I was upset about something having to do with my husband and could not stop crying. My two older kids both walked in and saw me crying. I did not try and put on a happy face...again my therapist assured me that letting them see me sad about this every now and then would be a good example to them that they could allow themselves to be sad and cry if they felt bad about the situation. They asked me, "What's wrong, Mommy?" and I said "Mommy is just feeling sad about me and Daddy today." They both hugged me and I thought it was over. Then a few minutes later, my oldest said "I know a way to fix things, Mommy. I can make a plan to make you and Daddy get back together." I was alarmed, remembering how I had tried so hard to make my own parents get back together, even as an adult, and knew it was an unhealthy role my son was trying to take on. I immediately said "Oh honey, that is so sweet of you, but you DO NOT have to take care of Mommy. I can take care of myself. I'm just sad today, and it's ok to be sad sometimes. You don't ever have to worry about fixing things for me." Instant relief washed over his face, and he said "OK, I'm gonna go pogo".

I am starting my oldest in play therapy next week. I think he's doing really well, and I think that thanks to my own counselor's advice I'm saying and doing all the right things. But I just don't think you can be too safe in this situation (especially since I cannot control what my husband says and does to him). He'll only be going every other week to start. I want to do everything I can to make sure he is ok through this.

Despite my anger and resentment, and the awkwardness between my husband and I, we are making a point to put on a united front for the kids. Showing them that they can't use one of us against the other. Sitting together at soccer games. Being nice to each other. Spending holidays together so things don't have to change for the kids. I think obviously this has to be tailored to each individual's situation, but for us it seems to be working.

Numb.

I'm feeling really numb today, I guess that is to be expected after the week I have just been through. I'm forcing myself to write right now because I can't feel anything.

This happens to me pretty frequently. I think sometimes it is the only way I survived my marriage for all those years. It's a defense mechanism I learned before I was ever married, to survive extremely difficult pre-teen and teen years in my family. I call it survival mode.

When things get too hard, I numb out. I can only see what's in front of me, I don't feel a thing. I don't think, I don't try to think, I just...am. Sometimes I can even feel it happening. Once I was at a therapy session and my therapist took me down a very emotional path, and I could feel it coming. My mind started wandering to how I was going to get my child to soccer, what clothes I needed to wash, what the sun looked like hitting her chair, totally random and trivial things. I described it to her as it was happening. I tried incredibly hard to grasp onto the feelings that had started to come up before the numbing began. I couldn't do it. It's such a strong instinct at this point in my life that it is just automatic.

At least understanding why it happens and recognizing when it happens is somewhat empowering. I can forgive myself for it because I recognize that it got me through many tough times when I didn't know how to cope. It's my mind's way of protecting me when I didn't know any other way, and that is tough to unlearn.

Anger seems to bring the numbness out in me more than anything. Anger was not an acceptable emotion in our house growing up. Just this evening, my husband was over and "helping" me get the kids to bed. He was infuriating me over his parenting of my oldest, but what can I say...nothing I say changes anything he does, all I can do is ask him to leave (which I did). I was sitting on the couch just stewing listening to him say all the wrong things to our son, angry that I have worked so hard to learn how to say all the right things only for him to sweep right in and undo it all. Maybe that's when it started.

Sometimes it is just easier to feel nothing than to go through the pain. Which is how drug addiction, alcoholism, food and sex addiction begin. So while I recognize the reason for it, I also recognize the danger in it.

With that, my goals for this week:
-Try not to fixate on my husband and get back to fixating on my own recovery from this mess
-Take care of myself by eating right and getting plenty of exercise
-Get plenty of sleep
-Do at least one thing each day that brings me joy.

Another rough night.

I was fine until I came home to my empty house and started to let my mind wander over to what my husband is doing tonight...seeing "our" band, listening to "our" songs, reliving those days when we were happy and when I thought we'd be together forever.

I was at my Dad's, which is distraction enough I thought. Then I came home and the songs came flooding into my head, and then the memories of us singing those songs together, side by side at the top of our lungs together, either in the car listening to our cd or in a crowded, smoky concert. We even had his and hers t-shirts that we wore proudly. What happened to us? How did we get from there to here?

And why is he seemingly not bothered by it? I can't believe he would just be at that show with some random friend and not be the least bit affected. But, hey...isn't that why we were separated in the first place...I hold the marriage WAY up here and he held it signifigantly lower.

This morning at my daughter's soccer game, he was there and holding my youngest's hand. She almost fell and I yelled from instinct "HONEY!" to get his attention. Can you say, A-W-K-W-A-R-D??

This whole separation is like untying the biggest knot ever. The two of us have this life together of 12 years and history, and now we have to pull apart, but each little piece of it takes such effort and time and emotion. 12 years is a long time.

I wish I had planned tonight better so I wouldn't be here alone with my thoughts. I have been so distracted by my Dad's situation that these things are just slipping right past me. And with the distraction I guess I didn't think this would even come into my mind but yet here it is, sitting on me like a 2 ton weight.

I hope the band sucks tonight. There.

This Life thing is Hard.

Got some sleep last night and then more today, am starting to feel a bit "normalized" again, as much as I can I guess.

Isn't life crazy? It's amazing how fragile we all are as human beings, yet how strong we can be as spiritual beings. It boggles the mind.

This weekend, of all weekends, I had agreed to keep the kids all three days (we usually split the weekend). My husband has a friend in town and they are going to see a concert tomorrow evening.

Funny story, actually. The concert they are seeing together is the Farewell concert of the band that he and I used to follow together. It was the best point of our marriage, actually. For once we both loved the same music and would go to every show together. The band announced their breakup at about the same time we separated. And if that isn't fitting enough, he is attending the Farewell Concert without me.

He sent me an email today saying how he knew how hard this must be for me, to be going through all of this with my Dad in the midst of our separation. It was a glimpse of the "old" him, the one who cared enough to think about my feelings and my needs. It was hard to read. I think he may be one of the only people who understands how much I need him right now, the only person who truly knows how much I adore my Dad and how much this must hurt. I just want someone to hold me and to and tell me it's all going to be ok, and it can't be him, and it can't be anyone else.

Damn this is hard. It is taking everything in my power not to fall down into that deep well of depression, where life seems so overwhelming that you just don't think you can take it. I feel like I JUST got through scaling the depths of that well and was just starting to see the light, as you can probably see by my previous posts. I know I'll get through this too, I just don't understand why this all has to be so damned hard.