The Shakeup

I'm still here. I just haven't really known what to say.

Dad had his 3rd brain surgery last Friday to put a shunt in his head to permanently drain excess spinal fluid away from the brain. They can't explain why he has excess spinal fluid, it's rare...but he does seem a little better. He's sedated and acting a little strange so it's hard to say yet. And honestly, I've been staying away for a couple of days at a time. It's just gotten to a level of total and complete I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE and it's easier to pretend it's not happening. Not to mention, I HAVE to. I have three kids and a business who are suffering without me.

It's strange to have all these feelings of being completely overwhelmed with my life, all over again. I can think back to when my husband first got his own place, and see the patterns happening all over again. First, total immersion in the situation. Next, the sadness of being completely alone through my troubles. Then, the completely overwhelming feeling of I-can't-do-this-one-more-minute-and-just-want-to-sleep-my-life-away. That's pretty much where I am now, although the more I let myself stay away from the hospital, the better I am feeling. I started getting up with my kids in the mornings again, started picking up things a little more instead of letting everything pile to the ceiling. Just at that stage where it feels easier just to let it all go than to try and face any of it.

I'm bitter and bitchy a lot of the time, and feel socially awkward. Where I used to be the person who had no trouble making friends and conversation, I find myself fumbly and distant. I try to change it and it's just too strong. I don't know why this is really. I hope it doesn't last. It's like I've seen this ugly side of humanity that not everyone sees, and it's changed me. I know exactly who my real friends are (a little humbling and surprising), I don't trust doctors, hospitals, nurses anymore, I feel constantly paranoid, I get angry at bizarre things like seeing old men driving cars (why can HE drive and my 53 year old father can't?). All the aftermath of this huge shakeup, and it's hard to say which of it will heal and which will scar.

And when I say shakeup, I mean all of it. The death of my baby 11 years ago. The auto-immune disease. The divorce and swift re-marriages of my parents. The event that led to the demise of my marriage. Followed by the second chance followed by the second event that led to the demise of my marriage. Followed by the separation, the brain tumor announcement, the surgery, and all the complications following. I think I used to think that all of us had some sort of quota for traumatic events. Like, this HAS to be the worst of it. But it wasn't, and now that safety net is gone in my mind...could something now happen to my children? To me? To my brother or my mom? No one is immune.