Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dear Universe, Are you listening? It's Me.

So, what do you do when everything goes WRONG.

And is anything ever really WRONG, anyways? I mean, maybe I should start listening to the people who say this all happens for a reason.

I don't really buy that God has some plan and is making my father and my family suffer to show us how strong we are or anything like that.

But I do have to say that when EVERYTHING goes wrong around you, and then things just get worse, and worse...don't you have to stop and say, SOMETHING is wrong here.

Do I think I could have stopped this from happening to my father? Do I think he was supposed to suffer? Do I think I was supposed to suffer? HELL NO.

I'm not actually sure what I think. I'm more brainstorming here.

And maybe my controlling nature is flaring up right now because things feel so out of control.

But 5 years ago this month, everything was going wrong. Not big things like now. But in my younger and more immature perspective, everything was wrong. I fell twice in two months and broke two bones. We tried to buy a house and it fell through. My job was making me miserable. I could not seem to catch a break.

I decided to quit my job and pursue my passion as a career. I felt scared and out of control. My boss was begging me not to quit (although she was a major reason I wanted to leave). I said my goodbyes and was to face my first week as a self-employed person.

I woke up that Saturday morning, felt weakness: like I had worked out really, really hard (but I hadn't). I felt shaky trying to hold a pen. By the end of the day, I was walking like someone with muscular deterioration disease. Two days later, I fell while just standing still, my muscles collapsed. I could only crawl on my elbows to the phone to call 911. They broke my door down and took me to the hospital, where I was finally diagnosed with Guillaume Barre Syndrome. At the time, I had a 5 year old and a 1 year old. I did not have the strength to hold them, or even hug them. I couldn't hold my own toothbrush.

Within 10 days, I had decided that this was not acceptable. I went from having zero muscle control and having doctors and nurses standing around me waiting for my respiratory system to fail, to walking with the help of a walker. I was expected to be in the hospital for more than 6 months, breathing on a ventilator. Instead, I walked out on my own after less than 2 weeks.

I decided to stop being scared of my life. I decided just to live it. My career took off faster than I could have imagined. I bought a house I love in a great neighborhood. I have never worried for money, I have never had symptoms from my illness again.

It's like the universe, with all the missteps, was trying to tell me something.

So here I sit again. Career that I used to love, I resent. Marriage over and on the eve of divorce. Money running out quickly. I'm alone. I am experiencing near constant vertigo and wait for my own neurological workup and results from bloodwork. Father, the closest person to me in my life besides my kids, in the hospital fighting for his life and constantly suffering.

What is it?? UNIVERSE, CLUE ME THE HELL IN. Seriously. I BELIEVE IN YOU. Is that what I have to say???? Do I need to tap my heels together three times? I'm ready for the answer!!!


  1. You are going to have to work through this period of your life one moment,hour and one day at a time. You need to watch everything you are eating or not eating. Drink lots of water, try to get rest, walk or exercise. Know that your father is getting the care he needs. If not, go to the hospital administrator and demand they do a better job. Be strong for him, your kids and most importantly, yourself. Without you, nothing else is going to work in your life.

    Cathy R

  2. are amazing and inspirational -I know you don't feel it right now - but you are.....the universe will speak back and if you don't like the answer - yell louder- you're allowed. Life can be really crappy sometimes (mine's no fun) - but look at your reflection through your children's eyes - I promise you - that will be your refuge. Hugs