Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Ex Factor

Mr. Wonderful has been counting down the days until my divorce is final (as of today, 5!). I thought it was cute and when I've asked him about it, he has expressed his concern that the Ex would suddenly change his mind and come running back before everything was finalized. I scoffed at this idea, knowing the Ex, and knowing that in the past year since we separated, he has never expressed any interest in "winning me back" or whatnot. I expected the begging and pleading after I kicked him out or after I told him I was filing for divorce, and never heard it. So why now?

Wow was Mr. W dead on.

A few weeks ago the Ex was dropping my youngest off in the morning, and looked very disturbed. He told me he had a dream that morning that I was seeing someone, and that I was pregnant with the new man's baby. It had shaken him up so much that he had sat straight up in bed in a cold sweat and complete panic.

This past weekend out of the blue, the Ex called and asked if I had time to talk. He wanted to know if I was seeing anyone.

He took me by surprise. I told him that yes, I had met someone, and we had been dating just a couple of months. I didn't go into details at first, wanting to gauge his reaction. He seemed pretty devastated.

Then came the crazy psycho babble. "Are you sleeping with him??? Does he do for you what I never could??" He was OBSESSED with the sex subject. I let him know this subject was completely OFF LIMITS and if he continued to push it, the conversation would be over.

And then the apologizing and regret began. "I'm so sorry. Everything was my fault. You always tried with us and I don't know why I wouldn't try too. I regret everything. I will always love you."

I'll admit that during the phone call, I felt a little smug. It was nice to hear after three years of never hearing any apologies or regret, just blame (it took me almost that entire time to figure out that I was NOT the one to blame).

And then, after hanging up, he TOTALLY lost it. Text after text after text started coming in. "I cried today." "This is really hard to accept." "I wish I could take it all back." "Losing you is killing me." "I never stopped loving you." "I can't bear the thought of someone else losing you." "I didn't know how to fight for you." "You are so beautiful....tell me you feel nothing for me..." "I am feeling very inadequate, he is good looking" (at this point, he had managed to find Mr. Wonderful's facebook profile)

The next day, email after email. More truth comes out. He has just been dumped by someone.

I didn't respond to him except to say that his emotional diarrhea was inappropriate and that if we were going to continue to be civil, he needed to talk to someone else besides me. I've moved on, and even if I had never met anyone new nothing would change. The damage is done and I'm too happy and healthy to be dragged back into that black hole.

I'm glad that this happened when it did, because this time I feel strong enough to handle it, and I have the absolute knowledge that I can never be with him again. A year ago or even 6 months ago I might have convinced myself to take him back for the children's sakes. But now I have the perspective that our relationship is toxic, and I am not healthy when I'm with him and therefore the kids cannot be healthy if we're together.

Not to mention, I have ZERO feeling left for him, except that I feel sorry for him. I wish that he could get his shit together and become a whole person the way I have, for his sake and for the kids' sake. I don't see that happening. I look at him as a child who may never grow up.

When he saw that the begging and pleading and emotional threats weren't working (he made me feel like he might hurt himself, which I quickly turned over to his sister), he decided to go for the jugular...child support.

He is now saying he can't afford to pay me child support. He says he shouldn't have to anyways, because he has them about half the time (I have them 80% of the time, even though he does keep them an extra night from the norm). I won't back down here. Luckily he has already signed a waiver saying that he won't fight the terms of the divorce decree. Whatever I turn in is what he has to agree to.

Even though I've tried to keep my distance from the situation, being bombarded with texts and emails and phone calls has been truly emotionally exhausting. There is only so much ignoring I can do, because we have to stay civil for the kids. It has been draining. I find myself tired all the time.

I'm angry about this because I had an amazing weekend of celebrating all that I have accomplished over the last year. Leave it to him to find a way to taint it.

More on the celebrating later...that's a whole other post :)


  1. I really wish we could get together for dinner, coffee, a drink something. I've been down this road last year with Andrew. It might do us good to talk since we both knew each other pre-marriage, during our marriages and post-marriage.

  2. I've been down the same road. It was always ok for him to start dating someone new (and he would still flirt with me and all that crap even when in a relationship) but as soon as I was dating someone it's when he would start the beggign and pleading for me to come back...blah blah blah. Wish I could say I didn't fall for it but I did and not just many times to count. lol I finally 'got it' after about 3 or 4 years to not fall for his manipulation (because really that's all it was).

  3. don't let him rent space in your head!!! As for child support, if he is paying it and suddenly says he can't, let a judge decide.