Saturday, July 31, 2010
I know many people, including my close friends and my own mother, were anxiously awaiting my return home from Paris if only to learn whether or not my left ring finger was a bit heavier than when I left.
I will admit to having wondered the same thing.
It seemed too perfect. I didn't think anything of the trip until friends began raising an eyebrow at the perfection, the timing (our 1 year anniversary), and the state of our relationship at this point.
He told me he wasn't proposing. That he wasn't quite ready yet. He told my friends this. They told me. I thought I was going on this trip completely prepared with zero expectations.
Until there we were, the way I had always pictured it. Bottle of wine, standing alone in a park under the sparkling Eiffel Tower at dusk. Holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. God, I just *knew* this was the moment. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak.
I know he felt my anticipation, because then he held me close, told me that someday soon, he would be dropping to his knee and asking me to marry him. But that it was just not right yet. There is more work to be done with the kids, with us. I know this to be true in my head. I KNOW THIS. But I got caught up in the moment and let my fairytale emotions take over. I couldn't help it. I started to cry and couldn't stop. Talk about ruining the moment...
Me. The woman who swore to never marry ever again. Miss Independent Who Shall Never Rely On A Man.
He has made me understand the true meaning of what it is to be married. Of why anyone would want to. I want to call him my husband and for my children to have him as their role model. I want to be his wife. I don't need him, I could live the rest of my life alone and support myself and the kids and be just fine. But I want that life, with him. He changed that.
But the most important thing is that he is here in my life right now, and I need to get back to living in the present moment. Stop putting time lines on things and just enjoy what we have together, both as a couple and now as a family with the kids.
Paris was amazing. We spent seven days wandering around from museum to museum, restaurant to restaurant, garden to garden. We napped together in the garden outside the Louvre. We drank wine and people watched on the Champs Elysee. We picnicked at Versailles. We ate crepes at midnight strolling the streets of St. Michel. We kissed on the Metro. We snuggled under the Eiffel Tower as it sparkled in our eyes. We plotted ways to move the kids there and make Paris our home.
I'm very, very happy. And that's all that matters.