I was driving this evening towards the sunset, the light was hitting everything in that gorgeous golden way that it does in the summer evenings, and I took a deep sigh and felt it....peace.
It seems to be coming to me much more often these days.
But this was the first time I could really put a finger on it, really see exactly the source of my peace, as clear as the sun was setting in front of me.
Mr. Wonderful is still away on his trip, 10 days away from each other. He emails when he has access to wifi, but we've had pretty limited communication on his trip. The pictures I see from him are of him having a great time, taking in the view, eating melt-in-your-mouth food, bonding with his brother. And yes, missing me too. While I miss him as well, terribly, I am truly SO excited for him to have this experience.
While he has been gone, I dove into my work. I made a list of what had to be done, and while it's taken 45 hours of work in just 3 days, I'm getting there. And it feels really good.
Tonight, after 3 days of work and the kids and more crap from the ex, I decided I deserved some "me" time. I went to my favorite sushi restaurant, sat at the sushi bar, indulged in a martini and a spicy tuna roll. Read a book, texted friends, and just let my mind and my mouth just be quiet for awhile. Ahhhhh.
It was on the drive from sushi to the movie theater that I felt the overwhelming peace. And I realized that my life is now truly in balance. That I am me, I know how to take care of myself, who I am, what I like...AND I'm in love.
AND I HAVE LOVE.
There is something so powerful about knowing that you can take care of yourself, not only that but actually be happy alone with oneself. That no one else's love for you could ever compare to the love you can give yourself. And then to realize that you can have all this....and a partner to share it with...mindblowing.
Before this experience of "desperately seeking me", alone I was a mess, I felt incomplete, I felt anxious. Even if alone meant my husband going out without me. Now my lover can leave me for 10 days across the world and not only can I be ok, I have a full life of things that make me very happy.
It just so happens that the movie I was going to see was Eat, Pray, Love. (spoiler alert) I never read the book so I wasn't expecting much, just a typical chick flick. It was like watching myself on the screen, the scared, lost, jaded woman who emerges and finds herself and thinks that she is finished, that there couldn't possibly be more. And when love comes along, she feels she has to choose between this new version of herself or love, because they can't possibly coexist. The fear in her eyes when she comes to that crossroads is so completely recognizable that I began to cry and couldn't stop until everyone had emptied the theater and the lights came back on. Is it possible that I have figured out how to find me, AND find love?
I think it is. Mr. W is a piece of my life, a big one. He brings me happiness and joy and affection and support everyday of my life. As humans, this is something we naturally desire. We CAN have it all. It IS possible to live a full life and have complete balance, peace, and love.
Best quote from the movie-The key to balance is to never let anyone love you less than you love yourself.
Here is what I am taking from this. (maybe weird) You were at your lowest point in your life and what came from that is this peace with yourself and most everything in it. You would never be here if you didn't go through that. So everything does happen for a reason. But that is not what I am getting at. Any time we have a low, we need to think past it (if that is possible) and realize that there is going to be something healthier and better on the other side of it if we allow ourselves to feel, heal and learn. Maybe this thought can help with the pain while it is happening.
ReplyDeleteDoes that make sense?
That is definetly something that I have learned. I guess my main point is that I have learned how to be happy. I thought being in love would throw me back into dependence and reliance, and I was fearful to lose my way again. But I've realized that once you learn to love yourself and take care of yourself, it's always there waiting for you. You never have to worry about being alone again, because you have YOU.Which makes having someone who loves you all the better.
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