Tomorrow, Mr. Wonderful is scheduled to arrive home.
I can't believe this day is finally here. Even stranger is I can't believe how I am feeling.
I feel numb.
I don't know what that is about, I thought I would be jumping out of my skin. I do know myself very well and I know that numbness usually kicks in when I am totally overwhelmed with emotion.
Tomorrow marks a very, very new chapter of my life. I have been doing the single mom on my own thing for almost a year and a half now, and I am used to this life. I don't know what it's like to have a man around. As excited as I am because I love this man so much, I am nervous of the change. I can't put my finger on it exactly, except that I have read about this same emotion on other single mom blogs before. I think it's a fear of losing independence...something we fought SO HARD for. It's also a fear of the unknown. I don't know how this new life really works, and I sure don't want to screw it up. There is also a fear of the not so distant decisions about when to let the kids know about Mr. Wonderful. It took me two years to leave my husband because of my fear of screwing up my kids...so obviously the next step is going to weigh just as heavily on my mind.
What if I see him tomorrow and things are different from the way they were this summer, or even over long distance?
A big part of my divorce was adjusting to a new role, the role of single mom. I had related to other married women and wives for 12 years, and it took some time to see myself in a different light. I'm going through a little bit of that now. I'm sure I will love my new role, but it is different.
I believe strongly in my heart that once I see him, all my fears will just melt away and everything will click, just like they did in July and August and throughout our 4 month long-distance relationship. He is the best man I know next to my Dad, he loves me with all his heart, and he is everything I have ever wanted but didn't think existed. My fears are just that, fear....of the unknown.