Having a rough night. Not really sure I can sleep until I get my thoughts out of my head and explore them a bit.
I had a wonderful dinner with all of my friends this evening, wonderful in the sense that I am so lucky to have such amazing, honest, supportive friends. One of the girls tonight let us know that she is just about to go through what I have gone through over the past year and a half, filing for divorce this week. She is my age and also has young kids. I knew somewhat it was coming, but hearing it "officially" tonight brought back lots of old feelings and emotions that I didn't know were still there. I am proud to have come as far as I have come, and to see her starting out at the beginning of that journey knowing what lies ahead is really emotional and bittersweet. I am so proud of her, so so proud of her, and know that she is doing, as she has always done, what is best for herself and her family. I am glad she has us, too. I would never, ever have made it through the past year without my friends, all of them.
On the way home I was riding with another girlfriend and we were discussing where I've been and where I'm at now. We were talking about the past week with my boyfriend being home, and she said something that really jumped out at me that I don't think I wanted to hear, but knew was true...not only when she said it, but all along. "You know from your last relationship that you have a tendency towards co-dependence".
There it was, staring me in the face. It's totally happening again. I joked about it at dinner with my girls, how thank God Mr. Wonderful is healthy and has boundaries because I just want to eat him up and never let him go. I attributed my neediness all week to having him gone for so long and finally back, and yes maybe that is catalyzing it, but it's there. I'm totally falling down the co-dependent slope again. Goddammit!!
And then begins the self-hate talk....I'm such a fuck up....why did I jump into a relationship when I wasn't ready, obviously...I'm not healthy...I'm never going to be healthy....I'm never going to be happy.....the spiral of self-destruction begins.
But I decided to come here and be honest about my feelings instead. I really don't want to do this. I really want to close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and yell "lalalalalalala I'M NOT LISTENING!!"
Mr. Wonderful deserves better than that though. And *I* deserve better than this. I hate feeling this way, so needy and incomplete without him next to me. And how exactly did this happen so fast, and without me admitting it??? It's crazy what the mind tells itself.
It's not that it's out of control yet. I still worked out this week, but barely. I tried to follow my diet but gave up by the end of the week, because he's not following one yet. I threw little fits when he wouldn't spend the night on the nights I didn't have my kids (he, unlike me, finds value in saving some things for later....I want it ALL. RIGHT. NOW.)
This is a recipe for disaster. I know it is. I have to stop it right now, but I'm sort of clueless as to how. I am fine and then he comes around and all of my resolve just melts away, like he is a drug or something that I cannot resist. Maybe some might find that sweet, but I find it scary.
It took me a good 6 months to be ok with being alone at night in my bed. Not only ok, with it, but happier that way. No one snoring, no one stealing covers, no one disturbing my rest, no one but me and maybe one of my babies every now and then. And in one foul swoop, after having him here a week, I am suddenly straight up miserable without him here and pathetic. UGH that pisses me off.
Conclusion: I'm not ok. I wasn't ready for this. Does that mean I can't now make it work? I don't think so. I'm going to try...
So this week, back to my life, for real this time. Work, kids, family time, working out, cooking, eating right, friends, music, movies, all the things that make me happy and make me ME, including this blog. I need it more than ever if I'm going to make this relationship work and more importantly, get through it with my self in tact.
Once I get back on track it will be easier to figure out where my relationship fits in, rather than the other way around (I'm not going to fit my life around my relationship like I did last week).
At least I was able to be honest with myself tonight. That's a start.