Sunday, December 6, 2009

Down Tonight

Having a rough night. Not really sure I can sleep until I get my thoughts out of my head and explore them a bit.

I had a wonderful dinner with all of my friends this evening, wonderful in the sense that I am so lucky to have such amazing, honest, supportive friends. One of the girls tonight let us know that she is just about to go through what I have gone through over the past year and a half, filing for divorce this week. She is my age and also has young kids. I knew somewhat it was coming, but hearing it "officially" tonight brought back lots of old feelings and emotions that I didn't know were still there. I am proud to have come as far as I have come, and to see her starting out at the beginning of that journey knowing what lies ahead is really emotional and bittersweet. I am so proud of her, so so proud of her, and know that she is doing, as she has always done, what is best for herself and her family. I am glad she has us, too. I would never, ever have made it through the past year without my friends, all of them.

On the way home I was riding with another girlfriend and we were discussing where I've been and where I'm at now. We were talking about the past week with my boyfriend being home, and she said something that really jumped out at me that I don't think I wanted to hear, but knew was true...not only when she said it, but all along. "You know from your last relationship that you have a tendency towards co-dependence".

There it was, staring me in the face. It's totally happening again. I joked about it at dinner with my girls, how thank God Mr. Wonderful is healthy and has boundaries because I just want to eat him up and never let him go. I attributed my neediness all week to having him gone for so long and finally back, and yes maybe that is catalyzing it, but it's there. I'm totally falling down the co-dependent slope again. Goddammit!!

And then begins the self-hate talk....I'm such a fuck up....why did I jump into a relationship when I wasn't ready, obviously...I'm not healthy...I'm never going to be healthy....I'm never going to be happy.....the spiral of self-destruction begins.

But I decided to come here and be honest about my feelings instead. I really don't want to do this. I really want to close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and yell "lalalalalalala I'M NOT LISTENING!!"

Mr. Wonderful deserves better than that though. And *I* deserve better than this. I hate feeling this way, so needy and incomplete without him next to me. And how exactly did this happen so fast, and without me admitting it??? It's crazy what the mind tells itself.

It's not that it's out of control yet. I still worked out this week, but barely. I tried to follow my diet but gave up by the end of the week, because he's not following one yet. I threw little fits when he wouldn't spend the night on the nights I didn't have my kids (he, unlike me, finds value in saving some things for later....I want it ALL. RIGHT. NOW.)

This is a recipe for disaster. I know it is. I have to stop it right now, but I'm sort of clueless as to how. I am fine and then he comes around and all of my resolve just melts away, like he is a drug or something that I cannot resist. Maybe some might find that sweet, but I find it scary.

It took me a good 6 months to be ok with being alone at night in my bed. Not only ok, with it, but happier that way. No one snoring, no one stealing covers, no one disturbing my rest, no one but me and maybe one of my babies every now and then. And in one foul swoop, after having him here a week, I am suddenly straight up miserable without him here and pathetic. UGH that pisses me off.

Conclusion: I'm not ok. I wasn't ready for this. Does that mean I can't now make it work? I don't think so. I'm going to try...

So this week, back to my life, for real this time. Work, kids, family time, working out, cooking, eating right, friends, music, movies, all the things that make me happy and make me ME, including this blog. I need it more than ever if I'm going to make this relationship work and more importantly, get through it with my self in tact.

Once I get back on track it will be easier to figure out where my relationship fits in, rather than the other way around (I'm not going to fit my life around my relationship like I did last week).

At least I was able to be honest with myself tonight. That's a start.


  1. I sit here and read yours post cause i am going through it myself right now i move inot my apartment this weekend. How do you know when its time to move on?

  2. From your sis-in-law:
    I always feel nosey and intrusive when I give my two cents, but sometimes I just gotta...

    1. I think it is awesome that you are so self aware about your tendencies. Being aware of it and honest about it will make you careful.

    2. It DOES make sense that you want to eat him up after so long. It makes a lot of sense that your normal routine gets thrown off drastically for a bit.

    3. I think over the next few weeks, months, y'all will figure out a routine with a healthy dosage of both personal and together time. It is unreasonable to think that him coming in won't effect the single person life you've created for yourself. (And I know you know that.) It's all about compromise once you're in a relationship. Some things you can't bend on and other things you can. It will take time to figure all that out. You will see your friends a little less. We will get fewer tweets. (Ahem.) You may not work out AS much. God, I know I would be much thinner and much less of a beer drinker if I weren't married to your brother.

    I guess, as I read this blog I'm left feeling proud of you. You're looking out for your points of weakness, and I'm confident that you will do what you can to avoid them. I just hope you don't beat yourself up too much. I think you're right where you need to be.

  3. I've been following you for awhile, and when you mentioned you had a bf, I wanted to come online and tell you to not rush meeting anyone, just enjoy being your independent self and grow from it, blah blah blah. And now this post. I so so so know the feeling!

    But truth is, no one wants to be told. We seem to have to live it to know it, especially where it comes to matters of the heart.

    I'm now at about 4 years on my own with no dating. 4 years ago if you had told me that I'd be alone this long, I'd have yelled NO WAY! Don't even go there!

    But for me, the longer I'm in that zone of no need, the better and stronger I feel. When I dated, I felt just like you did. Panic driven and needing more more more.

    And I'm not even sure that would ever go away. But all I knew was, I detested the dive off the cliff feeling and knew I wasn't ready to deal with such turmoil emotions out of control. I too knew I had a problem and it needed to go away first before I was ready to dive in again.

    I hope you come to a place of resolve and ultimately decide what's best for you. If nothing else, now you know. And that in itself, is not wasted effort. If you learn something, you are indeed on the grow!

    Kudos for your honesty!


  4. Hello,

    I am a stranger. I'm not even sure how I found your blog (maybe from Minivan Mom who I have followed). Anyone I check in periodically because I grew up with a strong single mom and didn't get married myself until 36 (just last year). So I was drawn to your strength and wisdom.

    I don't have a lot of advice to offer you but I was compelled to write today to share a bit of advice my wise mother gave me many times. She taught me to love and cherish my personal space, my family and my friends. She told me that I could always love and marry my best friend, which I did, but that I was always first. Since I had a rocky childhood with divorce and an absentee father, I feel easily into co-dependent relationships. However, over time and, with support from my family and friends, I have learned to LOVE my alone time (and time with girlfriends).

    I started that journey by physically making a list of what I loved to alone rather than with someone. Mine includes going to Panera alone and reading a book, hiking on my own, watching sappy chick flicks, eating foods that I love, listening to cheesy music, etc. It was hard to adapt at first. But, I kept going back to that list and reminding myself that I needed alone time and thrived on it. Eventually that list became engrained. So engrained that I still look at my husband every few weeks and say -- "Um, when are you going out of town or out with the guys. I am ready for some ME time."

    Thus, my 2 cents is that you are definitely not alone. I think that most women are like you. However, you are different because you are realizing it and doing something about it. Good luck to you. I have faith that you will find the right balance for you and Mr Wonderful.

    Take care,

  5. I agree with your sis in law. I am incredibly proud of how self aware you are and how you are able to accept that you feel that way. Awareness is the first step to figuring it all out. You will find the delicate balance before you know it and you will be healthier for it. Love you so much!

  6. I too agree with your SIL. He has been gone for a LONG time. Re-read your post.
    I read it every day!

  7. Be patient with yourself. One year ago did you see yourself where you are now? I think not. In the grand scheme of everything you have overcome and the fantastic journey still awaiting you, this is a small hiccup. This too you will conquer; breathe and remember to be patient with yourself. :)


  8. I would agree that Mr. W return warrants a little wackiness and a little bit of a shake up in your routine. Take Mr.W. stance in that you have worked hard to get to this place and it is sweet and beautiful and will roll out just as it was meant to be.

    I understand wanting it all right now! But this is where at our age we have to see with grown up eyes and know and trust that "waiting" and "taking things slow" will produce the best results.

    you have faced and conquered your fears before and you will again, with the wisdom of the past and the heart for the future.

    Breathe and know that you are right where you are supposed to be. You're routine will return and you will build a new routine around Mr. W. presence and bringing him into your family.

    This is your time to shine! You are ready to handle all this, you will be great!

  9. I miss that giddiness you feel when you are still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Sadly, it usually fades.
    It's good you're being honest with yourself.
    Take care of yourself before anything.