Sooo much to write about, there is no way I can get through it all.
I haven't written because well, it's 2 weeks to Christmas, I'm a single mom who runs a business, and adjusting to life with a boyfriend who lives in the same city as me, not to mention the same COUNTRY, is kicking my ass.
First: Although I was a single mom during the holidays last year, the ex and I still had not worked out a custody arrangement and were still doing things together. We have annual traditions with the kids that I have carried over from when I was a child. Tree Day where we put up our decorations and tree and watch holiday movies, a day of ice skating around a giant Christmas tree at a mall nearby, a night of driving around town to see all the amazing Christmas lights, a trip to Holiday in the Park at our local Six Flags, and a trip to another mall to see what my kids think is The Real Santa. All of these things are usually spread out one per weekend in December, with the help of at least the ex, and usually one or both of my parents. This year, I have the kids ONE weekend in December before Christmas, and it was this weekend. So right after Thanksgiving we put up the tree, and this weekend fit EVERYTHING else in. Friday night amusement park, Saturday day ice skating, Saturday night Christmas lights. I. Am. EXHAUSTED. Luckily, I have my close group of friends to help me with many of these things, although the ice skating and lights I did completely alone. I think it's safe to say I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Ever taken a 3, 6, and 11 year old ice skating at a crowded mall on one of the biggest shopping days of the year??? Add in an 8am soccer game, a dead car battery, and a huge tantrum-laced argument with the pre-teen right beforehand and I was seriously in tears by the end of the day. But I made every attempt to focus on them and how much I love them and want to create these memories with them, because after all, they did not choose this life with a single mom. We did end up having a great weekend together, and we definetly needed it. I love those babies like no other and cherish every second I have with them, even if it is exhausting and challenging every second :)
Second: wow, what a transition it has been with Mr. Wonderful being home. I am happy to say that after this weekend, it finally feels like we are getting into our groove again. But there were some very slippery moments where we almost lost "us", mostly from sheer exhaustion and uncertainty. His first week at home happened to come at a time when a few things fell apart for me, AND at my most stressful time of the year for work and personal (see above). My back went out, and my father was put back on a ventilator, all the while Mr. W is trying to completely furnish an apartment starting with nothing and starting a whole new life here. Total and complete chaos. The "neediness" I wrote about in my last blog post dissipated when real life hit me again the next day. I had no trouble getting back to work and back to life, but getting he and I all back in sync has been a huuuuuge transition. I really thought we were done at one point, and couldn't sleep an entire night from the panic at the thought of losing him after finally establishing to myself that I don't necessarily NEED him (codependency) but absolutely WANT him (love). It took an entire solid day of communicating the way we learned when he was overseas, but we finally got it, and have been healing from that ever since. And like I said before, we are starting to feel like "us" again and it has been great. I did have the kids all weekend which left him the weekend free to catch up with his friends and family, and I think we both needed it. It was great to hear about him reconnecting with everyone, hearing about him happy makes me happy, and it was nice to hear that he missed me.
There will still be bumps and obstacles to come, we have so much more to face together; but we both promised each other this week that we would commit 100% to working through every issue until it was resolved, and committed also to staying together. This is the man I love and want to be with...the man who writes me love letters that melt me to the floor, who makes sure my ears aren't too cold when I forget a winter hat, who makes sure the first thing I see when I wake up is a good morning message from him, who is trying to get to know my overwhelmingly close-knit group of friends, opens my car doors and lets me pick the music, tells me I'm beautiful, and most importantly this week, rubbed my back and whispered into my ear how much he loved me while I sobbed over my father's broken body in ICU. I'm never letting this one get away.
I also need to say here, THANK YOU to all of the comments left on my last post. I love hearing from you guys and I soak up all of your words of wisdom and experience, from both my friends/family but also to those "strangers" out there. I am learning so much in this journey and I know that I learn just as much, if not more, from the valleys as I do the peaks. It also gives me so much joy to know that anything I've said here might help anyone else out there reading. That sounds so damn cliche, but it is SO true. This is a really, really hard life, not only going through a divorce but then figuring out how to be a single mom, then figuring out how to be a single DATING mom, and all that comes next. We all need all the help we can get :)