The Fear

My relationship is going really well. We've been together 8 months this week. We connect daily. We understand each other. We make healthy compromises and have healthy conversations. I feel happy every single day.

I have two very close friends going through very rough marital situations. One is divorcing and the other is experiencing major issues. I feel so much for both of them. So much that I have cried for each of them on more than one occasion. It wasn't that long ago that I was in both situations. It hurts so much to watch someone you love going through the pain and darkness that I went through and feel so helpless to stop it.

Feeling that pain all over again is really scary, seeing one friend unable to eat and function and not want to get out of bed and remembering all too well how it feels. And then the fear starts to creep in again.

Would I ever want to be back here? NEVER. That pain is so unimaginably difficult. I honestly wondered most days how I would make it through alive or at least sane. But am I risking being there again by being in a relationship? You'd better believe it.

When my daughter declares to me that she LOVES Mr. Wonderful, for a moment I feel warm and happy about it, then the next minute the same fear begins to creep in. The woman who was burned so badly still exists in my heart and mind somewhere, and she is yelling ABORT ABORT.

It's easier to fight off now. The moment Mr. Wonderful walks in my door, I forget it all and have full confidence that he is different and worth the risk.

I also can affirm to myself every day that in this relationship, I am a whole healthy individual who can take care of herself and has maintained my own individuality and sense of self. Something I could never say in my marriage.

But it's still there. I wonder if it will ever go away.