Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I've been coasting along, sidestepping my fears, pretending they don't exist, living in denial. Acknowledging them with eyes squinting, sort of seeing but then pretending not to.

And then we broke up.

No details to share, except that we both have our own separate issues that are great enough to cause us to not be able to work right now. Which is so INCREDIBLY frustrating. Because I'm not sure two people have ever loved each other as much as Mr. Wonderful and I do. We have something amazing. But our separate issues cause our relationship to spin out of control on a regular basis.

This breakup may be just as devastating to me as my divorce. Because here I was, so close to perfection, to my dreams coming true FINALLY. Redemption after so many years of heartache.

And the biggest question in my head right now is Why on earth can't two people who love each other as much as we do just make it work?? Why can't I love you and you love me just be enough?? Why does it all have to be so complicated??

But it is. The realization on my end is that I do not know how to be Miss Independent in a relationship. On my own? No problem. Being single I have down. I don't know how to not slip into co-dependency when I have someone. I'm doing all the things that make me happy. But I'm not depending on them for my happiness. I'm depending on him. On his touch, on his time, on his words. If you had any idea how hard it was for me to just type that. It makes me sick to admit it. I know better. I could write a book on fucking co-dependency, with all the therapy I've done and the books I've read. How did I end up here...AGAIN.

So for now, my job is to figure that out. I honestly don't know if I know how to do it. I wonder if I was born this way. If my own addiction is to being in love. Do I have to be alone forever to be "sober"?

We've decided for now that no contact is best while we each work on ourselves. And because we do love each other and neither of us want anyone else, we are going to try couples therapy and see what happens.

This is so hard, because I don't have an emotion to replace the love like I did with my ex husband. I turned my love to hate, because he wronged me, and wronged my family. Mr. Wonderful has been nothing but more wonderful. He loves me, and I know it.

I have to believe in us. That someday this will all just be a piece of the big picture, the one that made me stronger, that made us stronger.

Until then I'll be here, sorting through it all over again. Ain't life funny (or not).


  1. I am sooo sorry. I believe that you two will work this out someday!!

    I was just talking to another blogger about this yesterday. I am so good at being single and then the minute I get into a relationship, BAM. I change. I become co-dependent too. I need constant reassurance that I am not loosing him.
    I do it too, so I can't help you. Maybe we can figure this out together. I read and am working on this more than anything else and believe me, I am working on a lot!

  2. Oh my gosh, my heart hurts for you. Once again, been there. So been right where you are and it sucks.

    My husband and I were separated for almost 2 years and my co-dependency was one of the big issues (although not the only). He has his own issues (aka f*** ups). Thankfully, after both of us working on ourselves we found our way back to each other. It's been 2 years now and our marriage is stronger than ever! I can't say I'm "cured" because sometimes I catch myself falling into it again. It creeps up quick and there's literally a physical change in me (anxiety). I refuse, refuse, refuse to ever feel that way again and now I can snap myself out of it. It took a while for me to learn this. Don't laugh, but watching The Secret is where it started. It truly taught me a new way of looking at life and specifically my marriage. I watched the movie a few times and had the audiobook in my ipod. I would seriously start listening to it the minute I felt the anxiety start.

    I wish I had words of wisdom but I don't. Just know you're not alone and if you have the desire, you really can change it! It's obvious that you are much stronger than I am or ever was so I know without a doubt you can do this!!


  3. I'm so sorry. I found your blog through your friends and have been so happy for you as I watched you emerge from such a horrid time in your life.
    But I'm glad you're going to try couples therapy. Maybe I'm too much of a romantic, but I have to believe that with THAT MUCH love, it just has to work.

  4. My own codependency totally dictated that I wasn't ready for a new relationship. Don't fall over, but it's been nearly 5 years now that I haven't dated. I never thought I'd be able to do that!

    But today? I'm good. Lonely at times, sure, I'm human. But for the most part, life is great. Just my son and I. I have friends and family that keep life interesting.

    I've been reading your posts for awhile now and I've been wanting to shout out from the rooftops what I'm seeing because you're nailing nearly all the same issues I had.

    IMO? It's just not your time yet. But no one EVER wants to hear that. :(

    Let me put it this way. If you have to talk yourself into making a relationship work, it just shouldn't be that difficult. It may not be 'love'. It could be needing to BE loved. I was addicted to that part too.

    Aren't you glad dating was invented for a trial run on things? :)