I've been coasting along, sidestepping my fears, pretending they don't exist, living in denial. Acknowledging them with eyes squinting, sort of seeing but then pretending not to.
And then we broke up.
No details to share, except that we both have our own separate issues that are great enough to cause us to not be able to work right now. Which is so INCREDIBLY frustrating. Because I'm not sure two people have ever loved each other as much as Mr. Wonderful and I do. We have something amazing. But our separate issues cause our relationship to spin out of control on a regular basis.
This breakup may be just as devastating to me as my divorce. Because here I was, so close to perfection, to my dreams coming true FINALLY. Redemption after so many years of heartache.
And the biggest question in my head right now is Why on earth can't two people who love each other as much as we do just make it work?? Why can't I love you and you love me just be enough?? Why does it all have to be so complicated??
But it is. The realization on my end is that I do not know how to be Miss Independent in a relationship. On my own? No problem. Being single I have down. I don't know how to not slip into co-dependency when I have someone. I'm doing all the things that make me happy. But I'm not depending on them for my happiness. I'm depending on him. On his touch, on his time, on his words. If you had any idea how hard it was for me to just type that. It makes me sick to admit it. I know better. I could write a book on fucking co-dependency, with all the therapy I've done and the books I've read. How did I end up here...AGAIN.
So for now, my job is to figure that out. I honestly don't know if I know how to do it. I wonder if I was born this way. If my own addiction is to being in love. Do I have to be alone forever to be "sober"?
We've decided for now that no contact is best while we each work on ourselves. And because we do love each other and neither of us want anyone else, we are going to try couples therapy and see what happens.
This is so hard, because I don't have an emotion to replace the love like I did with my ex husband. I turned my love to hate, because he wronged me, and wronged my family. Mr. Wonderful has been nothing but more wonderful. He loves me, and I know it.
I have to believe in us. That someday this will all just be a piece of the big picture, the one that made me stronger, that made us stronger.
Until then I'll be here, sorting through it all over again. Ain't life funny (or not).